Middle Age Crisis. Questions And Answers

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

1. What is a midlife crisis? Can it be called a kind of depression?

There are several inevitable crises in life. That is, periods when conditions have changed and require changes in the rules and ways of life. This is the essence of the crisis. A place to move to a new level. After a period of accumulation and growth, the time comes to revise the methods. And this can be called a crisis. This is not an event, but a process. However, the time-bound process is not dimensionless. This is the time during which we need to carry out reforms in our lives. As in the state. The lower classes cannot, the upper classes do not want to, and that means a revolution is coming. Reforms are needed to prevent it. The longer you delay, the more likely there will be a riot and revolution. And that means blood and sacrifices. And then, as expected, after the revolution, repression and depression.

2. Do you think a midlife crisis is an inevitable period for everyone, or is it a consequence of some mistakes made in the past, which implies the idea that this can be avoided if you "live right"?

If you "live right", then the crisis will pass imperceptibly. But since the word "crisis" most often has a negative connotation, we have this illusion. The illusion that if you do something right, you can avoid the consequences. Why an illusion? After all, the principle is essentially correct. But because it is the content of the word "correct" that is the stumbling block. This crisis has its own characteristics. For example, the fact that this is practically the last crisis, which means the last chance to carry out reforms. Imagine, we have only one chance to complete important processes, on which not 5, 10, but half of our life depends? Moreover, the first half consisted of many years of dependent childhood, which means that we have ahead of us not half, but most of the meaningful adult years of life. Considering that medicine and the world have helped a person extend life span and improve its quality, it all looks like a very significant piece of life.

Another feature of this crisis is that we have accumulated a lot. Our "bins are bursting" from this load. Obviously, quantity must turn into quality. Moreover, whether we like it or not, it will happen. By accumulated, I mean by no means only positive: experience, professionalism, relationships, material values. But also negative: accumulated unexpressed feelings, debts, fatigue, problems. We could put off all this for a long time without understanding. And here comes the point of no return. Our backpack is so full that there is no longer any strength to drag it further. It's time to rest and revise the content. Now imagine that there is more negative in it. Old grievances, trauma, reticence, uncried tears, and more. Would you like to open this backpack? Of course not! You will want to get rid of it and buy a new one. And many are making this desperate attempt to start a new life. In a new place, with a new partner, in a new job. The euphoria passes very quickly. Rapid change is rarely effective in the long term. After some time, the person discovers that now he is already dragging two backpacks. Bingo!

3. There is the most common sign of middle age in men, the so-called state of "gray hair in the beard, devil in the rib". And what other symptoms, external and internal, indicate a crisis in men and women?

I never tire of repeating that in the modern world it is more difficult for a man to survive emotionally than a woman. Life is more favorable to a woman. She gave her clear directions. We know when we change from a girl to a girl, when we become a woman, when we become a mother, when we move into adulthood. Our body clearly communicates this to us. Men do not have such a mechanism. They are very socialized and very dependent on society and society. From his demands, assessments. And these criteria change all the time. And we both gave birth and give birth. And having given birth, we calm down at a very deep level that we have fulfilled our minimum. Then we understand that our task is to raise a child. and by middle age we assume that further we are in demand as grandmothers to grandchildren and wives for their husbands. But it was not there. Modern children have now extended their youth. They are not going to start a family at 20-25 like their parents. They are looking for themselves and pleasure. Often still dependent on their parents. True, they prefer to depend comfortably: to do what you want, to receive financial support, but not to fulfill expectations. Do not stand on your own feet or separate.

And the "empty nest syndrome" in some causes familiar symptoms and a "new meeting" of spouses, which can surprise both very much. Others see the point in continuing to feed this huge chick that has grown, so long as the nest does not become empty. But everyone is faced with the need to revise their responsibilities. New goals are needed. But which ones? It is easier for a woman to decide on free time, especially for a woman who is lonely at this age, without a spouse. The world gave her a lot of options: you can go to study, sing, draw, crochet, etc. She will feed herself, and she will not leave her chick hungry. The easiest way to overcome this crisis is women who are in contact with their souls and understand that the time has come to deal with it. And there is time, it remains to organize the opportunities.

What about men? Working men will find that grown-up children are practically strangers with their values. And they are not going to continue their work or follow their advice. The wife, who for these years was more a mother of common children than a beloved woman, also became a stranger. And if problems at work were added to this (and no one canceled the world crisis), then a man is left alone with his problems. He's tired, disappointed, lost. Values began to crumble, but there was no support. And the world continues to demand to be strong and successful. It would seem that it should be easier for those who have achieved success in society and have a material safety cushion. But nothing of the kind. The needs of the soul are not satisfied with money.

The statistics are harsh: the number of suicides in men in their 40s has grown significantly over the past decades. Men are at a dead end: they feel bad, they do not really understand why, they cannot find a way out and cannot complain. I have been in the profession for 25 years and I can state that now there are more men seeking help, but not exponentially. Not even arithmetic. Seeking help means accepting pain, becoming weaker in your own eyes and the eyes of society. And even if a man overcomes this difficulty, he discovers that he will have to change a lot. And much that was traditionally considered masculine for granted. That is, to change as a man. The reaction of women follows immediately. They reject such a man, despite the fact that before they could even accuse him of not sharing his sorrows. And there are more than one such contradictions.

Maybe that's why we see the rapid changes described above in men more. Such desperate attempts to prolong their life without raking the accumulated ones because it is not clear how and how it will end.

I always tell my clients (and they are mostly middle-aged people in crisis, and half of them are men) that I do not know how our therapy will end. The difference is that these changes will be conscious, planned and controlled.

4. Who is the hardest to survive this crisis?

Childless women and ruined men. People who lived without hesitation, one day or blindly followed the rules. Those who have accumulated delayed health problems. For those who do not want to grow up. People without a profession. Work is a fickle thing, but your craft and profession are always with you. Those who are in strong emotional symbiosis with partners, with parents or children. Those who have faced a lot of losses, but did not mourn them.

5. So what is the main thing to understand about this crisis?

It is natural that the first half of our life we try to meet the expectations of our parents. Doing the opposite applies here. And there is nothing wrong with doing it. Expectations give us guidelines, goals. Until we are ready to put our own, we need it. We need parenting guidance. In principle, we can say that parents are needed for this. To orient us in this world and teach us useful, what is good and what is bad. Where it is dangerous, but it is possible, and where it should not. But this requires the presence of one condition - parents must be conscious. We don't need perfect parents. We need good enough. The condition, as you understand, is difficult to fulfill. Not everyone is lucky.

We will have to complete unfinished tasks so that our children can set tasks at an even higher level. Otherwise, life will stop.

As long as we meet expectations, we grow, gain experience and skills. If we are lucky with our parents, then their expectations will coincide with our desires and needs. But even if everything did not work out so well, the "how not to do" experience is also very valuable. In the second half of our lives, we must stop living up to expectations and live for someone or for someone else. Our time has come. And just do not confuse this with selfishness. Selfishness is just the desire to feed your ego (and a word from it), to feed it with pleasures, to amuse it. Moreover, in spite of the harm and others.

I'm talking about something completely different. That it is time for us to start living the life of our soul. Think about the soul. Because now death is closer. From the height of the mountain, on which we climbed the first half of our life, conquering the top, now we can see the descent and the end. This vision should sober us up. The idea that everything is ahead is abnormal for an adult. He must understand that death is ahead and he has time to face it with dignity. He has time (quite enough) to live his own life. It's time to know who you are, what are your tasks in this life, what is your personality. What was the design of the universe for you?

And here we go beyond the framework of psychology into the field of spiritual knowledge. It is not enough to "give up the ghost", it is necessary that he go to the higher strata, and not come back to correct mistakes. And we have a lot of spiritual work ahead of us. If we skipped the soulwork lessons, then we are under double pressure. We'll have to put things in order in the soul, and this is psychological work. The next stage is spiritual work.

I will not take bread from spiritual Teachers, especially since I have no right, so there will be no recommendations from me. Only a clear recognition of the fact that without spiritual work a person in this world cannot cope.

Psychology does not work with the concepts of "love" and "death". She can help build relationships, but she will not give an understanding of love. It can help you get through the stages of living the loss, but it won't give it a meaning that really comforts you. Namely, love and death will become the two main meanings of the second half of life. We will understand that life without love is meaningless, and the fear of death can kill before death itself. So how can one do without spiritual knowledge?

6. You said that this is a process. What stages does it mean?

It should be borne in mind that going through a crisis means going through certain stages. Which? Well, first of all, we must admit that life has come to its middle. It's not so easy. Most people prefer to deceive themselves and be complacent, saying "everything is ahead", "I am still young", "where to hurry" and so on. Turn around and you will see millions of young adults, frightened by a reality that is very difficult to hide. We carry our passport with us, and it reminds us of her. We admire 90-year-old grannies openly about their sex lives, 80-year-olds pumping their muscles. But tell me, how does this fit in with the notion of wisdom that we expect from our elders? So we stopped listening to old people. They have nothing to teach us. There are few old and wise ones, they turned into Teachers. But wouldn't it be more convenient to come with questions about how to understand yourself, to your grandmother or grandfather? And we have to look for a psychologist, a teacher. Conversely, grandparents go to their grandchildren to help them navigate their mobile phone or the Internet. If the first condition were met, then there would be nothing wrong with the second. Children are more technical. But not in life! And grandmothers and grandfathers have lost their authority if their life is not attractive to children and grandchildren, if their eyes are off, their body is destroyed by an inattentive attitude towards themselves, and their souls are full of resentment and bitterness. Why are they so senior? I want to run away from them. And we run. And on the way we fall into various traps that have been set for us. The biggest motto of the modern world is "Consume and shut up". The second part is silent, but it is understandable. Seekers are ridiculed and called insane. They start to become that way.

We have lost contact with God, with the highest meaning. Religions have done their job. And now we come up with millions of meanings so as not to somehow get depressed. It doesn't work out well. 90% of the population suffers from depression in one form or another. And it's not about money or a difficult childhood. As the little girl says to her dad in the advertisement: "You have to dream of high things." It is a pity that such valuable words are used in mayonnaise advertising. But this is a vivid example of the modern world. Everything that was previously sacred is discredited and destroyed, and the new god - success and prosperity - does not cope with the task.

This is impossible.

The next step is to revise what you came up with in the middle. What is time to leave and what to take with you. This is a challenging stage that will require courage and honesty. We might not like the contents of the backpack. We can be knocked off our feet by the smell of these supplies. It is important to hold out. Further, having separated what needs to be left in the past, it will be necessary to let it go, burn out, cry. It will take time and effort. But without this it is impossible to move on. My fellow psychologists can be very helpful in this, this is our area of work. And it is important not to strive to make this stage easy, to look for simple pleasant ways that they can offer you. It must be bitter and difficult.

After that, you can proceed to the most difficult stage. You need to define what you want, what is your goal. Many will have to face the fact that they must first answer the question, who am I? And then what I want. Psychologists will also help here.

Well, then it’s a matter of technology. We look for resources, organize opportunities, call for support and go. Slowly, with pleasure, looking around and admiring the views. This should be the descent from the mountain.

Otherwise, it will be a fall with bruises and fractures. Well, a quick death, like getting rid of the life from which you are tired and which you hate. Feel the difference, as they say.