Online Dating. Can You Find A Decent Man?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Is it possible to meet a normal man on dating sites and build a serious relationship?

I have always believed that this is possible. But my real experience has led me to complete disappointment. You can get to know each other, but I never got to a serious, long-term relationship.

For many years I lived in anticipation of the most important meeting with my man and that very love at first sight and forever. My female antennas were tuned to this wave all the time, and every time I met a new man, I mentally tried on my fantasies and expectations - maybe it is He?

But there was nothing inside, and such a long-awaited love at first sight, as my mother told me and as shown in the films, did not happen to me.

I absolutely did not understand where to look for a man, where to meet, where are these princes found? Those men who surrounded me in real life seemed completely inappropriate.

And then the Internet gradually began to enter our life. And I love new items, especially those related to information and communication. I was, you might say, a pioneer in the development of dating sites. And I registered on mamba and several other sites.

It seemed to me - here I will definitely find my man very soon, there are so many of them and everyone wants a relationship and everyone is free. And most importantly, what a large selection and geography of search! And in real life, even if I liked a man, I couldn't come up and say - I like you, let's be friends, meet. It was very scary to run into a refusal.

I got down to business optimistically, posted the best photos from the vacation and my best angles. I was so naive that I had no doubt that just a little time would pass and everything would happen. Moreover, I have already heard stories about happy acquaintances on the Internet. Others have succeeded, and I will succeed, I thought. Hurray, everything will happen soon and I will be happy.

Men, guys of different ages began to write to me. You can say I enjoyed a certain popularity. But it turned out that when it came to a possible real meeting, I started to get very nervous. It was much easier and safer to correspond and be at a distance. And often I just jumped off under some pretext, canceled the meeting.

I thought I’d meet the same guy and then I’ll go. I’ll understand everything at once. Friends laughed - how do you understand if you have never seen him in reality? It's so easy to go to a meeting and understand everything.

But it was not easy for me. However, soon, she gained strength and courage and still decided to go on a first date. I was worse nervous than before the exam. My knees were shaking, my palms were sweating, my tongue twisted and I was laughing nervously.

Frankly, I don't even remember who this first "lucky" was, but I remember one thing - I came with trembling legs, trembling in my heart, and at the very first minute I realized that it was not He, we had to blame.

It was very good when both of us immediately understood that we were not suitable for each other. It is more difficult when in the first minute I mentally crossed out the applicant, and he continued to write to me and look for meetings. I didn't know how to say directly that I didn't like you or didn't fit, so I just hid in English and what is called “dynamila”.

I thought that I would very quickly meet my love, but everything dragged on for many years. I was totally unlucky. I even began to think that something was wrong with me.

Who did I come across?

A very large category of guys, just looking for sex. These were not shy, they sent their own or other people's genitals, pumped up bodies in a personal. Offering sex for money or just for fun. They irritated me wildly, is it really not clear that this is not what I am looking for? I sent them or just ignored them and got very upset.

A large army of married men who were bored in marriage and considered themselves conditionally free. Everything is complicated with such people, they are philosophers, a sort of "waiting", what if I meet the girl of my dreams. Moreover, they may be 40 and 50 and 60, but they want a girl, not a woman to match themselves, but a girl. They are not going to get divorced, they do not plan to take decisive steps, but they receive their dose of hormones from communication, food for their fantasies, they hang in the illusion that they are still hoo and now they could, if not for the wife and children.

A special category of men at a distance, who are somewhere far away, as a rule, are foreigners and it was necessary to conduct long correspondence with them and it seems that their intentions are serious, but it was possible to meet soon.

I remember one American from New York, we corresponded with him for a year and he had serious intentions for his family and children. He wrote me long letters and it seems even for me personally, and not a mailing list for everyone. And that he made a wish for the new year - to meet with me. I liked him, he was interesting and looked quite successful. Indeed, the circumstances were such that a year later we met in Moscow.

I could not believe my eyes, when we met he turned out to be cute, but unexpectedly small in stature. I myself am a thumbnail in height, and he is a little taller than me. Despite this, we had a great conversation and said goodbye warmly. And he disappeared for a few days because he has a job.

One rainy autumn evening, around 12, I receive an SMS from him: "I really liked you, I think about you all the time, please take a taxi and come to me. I want to sit with you on the sofa, look at the fire and drink red wine."

Something I didn't like it at all, am I that call girl? I replied that there was no desire, I had to go to work in the morning. And that's all - the end of the novel. He did not write anymore and I did not understand at all what it was. Probably different mentality or we did not understand each other. But then I did not know how to clarify the relationship. This story has remained a mystery to me.

I also managed to run into a scammer who divorced me for money. It's good that not so much money turned out to be, but my soul was disgusting after that.

A handsome man, a sailor, wrote to me. Now, of course, it's funny to me. And he said that he had been looking for someone like me all his life, that I was his soul, love, and so on.

But there is an obstacle, he really wants to continue communicating with me, but right now he goes sailing on his ship. And he will look at the stars at night and remember my eyes. Oh my heart melted. I thought, probably, this is definitely He, the same one.

He wrote that we can communicate with him by text messages to a short number such and such. I hung up my ears, began to dream of romantic love with a long-distance sailor and answered him!

In this correspondence, I spent six thousand rubles on communication at the old exchange rate. And he bred me so beautifully, wrote every three hours and all the time asked something in SMS, so that I would answer him and the money would drip. If I didn't answer, he began to "worry" if something had happened to me.

I write that I have run out of money, I have to go put it on the card, and he turns on the fool - I'm worried, answer. Well, in general, over the weekend I spent all my last money on this SMS, and on Monday morning I came to work angry and decided to find out what kind of short number it was.

I just typed the painfully familiar four digits in a search engine - and then I saw the light! These are scammers from whom thousands of women have suffered! Some have been in such correspondence for years, waiting for their sailors. There were several cases when, after a few years, women found out that this was a divorce and they had a roof over them.

I was shocked and furious! How I got so divorced. How can you! I wrote a complaint about his page and … became even wiser, more experienced and more circumspect. It did not fit in my head how you can play on people's feelings like that. This story made an indelible impression on me.

But I was finished off by my last Internet relationship at a distance with a man who turned out to be married! He lived in another country. Then it seemed to me that this is the love of my life, my dear soul, no one understands me as he does. And if I am not with him, then that’s all - there will be no other such beautiful person in my life. This relationship turned my whole soul inside out, I suffered terribly from the desire to be with him and the impossibility of this.

As a result, after three years of soul-to-soul communication, he said that he thought for a long time and finally realized that nothing would work out for us. And we had nothing but correspondence, illusions and projections. It is easy to fall in love from a distance, but it has nothing to do with real life. Alas, then it didn't reach me that if a man wants to be with you, he will be whatever it costs him. Everything else is excuses and self-deception.

I was simply killed by this and decided that I had had enough. I am tired of this persistent pain and complete dependence on him. I decided to end this once and for all.

Relationships at a distance are, in general, a separate topic. You seem to be in a relationship, but in fact in illusions. You do not see a person as real, you communicate with him through your projection, endow him with your positive qualities, which have nothing to do with him. In essence, this is an escape from reality. And you're safe and free. This is directly the ideal relationship for people with traumatic past relationships.

Years of searching turned into a complete fiasco, disappointment, disheveled soul, and I lost all hope of meeting at least just a normal man.

What is it! How many free men are on the sites and there is no one who would suit me and who would really want a serious relationship?

I began to think if what many women say about men is really true? That they are all goats, there are no normal ones, they change everything, they are all assholes, they only need sex. I didn't want to believe it, but my experience on dating sites was more a confirmation of this.

I shared all my experiences with my close friend, she, like me, was in an endless search. We worked together and I began to watch her, how she chooses with whom to go on a date, how worried and worried, what excitement and inspiration she has. And after a date, she came to work in complete despair, in tears, because either she didn't like the guy, or stopped answering her, or just merged, but at the same time continued to sit on the dating site and look for a new girl.

At some point, I saw a pattern and myself, as if in a mirror from the side. It was the same recurring scenario. I realized that in fact, my friend and I just liked to be in search of non-stop. It's the same if you think about such a thrill, drive - to have a choice, to meet a new man, to receive your surge of hormones and emotions and then cry that nothing happened again! I was afraid of a serious relationship. And it was a certain cycle, a pattern that repeated itself endlessly.

Most of the men had a similar situation. They only thought they were looking for a serious relationship, but in reality, their true needs were completely different! And they completely satisfied them. People often deceive themselves and do not realize what they really want.

Thus, it turned out that my experience with men and their attitude towards me fully answered my unconscious request. I was afraid of a serious relationship and men did not need them either.

How do you rewrite your unconscious? After all, I have already done so many things - meditations, drawings, daydreaming, reading psychological articles, letters of forgiveness from my parents, and all early on I had a fear of relationships and, most importantly, there was a negative image of a man.

It was far from what I deliberately dreamed of.

I thought that I needed a psychologist who would not tell what to do at the level of actions, how to get to know each other correctly, how to communicate, but would show what is inside of me that is afraid of men, what does not allow me to create the relationships that I want.

He who seeks will find. And I found it.

I was asked questions that I had never asked myself, I found inside the psyche the beliefs of my mother, my environment, suggestions from my father, and my fear of repeating the same relationships that I saw in my parental family.

All this negative baggage, sitting in the subconscious, prevented me from believing in myself that I deserve to meet that very man and create other relationships with him that suit me, please and inspire me.

It was a certain way of knowing oneself, and transforming the negative in the subconscious.

My reactions have changed. And, along with this, my attitude towards men has changed.

After some time, I read one interesting VKontakte article and, succumbing to an inner impulse, wrote my sincere review under it. This review was seen by my future husband, went to my page and asked me something. This is how our story began.

I moved to another country, my life has changed a lot. And yes, we met on the Internet, but not on a dating site, and that was a completely different story. Life itself has connected us in some incredible way. Probably because I trusted in life, my relationship scenario, my inner state changed, and we were both ready to build a serious and long-term relationship.

This experience on dating sites, now I remember with warmth. He was not a waste of time. Yet it was an interesting adventure that, through communication with different men, led me to an understanding of myself, to psychology and to my new life.

Now it seems to me that dating sites are just a means, you can meet good men on them, or you can find various anxious perverts. Who is attracted to us, to a greater extent, depends on ourselves, on what we are tuned in. From what state we have, what we unconsciously want from a relationship, what we are afraid of, what scenario we are constantly playing - such men, attitudes towards us are attracted. And the good news is that you can change your scripts.

Psychologist Irina Stetsenko