2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The dosage of love is one of the most common communication mechanisms between people on the planet. As soon as a loved one upsets us, our nerves are exposed, and we try to hide them as soon as possible. The ability to be in a state of vulnerability requires deliberate practice, therefore, in most cases, as soon as the blanket slips from the heart, we immediately pull it back
As soon as a person has emotionally exposed us, we take love away from him. We say to ourselves: "I don't really need you so much." "A woman with a cart is easier for a mare." "Everyone forges his own happiness."
Relationships collapse due to the fact that in an attempt to maintain invulnerability, we distribute love in doses. Everyone is familiar with a situation where we are waiting for an answer from a person who is important to us. When this person does not write for a long time, the wait becomes unbearable. It is especially easy here to take love away from a person. The logic is this: the less we love him, the easier we will endure his inattention. Love is understood here at the level of attachment: moving away from our counterpart, the power of attachment weakens, and it becomes easier to let go of the lack of proper attention to your person.
The above behavior arises from a fragile, immature understanding of what love is. There are many interpretations of love, and here is mine: love is the acceptance of another person as a part of oneself. With the achievement of psychological maturity, the boundaries of the personality begin to expand, and a person ceases to be identified exclusively with his body. The surrounding world with its multifaceted manifestations, other beings and, finally, the entire universe begin to enter the boundaries of the personality. Such a leap occurs when a person realizes that he is not a separate observer of the world external to himself, but a super-subject who generates all phenomena from himself and lives them in symbiosis with them.
Whether we realize it or not, the other person is always a part of us. Not in a sentimental or romantic sense - literally. At the superconscious level, the superperson sacrifices his pristine, pure and free nature in order to manifest as an observable. The ability to love at the human level is manifested in the ability of a person to maintain a conscious perception of another person as not-separate, and to continue to experience unity with him even in moments when our “small”, “earthly” personality is wounded.
When we feel that we want a specific action from another person, but he does not give it to us, and we take offense, letting him know about it, convincing ourselves that “there is not only one red cow in the world”, or defiantly ignore a person, such behavior indicates that we are uncomfortable with our vulnerability. We do not want to be injured, we strive to protect ourselves. We devalue the importance of the person who has dealt us a moral blow. We say that he is "underdeveloped", "stupid", "selfish"; we come up with a hundred reasons why he, such a careless one, hurt us. In other words, we are trying to take a controlling position, where it depends on us how much love or favor will be provided to the participants in the interaction.
If a relationship with a particular person is valuable to us, and we (to be honest) want to keep it in our life, we need to deal with two aspects:
- to open up opportunities that everyone is free to do as he chooses
and
- explore your vulnerability in a relationship with this person.
The study of vulnerability is carried out as follows:
First, you need to let it be. We are all vulnerable. Anyone is vulnerable. Fearing, worrying, worrying, defending yourself is part of human nature. All this is natural and normal. Don't expect Spartan fortitude from yourself. When we are hurt, we are hurt. And that's okay.
Secondly, you need to pay attention to how love is taken from a person whose actions (or lack thereof) upset you. Devaluation, exaltation, rationalization, suppression, blame, and often even positive thinking are all ways to distance yourself from the person who inflicted the wound.
And third, consider the possibility: How could you create an inner state where you show concern for this person and compassion for their feelings during conflict, and at the same time show concern for yourself and compassion for yourself?
It is worth noting that this method has nothing to do with self-deprecating attitudes: Love in spite of everything. Love will endure everything. It is not necessary and impossible to endure violence. Inside, we always know when a person really crosses the line, and when it is convenient for us to think so for the purpose of self-defense. If violence from loved ones is unbearable, and it is not possible to leave the vicious circle, it is a normal and natural step to seek help from a psychologist.
Recommended:
Self-sufficiency = Not Accepting Your Vulnerability
The article "Intimacy as Trauma" recently posted on this site raised my feelings about the concept of Self-Sufficiency in me. It is very consonant to me that the author refutes this very myth of Self-sufficiency, in which I also once lived and which I had previously strived for.
Withstand Vulnerability
This post is about the Sacrifice. It seems that being vulnerable and being a victim are the same thing; yet this is not at all the case. Vulnerability, imperfection is a property of human nature; We cannot always be on top, fully armed, We cannot know everything, be able to do everything, constantly be in shape, We cannot and should not.
Vulnerability And Responsibility Part 1 (Gender Inequality)
"The nobility of a person is measured by the risk that he takes, defending his own judgments - in other words, potential losses" N. Taleb With this quote, I will open a series of posts about what distinguishes a Child - Adult and an Adult - Adult.
Vulnerability And Responsibility Part 2 (connection Between Sacrifice, Dependence And Lack Of Responsibility)
In the previous part, we briefly looked at how lack of responsibility and decision-making skills are correlated with mental retardation. That women, due to social upbringing, have more problems with these skills than men. Therefore, therapy in men is more often faster and easier.
Vulnerability. Good Or Bad?
Psychologist, Clinical Psychologist CBT Chelyabinsk Vulnerability is the experience of feeling dependent and insecure. When do we start to feel our vulnerability? Why do others feel more vulnerable than others? Is it good or bad to be vulnerable?
