2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
It's time to tell you my secret. I really want to be near you. I really want and I am very afraid
You know, the closer you get to me, the more I'm afraid of losing you.
I come up with different ways and tricks so that next to me with every step towards me, it becomes more unbearable.
I choose for love those who also run from intimacy. And I chase them tirelessly for years and lives. Every time, bumping into barbed wire, tearing everything to blood and severe pain. Thus, proving to yourself that you should not get close, there is still no chance of getting love. And to the one who looks at me aside and waits for my gaze, a smile, to the one with whom love could happen, I shout loudly: “Stay where you are! Don't come near! One more step and I will hurt you unbearably.
And why do you come, anyway the moment will come when you want to leave. And I will not survive this. And I want to meet someone who wants to stay, will give me confidence in the future. And cold winter dawns will warm my milk, iron my hair, closing my eyes from tenderness. But it will not be you, it will be someone, sometime, and most likely in my dreams. I do not want to meet you for one simple reason, I am afraid of losing you. And even in my delirium, I will wait for you at my porch, guarding him from everyone else. Waking up in a cold and sticky sweat, I will whisper your name and examine the sheet with a trembling hand, hoping to find sweet lips. I am ready to endure the most difficult torments and go through all the circles of hell in my thoughts, experiences and life. If only not to stop waiting for you, not to stop waiting, never having met you. And this is all because I am afraid of losing you at the moment when you will be closer to me than anyone else in the world.
To lose here is to die. Die instantly, without the right to life. Because, having lost the other, I will disappear too. If there is too painful loss in the experience that could not be experienced and discussed with another. From which strong feelings take your breath away. A loss that you want to make up in any way. Life turns into a pursuit of love and an escape from it. A series of novels about unrequited love turns into banal prose, and the number of “meetings that never happened” into the bitter aftertaste of wasted time.
In such a situation, when a significant other disappears, life really stops. More precisely, it goes into the mode of living in the past or waiting for the future. All thoughts, goals, actions are aimed at search, pursuit, flight and fantasy. Many senses are banned and sent to prison. They were convicted of organizing severe discomfort in the area of the heart, sentenced to life imprisonment. And only suffering from unhappy love reduces their feelings of guilt, allows them to take a breath of fresh air into their lungs. To release them means to meet them face to face. Understand their causes and acknowledge their existence. Since they are much more dangerous in prison than in freedom. Displaced into the unconscious, they control a person leaving no chance of choice.
You know, I somehow accidentally heard out of the corner of my ear: “You can love and you can lose. It will hurt you, but you will stay alive. And you can still love. Because when grass burns out in a field in autumn, it grows even juicier, stronger and greener in spring. The seed that is in the earth cannot be destroyed by fire. And if the time has come for the grass to dry up, then the fire only frees it from a heavy burden. Our feelings can incinerate the old and give life to the new. You should not be afraid of them, no matter how strong and “uncomfortable” they are. Do not be afraid of partings, because they are followed by new meetings.
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