2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Expecting your third baby, planning your adult and their childhood life, you involuntarily think about the rules, about the criteria, about the results of this very adult-child's life. Still, we weren't taught a little something at school … So, for some reason, we did not have a subject about raising children, about the wisdom of parental life, either at school or at the institute (neither in the first, nor even in the second) …
We'll figure out!
1) "Am I doing everything right?" - an insidious question periodically creeps in.
And, indeed, a quiet voice inside from time to time really wants to know the answer to this question: "Is everything? Is it right? I am doing."
Here, as a psychologist, I can safely say:
Since you even think about this topic, you are definitely doing everything right. Just CORRECT IN NORMAL, IN MEASURE!
Each sane parent in each specific situation tries to his maximum, balancing all the elements of his life. Therefore, here it is worth breathing out, calming down (and it is simply not possible to calm down if you think that you are acting wrong! And a healthy parent, with a healthy nervous system, is a guarantee of the happiness of any child!), But, nevertheless, do not stop there.
Knowledge is endless and it opens up to meet those who are looking for it. Moreover, they are always revealed in many ways. I’m sure you’ve noticed how some thought that you’ve heard a hundred times, suddenly, unexpectedly, comes … and it feels completely different, opening like a rosebud.
You should always strive for knowledge, do not stop there!
And, as a mother, I will note that the general opinion: fever - give an antipyretic, cough - buy a cough syrup, get sick - give antibiotics, etc., it turns out, often has no connection with reality.
When a parent begins to educate himself in matters of medicine, for example, together with Dr. Komarovsky, he learns that the temperature is productive and before 39 degrees Celsius it often makes no sense to bring it down; that there is syrup for and for cough: syrup for coughing is a serious matter and is prescribed strictly by a doctor, and for coughing in most cases it does not make sense, and without a sufficient amount of drinking it can do harm; about antibiotics and their giving without a detailed blood test, even by a doctor, especially a doctor … generally a separate topic. In practice, 70% of cases are virus, and viruses are not treated with antibiotics. And, having passed a blood test on time, which a simple mother without medical registration, if desired, can easily disassemble, will save your budget and, most importantly, the health of the child, who does not need extra antibiotics at all.
Wonderful books, such as Gippenreiter, sensible psychological courses about parents and children, the site of Dr. Komarovsky, etc. are looking forward to you and are ready to support you in your quest to become better and more literate.
You are already doing everything right (in the norm and in moderation!). Your development, flexibility and sobriety of judgment, along with education, will greatly support you on the path to truth.
Parent - from the word "give birth", the main thing you have already done - gave life, and then our creativity and development!
2) "I do not have time to give the children much, what I would like / want … "- says almost everyone at the consultations.
Indeed, we live in a complex, rapidly changing, interesting world and it is not easy to combine work and children, and ourselves as a person, and our personal relationships.
Personally, a thought I once heard from my teacher helps me here:
That individuality that can only organize itself: is born as a single-celled organism;
The one that managed to come to an agreement with others of the same kind is born as a multicellular organism. And from her skill to find a common language with more and more individuals, attracting organs, systems, etc., and move towards one common goal, depends on how highly developed this organism is.
The same happens with people: those who have so far learned to get along only with themselves are unlikely to get married / get married and have kids;
Those who are ready to give and take care of another - I will be able to find a mate for myself, creating a beautiful union;
Those who are ready to give their love, time, strength, knowledge will attract children to themselves (and the more developed their giving position, the more children will be born in the family).
Those who are willing to go even further organize firms, creating jobs for others, communities, shelters, etc. etc.
It all depends on you, on your awareness, integrity, motivation, on what and for whom you live on our beautiful planet.
Before me there are so many wonderful examples among like-minded people, men and women, who managed to create beautiful families, and realize themselves as professionals, and give birth to 3 and 4 children, get a second or more degrees, write dissertations, be healthy, harmonious and smiling! And I personally know more than a dozen of them.
It's so great that you manage to find a certain amount of time for your children! It's great that you are generally a parent and boldly decided to become moms and dads! It's great that you work and support each other financially!
But, since this thought revolves in your head, then you, personally you can do even more … And all that remains is to be able to organize a little more for the sake of your self-satisfaction, for the wonderful eyes of your happy children (happy that mom or dad suddenly generated a little more time for a bedtime story, or for joint creativity or something incredibly pleasant) …
"How can we generate this time?" - a goal is born, and forces are born under it.
You may choose to get up early to get more time; yoga, regular jogging or remembering your favorite hobby (everyone knows that even the phone works - it needs to be charged! You are no exception: physical and emotional exercises are also absolutely necessary for you to have strength); or, if you are at home, a nap, which even V. Churchil recommended at one time:
"You have to sleep some time between lunch and dinner. Take off your clothes and go to bed. I do this every day. Don't think that you will do less in a day if you spend some time sleeping. This is a stupid remark that only those who have no imagination. You will do a lot more. You will have two whole working days in one day. If not two, then I guarantee you one and a half."
Maybe you, on reflection, will choose something else. But whatever you choose, if you are with your child for only 20 minutes a day, be completely in him, eye to eye and soul to soul, to see him (remember how in the movie "Avatar": I see you - I see you …), then, according to modern research, these 20 minutes a day will give birth to the psychological comfort of the child. And if you can do even more … - well, then you are practically a superman or superwoman!:)
I do everything, something by 20%, something by 90%, and I do everything in my power to become more and more organized!
3) "Am I a good mom? Am I a good dad? How will my children remember me?" - the third most frequent request in working with parents.
The main thing that is important to remember is that psychologists strictly forbid scolding themselves! Self-criticism has never led anyone to goodness, and wise people say that criticism is never constructive!
Therefore, we breathe in and out, and we realize this:
If the parent thinks that he is bad or not good enough that his children instantly read it … Instantly! And it becomes their reality: I have a bad mom / bad dad. Thought has no boundaries, you know, they say: "it is written on his forehead." And so it becomes "written on your forehead" that what you really think of yourself, even if you speak differently.
Children are the brightest creatures, their intuition cannot be deceived. And how do they then live with the thought form that I have a bad mother ?? You will not envy!
We are urgently rebuilding for the sake of our children and for ourselves!
The other extreme, the other side of the same coin - your attitude towards your own parents … If you do not think highly of your mums and dads (the same is true of thoughts about your ex / her spouse if you are divorced), then the child finds himself in a very ambiguous situation, which is fraught with distrust to illness.
It is difficult to talk about integrity and harmony in the family if mom or dad considers their parents greedy or ungrateful, unemotional or "backward", etc.
If you do not respect your parents, it will be difficult for your child to respect you;
if you are angry, offended or experiencing similar negative emotions - in a sense, you are digging a hole for yourself, into which you will one day fall;
if you have not discovered in yourself the love for those thanks to whom you were born - with a high probability over time, as in a mirror, you will notice a similar attitude towards yourself …
It is important here to take the wise position of conscious thanksgiving and forgiveness (if some resentment does not leave your heart in any way).
Everyone loves in their own way! As best he can
We are only outwardly all the same, but inside there is often a colossal difference. Someone is an excellent student in the ability to be caring and in communication, but a poor student in the ability to take care of financially; someone is exactly the opposite. We all have our own strengths and developing sides and we are attracted to each other, as teachers, to teach something, to show how to do and how not to, too.
We unconsciously chose such families for ourselves, in which we can realize something truly important for us and change.
Here I would like to focus on the immutable Law: LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE.
Do you want your kids to love you? Then we honestly look at ourselves: do I love my parents? Do I love my children?
Do you want your children to be brave, active, cheerful, etc.? - and you are like that ?? Are you personally like that? (If not yet, are you developing these qualities in yourself step by step?)
Do you dream for children to be healthy, harmonious, happy? - what are you doing for this? Do children see how you take the time to take care of your own health? Heard about your difficulties, ups and downs in this matter? Feel like you've learned to be happy …?
Sometimes words are not needed at all. We need you and your actions. We need your personal example, and that's it.
For this, we will decide once and for all that we are good parents.
Let's take an honest look at ourselves: we will evaluate everything that is beautiful in us and outline goals in those positions that are not yet sufficiently developed that we consider important.
Let's take a wise look at our family and friends and thank them for the experience.
Let's take a closer look at our children and see ourselves in them, see LIFE, see the future in them.
And we will love even more!
With Love, Irina Potemkina
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