2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Sociophobia, fear of public speaking, anxiety during communication, or simply shyness are all names for approximately the same phenomenon, depending on the severity of the accompanying emotions or the degree of avoidance of certain situations.
And, in general, it does not matter where you got this problem, which limits you in life or makes you feel shame or anxiety in certain situations - from childhood from parents or loving grandmother, who never tired of repeating: "behave yourself", " what people will think of you”,“what kind of person are you”,“shame on you”or for another reason. The way out of the current situation in this case is not necessarily where the entrance is - it is in the present, and not in the past, in your actions now.
Here are some common “circles” that shy people can walk in. The circles are somewhat similar, sometimes their rings intersect, intertwine, creating a variety of patterns. In my opinion, the first three circles are the main ones and serve as the basis for the pattern.
First Circle: Avoidance
This is the basic circle of all fear-related problems. If your shyness has reached the stage where you begin to avoid some kind of situations: performing, meeting a girl / boyfriend, being in public places, then the only way to overcome your fear is to meet with him to make sure that nothing terrible will happen. On the contrary, fear avoidance reduces anxiety, and the person begins to use it more often, which eliminates the overestimation of the situation and does not solve the problem.
If you do not avoid anything, but you are not comfortable in any communication situations, then "meeting" with such situations will allow you to break other circles, which will be discussed below.
Ask yourself what scares you the most and causes you to avoid a situation. Perhaps you are intimidated by something indicated in the following circles, perhaps not. Then "enter" this situation and check your assumption. Did it come true or not? And even if it did come true, what is terrible for you?
Second circle: Focus on yourself
People, in fact, are mostly very self-centered people and their attention is often riveted exclusively to themselves. Unless you communicate with a psychologist (and even then within the framework of a consultation, because psychologists are just like ordinary people in life), then there is a high probability that the only being who is watching you now is yourself.
If you focus on yourself, you lose the opportunity to observe what is objectively happening around. Thus, you do not get objective signs that refute your assumptions, fears and your shyness is supported.
Switch your attention to those around you and notice that they, at best, think about their appearance, and often just chew on their plans for today. Start your observation from the subway car or minibus!
Third Circle: Mind Reading
Mind reading is a whole strategy of thinking and behavior, very common in relationships. As the name suggests, a person tries to guess or think out the thoughts of another. If a person is not confident in himself, of course, basically he will read the thoughts of another about that "I am somehow not like that", "something is wrong with me", "I said stupidity", "I do not like me" …
Mind-reading also leaves you ignorant of objective events that might disprove your fears. Although, even if someone thought of you that you are “somehow different”, what does it matter to you? Does that make you bad?
For example, the interlocutor said: “I need to go home,” a thought-out thought may sound like “he just doesn't like me”. Often, it is enough to ask directly. For example: "Why?" The only difficulty with this strategy is that it is never interrupted, for example, the answer: "I still have so much to do!"
Such clarifications should not be taken to extremes, because an insecure person with endless clarifications can bring the interlocutor to real irritation and feelings of anger. And thus in the eyes of the “reader” the original read thought “he just doesn’t like me” will be confirmed.
Therefore, the main thing is to realize that what you thought up for another is not necessarily reality.
Fourth Circle: Increased Symptoms
If you carefully observe yourself and worry about something, for example, “I might sweat, it will be noticed and it will be terrible,” then your body interprets this as a danger and naturally prepares you for a dangerous meeting with a saber-toothed tiger: our old organism is not Since then he has changed his habits a lot, he begins, for example, to speed up your heartbeat and breathing, you may think "oh, horror, they will notice this too" and start sweating even more, and everything will start spinning and everything will turn around.
Viktor Frankl proposed the method of "paradoxical intention" - if you want what you are afraid of, make a decision at the next meeting to sweat not for a liter, but for two !!!, no for three !!! If you want this, and are not afraid, then you are unlikely to succeed.
Again: what if someone notices that you are sweating? Or even think something.
Fifth Circle: Defensive Behavior
When someone is experiencing unpleasant feelings, it is absolutely natural to do something that will save you from danger. In the case of defensive behavior, these methods are not very suitable. For example, a shy person may hide his eyes so that no one sees his shyness, try to say only the right things, so that he is not considered somehow wrong, just in case, not speak sincerely.
Defensive behavior usually leads to the exact opposite result, for example, if the interlocutor avoids eye contact or tries not to "blurt out" something stupid, in the eyes of others it looks like insecurity.
Think about it, if you never speak sincerely and play a role all the time, can you build a relationship that you like and feel comfortable in?
Sixth Circle: Self-Confirming Beliefs
If in the depths of your shyness lies the conviction “I’m an uninteresting interlocutor” or “I don’t know how to tell jokes,” given to you in childhood by someone close to you, then telling an anecdote in the present, you can recall an episode from childhood and start to worry, which will cause you have a confused story or a stutter, and you end up telling a bad joke! But it didn’t happen because you’re a bad storyteller, but because you were worried.
Try to find your beliefs and test them for reality.
You can break each of these circles and get rid of shyness and unpleasant emotions.
In general, think about why you like everyone or seem confident?
Good luck!;)
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