Defrost Time

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Not so long ago, life provided me with a wonderful opportunity in my professional life to become better acquainted with the topic of incestuous trauma therapy. It turned out that this issue is covered with a thick veil of silence, and even experts in the field of mental health do their best to bypass it. There is a lot of discussion of statistics, horrifying facts for the public, but the question of direct assistance to children in trouble remains not only open, but rather out of sight behind the bright facade of universal indignation.

Indeed, the topic is not easy, and in order to be able to be at least a little in it without resistance and destruction, I propose to dream up. Outside the window, spring, all the plants zealously began to bloom, but after all, spring is also spring, no, no, and there will be frost at night or before dawn, which will cover the tender, slightly opening buds with frost, or even a crust of ice. I recently saw such a picture in my flower garden. A neighbor's girl, noticing my worries about this, suggested that I rather warm them up, perhaps even pour hot water over them. Of course, we adults know very well what happens if we try to do it. But the little girl did not know and asked the question that prompted the writing of this article: "Why is it harmful for them to seis?"

This frozen bud story reminded me of my clients with a history of incestuous trauma, and my personal experience in therapy. They appear on the doorstep of the office somewhat similar: cold and at the same time their sexuality is striking, prickly and vulnerable daffodils, an angel and a devil in one person, fire and ice. They reminded me of a delicate flower frozen into a block of ice before. Their appearance brings a chilling acuteness, anticipation, silence, I would say, a calm before the storm that is not expected soon, which will happen only if the relationship with a specialist becomes therapeutic.

Yes, boys and girls, men and women, actively violate boundaries, try to use the therapist, violently act out their trauma, remain silent, cause self-rage or pity. But this is only external, this is the period of building relationships, clarifying the framework, or the setting. And only after that the most interesting begins. They allow them to melt their ice. Oh, how many mistakes we therapists make at this moment. Probably the most difficult thing in our work with such clients is to be a good enough mother, not cold, strictly evaluating, but also not too hot for them, not obtrusively scalding, just to be near in the difficult process of gradual defrosting, which requires a colossal amount of incest survivors. amount of time. Likewise, if you pour hot water on an icy rose, we get a bare stem and pink gruel in the palm of our hand. But if you gradually increase the temperature, allow the beautiful flower to thaw at the speed with which it turns out to be natural for this particular flower and these natural conditions, after a few hours of protection from the scorching sun, after careful watering with cold water, our rose will begin to smell again, perhaps, even better than before.

What, after all, is the most important thing to eat in the process of thawing our customers? They themselves say that this is the time, the ability to change with their own speed. There is a lot of pain and hatred behind the fact that from the outside it looks like only a crust of transparent ice. There is a crippled soul, imagining itself dead to protect itself from excessive suffering, there is a fear of nothingness, betrayal and loneliness, and not everyone is able to face this all. so immediately, it is necessary to get used to these feelings, to sniff, perhaps, to your pain, to burn through the irrevocable loss of happiness. And all of them can do it, but only each with his own speed, and one can hardly expect that it will be high.