2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Consultations and therapy with children always cause more thoughts and worries in me than with adult clients.
When parents seek advice for their children, they usually say: "My child has such and such problems, can I do something about it?" … here I always ask the inner question: "Does the child have?" these problems. Since, in my opinion, it is always easier to follow the short path, and if these are not some organic defeats, then it will be more effective to work with a significant adult than with the child himself. Yes, children have feelings and experiences, but they are directly related to the emotional sphere of their parents. And if the child does not feel comfortable and safe next to the parent, then here you can endlessly guide him to different psychologists, and the maximum that can be achieved is small changes for a short period of time.
Children, they are alive, they understand and feel everything, sometimes even more than the parents themselves. But while they, due to their age, are in a position “from below”, it is difficult for them to make a choice, take some responsibility, formulate thoughts. It is the task of an adult, by his own example, to show how best to do this. And when an adult in his family, as a child, did not master these skills? Here, it's time, together with the child, within the framework of personal or general therapy, to begin to develop everything that is not developed. But, instead of turning to a specialist himself, the parents take their children: “it’s something broken for him, not for me”. Yes, there are conscious parents who come to work together, but there are, and more often, cases of "super-busy adults" when they bring a child as a thing or a pet with the wording: "fix it, I'll pay." And such a child goes to different specialists and everything is useless, and when he grows up, he has a clear idea that money is more important than feelings. And most likely he will not come to the funeral of his parents, tk. on this day some kind of decisive deal will take place, to which he has been striving for many years. And how to explain to such parents that they themselves are the key to their peace and tranquility? How to make it clear that a child, while small, is oriented in space according to parental schemes? And if the child's behavior is "challenging", then it is his compensation for the lack of understanding, or support, or care, or tenderness, or affection, or love, or all together. I am trying to convey the message that it is important to learn to give. And when the need is satisfied, then there is no need to invent alternative ways to get it. The child will receive the realization of his needs in full and he will go to the next stage of development, without any problems.
It is always interesting to work with children. There is still no clear structure of personality and a heap of protective shells that adults grow over. Children are quicker to make contact and immediately move on to exciting issues. One girl (7 years old) once during a consultation asked me the question: "What is God?" It was somehow difficult for me to find my bearings right away. The girl is small, and the question is deep. I answered the first thing that came to my mind: "This is the energy that is everywhere and of which everything consists, well, like air, we do not see it, but it exists and is very important for our life." She said that she understood, and at the next meeting, when I asked to draw a source and describe my drawing, she drew multi-colored dots, spirals and said that it was God. Her mother walked for several days under the impression that her daughter was SO smart (she thought differently). How did she guess to draw SUCH a source? After this meeting, the parent began to take her daughter's worries more seriously, she began to scold and scold her less for trifles. But this is not an isolated case! When parents, due to their low self-esteem, see their children as "freaks", "stupid", "idiots", etc. But if an authoritative adult thinks so, he is probably right, the child thinks. And he either behaves accordingly, or escapes and then proves all his life that he is not a camel.
Everyone should be treated humanly, especially with children, for they are our future and what it will be - depends on us.
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