2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The foundation of any relationship is trust. This is about the belief that the other person is open, honest, and benevolent to us. It makes it possible to feel free. Trusting, we know for sure: the other person will not do us anything bad.
Trust is, first of all, about safety. It gives a feeling of confidence and certainty, removes doubts and tension.
Basic trust in the world and in other people is known to be formed in early childhood. When, on the basis of our relationship with parents or those who replaced them, we make a decision: is it safe in this world or not.
The child is safe when he feels stability and consistency on the part of adults … When he understands the regularity of the reactions of people around. And he knows what to expect from others.
But, this is not always the case. And some people grow up in an atmosphere of chaos and unpredictability. When in some situations - close people in a great mood, surround with love and attention, give recognition. And in the other, they reject, criticize, devalue, humiliate.
And then it becomes necessary to be on the alert all the time, to control the situation around, to observe and analyze what is happening. The danger can happen at any time! And it's better to understand when it will happen! And protect yourself in time!
This is how a child thinks with his childish logic. But as we grow up, these beliefs and strategies remain with us. And trusting others is still difficult.
How is the inability to trust manifested in adulthood?
People who are difficult to trust will most often:
- criticize and attack to deal with any threat ("The best defense is this attack!");
- skeptically observant ("Well, well, let's see what comes of it!");
- are hasty in drawing conclusions about other people (“I don’t like him!”, “She is stupid!”);
- jealous and suspicious;
- wanting to control everything.
It is quite difficult for such people to relax and stop thinking and analyzing for a while. Especially when you are in a new environment or company. They will "wait for a catch", as they say in everyday life. Prefer predictability over playful spontaneous pleasures.
What are the consequences of not being able to trust? How does this affect a person's life?
First of all, such the person is in constant tension. His energy is spent on constant monitoring, observation and analysis. And, of course, he gets very tired of it.
From distrust, a person has relationship difficulties. He can choose either unreliable partners and close people who will "betray" him. Or he will generally avoid any close relationships, not open up to other people, be afraid to be vulnerable, to show his feelings.
He will also difficult with your feelings inside. Such a person is likely to think that showing feelings is about weakness. And it's better to keep them with you! From which, too, there can be a lot of difficulties.
Such a person may also have fantasies that someone wants to make him feel bad. As a rule, they are based on his fears and past experiences, and not on reality. This will manifest itself in suspicion, jealousy, a desire to double-check.
What can be done about this? What development tasks do these people face?
- To understand for themselves what security is for them, how they feel it and how they can provide it for themselves without a preliminary attack.
- Learn to understand your feelings and experiences and give yourself permission to express them.
- Learn to loosen up control so you can relax and have more joy.
- Learn to accept the world and the positive sides of people, not rush to conclusions and categorical conclusions.
- Free yourself from the fear of being rejected.
Of course, it will be possible to do something on your own. For example, learn to notice different sides of the world and other people, be prudent, but give yourself the opportunity to be spontaneous and enjoy more.
And something requires work with psychotherapists. For example, dealing with fear of rejection, increasing emotional literacy, and releasing limiting beliefs.
Anyway, every small step towards the ability to trust is a step into a new life, where there is a place of intimacy, joy and happy relationships with yourself and others!
I wish you to walk there confidently! Alone or with someone nearby.
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