2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The appearance of a child in a family radically changes the way of life. We hear a lot about this, but we hardly realize the scale of the change until we ourselves face it.
Children are a very important moment in the life of every adult. This is a stage of great responsibility. The stage of profound changes, reassessment of life.
Very often our forgotten childhood grievances, fears, conflicts emerge. I absolutely do not want to repeat the mistakes of my parents. I want to be the best. And then the myth of ideal parents is born.
The modern information flow is full of the latest research, summaries of the rules of education and the principles of early development. They write a lot about what, what and how much a child needs. Young parents try their best: they read literature, go to courses, buy thematic magazines, master advanced early development techniques, learn English from the cradle. This is all great, if in moderation. After all, it is so easy to get lost in these labyrinths of recommendations, approaches, having lost contact with a real child … yours, unique, living here and now next to you.
We are trying so hard to become the best parents, to raise the smartest / most athletic / gifted (underline as appropriate) child, that we stop seeing what is happening to this very child in the present tense. How does a child live? What is he interested in? And what upsets him? Why is there a sudden hysteria in the store? Or is it suddenly so scary in the dark? And again he hits the children in the sandbox?
And here the favorite thoughts of mothers striving for ideality arise: "I am a bad mother", "I cannot cope", "Other children are calm, adequate, I am doing something wrong." Or "It's all their fault!" (kindergarten / school / friends in the yard / grandmothers). Or maybe all at once. The tension grows, there are more and more disturbing thoughts, the mother begins to break down more often, and the feeling of guilt presses more and more. We go into an intrapersonal conflict, the gap between the ideal image of “I am a mother” and the perceived current picture seems monstrous, unforgivable. And when we carry such a conflict in ourselves, we are far from harmony. More and more often we are screaming out of impotence. An emotional swing begins: now hysteria, then aggression, then depression. It is difficult for others to understand us. The child is gradually pushed out of the field of attention.
And what happens to the child at this moment? His difficulties, left without real support from important adults, are exacerbated by the influence of the mother's condition. Children often find it difficult to cope with their own emotions. And what can we say about the explosive mixture of adult experiences? Suddenly inadequate emotional reactions of the mother to what is happening (in terms of intensity and / or content) generate confusion and anxiety in the child. His sense of security is at stake. After all, parents represent for the baby the whole world, which suddenly ceases to function in the usual way. The foundations of ideas about the world are crumbling, giving rise to fears and feelings of guilt. Yes, children feel guilty. They feel that something is happening to their mother and tend to ascribe this responsibility to themselves.
Do not forget that in this system, often not only mother and child are present. For example, the father of a child who comes home from work does not understand what is happening with his wife. He sees only the consequences, feels the tension of the wife, her irritation. In this situation, his needs for home warmth, comfort and acceptance are not satisfied. "Quiet Haven", which he dreams of on the way home from work, turns into another source of tension, another test for male endurance. Whatever reinforced concrete nerves a man possesses, sooner or later they will not stand it. Because the psyche needs rest, and the husband needs his wife. Whether it will be Italian scandals, betrayal, unplanned delays at work or with friends - depends on the personality of the man, but the consequences will not be long in coming.
Just as a man, like a father, of course, worries about his parental role. Maybe not as openly as a woman, but he worries about the fate of his child. It is worth remembering this before accusing him of "little concern for the child" and "completely indifferent to problems in the family." Complaints will not help, they will only add tension, shaking the situation more and more.
And if the family has other children, grandmothers, grandfathers? Each of them has their own needs, emotions and views, their own life experience, based on which they evaluate what is happening. And each of them has their own ideas about the "ideal" upbringing, relationships, organization of life. The more participants in the family system, the more levels of interaction and the more possible tension.
And now we are already rushing between a child psychologist, fellow advisers, a lawyer and antidepressants. The picture is completely frightening, but it occurs quite often.
What to do?
- First of all, he will stop, take a deep breath and admit to himself sincerely: "The ideal mother is a myth" … It's hard to believe and even harder to accept. We believe in fairy tales from childhood, with all our hearts, and we absolutely do not want to meet with reality. But absolutely everyone makes mistakes. And none of the most advanced techniques will absolutely suit your child. And if one approach helped you find contact with the first child, then it does not necessarily work with the second. It's great if you are interested in modern approaches to pedagogy, but apply them based on the characteristics of your child.
- Your child Personality, unique as you are. It is not at all necessary that he will be interested in the same as you. Do not be sad if your child finds it difficult to learn letters or draws completely abstractly. Get to know your child, give him the opportunity to try different behaviors, different types of activities. Help him appropriate his own experience. Support where needed and give freedom when he can move on his own.
- Tell yourself "I am a good mother", it is better out loud, you can several times … Think about what you are giving your child. Feel the power of your love. Reinforce this statement with real-life imagery. Remember the most pleasant moments. Praise yourself for creative solutions and a well-organized day. Tune in to a positive wave. We often take successful motherhood experiences for granted, as part of the "ideal" picture. In this case, this experience is depreciated, and the focus of attention is shifted to errors.
- Give yourself at least 30-40 minutes daily … This is your personal time. Read, draw, meditate, do yoga, chat with friends, go shopping, get a massage, go for a walk alone, or just get some sleep. It is important to forget about everyday worries and enjoy the moment. This is a piece of the day that energizes, nourishes your inner resource and gives strength. Believe me, this is not a luxury, it is a necessity.
- Take time to communicate directly with your child. This point will surprise many. After all, we are at home with the child all the time, from morning to evening. But remember how it happens? Often we just do household chores, and the child is nearby and it seems to us that this is the time spent with the child. But at this moment your attention is distributed among several processes at the same time and full-fledged contact does not work. Try to systematically set aside 15-30 minutes a day to interact with your baby, fully focusing on playing or talking together. If there are several children in a family, it is very important to periodically pay attention to each child separately.
- Maintain a loving relationship. Go on dates with your husband more often, arrange romantic evenings. Love feeds a woman, strengthens the family, and a good relationship between parents is a solid foundation for the development of children. So let go of your guilt by leaving your child with a grandmother or nanny. After all, this is not your whim or selfishness - this is a contribution to the future of the family.
Even if everything will not work out right away, each step along this path will ease your inner tension. Relations with family and friends will gradually improve, and confidence and peace will settle in the soul. And most importantly, you will become the best imperfect mother for your imperfect baby.
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