2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
This post is for those and about those people who grew up in families and social environments in which the usual reaction in response to curiosity and asking questions was such reactions as irritation or other forms of aggression, shame, humiliation, ignorance.
The little man was either "gagged" or sent to look for answers on his own, when he was not yet able to cope with it himself, without help. And these reactions were "given out" to a person more than once, not once, but regularly and systematically.
Thus, a person has formed certain behavioral and emotional patterns, which now, in adulthood, interfere with building close, trusting, healthy relationships with other people and with oneself.
For many years my mother believed that I had an unpleasant habit of "digging" into her.
Questions.
Listening to her, I also thought so and was regularly ashamed of my "digging".
Until I realized that what my mom speaks so negatively about is simple persistence in getting an answer to her specific question.
To which my mother, for some of her inner conscious-unconscious reasons, avoided giving me a direct answer.
Very often people think that they are answering the question asked to them, but in reality - no
Instead of answering the question asked, people:
- answer the question that they heard in their head and interpreted in their own way.
- talk about their associations in relation to the question asked.
- remember stories related to other people that pop up in their minds based on this question.
-
do not answer the question at all, but talk about what is now in the field of their attention.
Etc.
The reasons for this phenomenon are different.
From unconsciously inherited family traditions to avoid talking on "dangerous" topics to simple carelessness.
In general, in our history, the persecution of particularly persistent questioners in times of war or repression is quite a natural thing. In a situation of real danger, this pattern of behavior is justified by the need to protect the integrity of, for example, the family, by hiding family secrets. And conveyed by an example, through unconscious attitudes, such behavior is often perceived by carriers as something natural and harmless.
Therefore, a person who is often toxic, drowning out the questioner, sincerely does not represent the degree of his toxicity and the damage caused when it comes to close interaction or upbringing of someone who depends on him or obeys him.
Of course, people who ask the question can also be toxic and violate the boundaries of the person to whom the question is asked. Bends are possible in both directions.
But in this article, in the cases described, I am not writing about them.
In the process of psychotherapy, remembering and realizing their experience, clients ask different questions:
- Can you be aware of your patterns?
- Determine if they are toxic to another person or not?
- Learn to notice your behavior and how others react to it?
- Understand who and what is "right" in a difficult situation?
And further:
-
What if you find yourself in a situation where they answer you some other question than you asked?
What happens to me at this moment? How does it feel? How to deal with these feelings?
And the main thing:
Is it possible to learn how to build communication in such a way as to still get an answer to the required question? And keep the relationship?
And I answer: you can.
Psychotherapy is designed to deal with these complexities
And do not be surprised, please, that this article contains more questions than answers.
That I do not give advice and recommendations on how to proceed here, but only give questions.
The path of each person is different, his own.
Remember how many useful tips you read and heard?
How many of them have you used?;)
It's all about what exactly yours personal history and your personal experience, being conscious and "processed", will give you your individual answers that will fit specifically for you in your unique life.
In personal therapy or consultation, I will be happy to help you restore or develop the skill of asking questions, listen to your questions and answer them, or together with you, carefully, with interest and curiosity, look for the answers that are right for you.
Maria Veresk, Online psychologist, gestalt therapist.
Recommended:
Middle Age Crisis. Questions And Answers
1. What is a midlife crisis? Can it be called a kind of depression? There are several inevitable crises in life. That is, periods when conditions have changed and require changes in the rules and ways of life. This is the essence of the crisis.
Something Like Psychotherapy: Frequently Asked Questions And Honest Answers
To the question: “What is psychotherapy and how does it work?” Each psychotherapist and psychologist will answer you differently. The idea to write this note was prompted by a client who asked a very important, in my opinion, question: what are we going to do here and how does psychotherapy take place?
Psychoanalysis - Questions And Answers
In this material, I have tried to very briefly formulate answers to frequently asked questions regarding various aspects of working in a psychoanalytic format. Content What psychoanalysis does What problems can be solved with a psychoanalyst Who can benefit from psychoanalysis Who DOES NOT need psychoanalysis How to choose a specialist What happens during the consultation Online psychoanalysis (distance therapy) Meeting frequency Duration of therapy R
Parenthood: 3 Questions And 3 Answers
Expecting your third baby, planning your adult and their childhood life, you involuntarily think about the rules, about the criteria, about the results of this very adult-child's life. Still, we weren't taught a little something at school … So, for some reason, we did not have a subject about raising children, about the wisdom of parental life, either at school or at the institute (neither in the first, nor even in the second) … We'll figure out
One Thing In Common That All Happy Couples Have In Common
We all strive to have a truly happy and full of harmony and love relationships. But in fact, there is one thing in common that unites all happy couples and this trait - sincere friendship between partners . Think for yourself. For example, what will you have left if you remove sex from your relationship?
