2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
This post is about the Sacrifice
It seems that being vulnerable and being a victim are the same thing; yet this is not at all the case.
Vulnerability, imperfection is a property of human nature;
We cannot always be on top, fully armed, We cannot know everything, be able to do everything, constantly be in shape, We cannot and should not.
To be a victim means to choose (even temporarily) dependence, inseparability, It means a mess of responsibility and boundaries
This is a refusal to fill your life with yourself, expecting that a significant loved one will do it.
Vulnerability is synonymous with weakness, insecurity and imperfection.
It is believed that being vulnerable means putting yourself in jeopardy, This means exposing your weak points for attacks, and this should not be allowed.
Many people spend tremendous efforts to create an image of perfection and invulnerability.
Just because they are not able to accept themselves as needy and dependent on the warmth, support and participation of other people,
Because they do not know how to accept themselves.
Vulnerability and acceptance create the necessary pairing;
the recognition of the right to imperfection occurs only through acceptance.
… A person learns the experience of acceptance (non-acceptance) in relations with his parents and the rest of the world, who made his impact by entering into a relationship with the vulnerability of the child.
… My clients tell a very similar story, Which differs in details and nuances, but the main plot is surprisingly similar.
They talk about how they learned early
what a salutary non-childishness in their adaptation was.
And how unnecessary and even dangerous naturalness was;
such a naturalness that prevented them from seeing them as adults, serious and responsible …
Some talked about how they protected one parent from another,
or how they reconciled them, Others recalled how the mother was exhausted by her motherhood, for which she did not have the strength, accusing your child of what she herself decided on;
Some talked about the imputed cares of younger brothers and sisters that were not age-old, They also talked about the need to maintain the image of educators in the eyes of other people …
All of these examples testify to the dependence of the educator, his well-being, his positive self-image
from the desired image of the child, And also about his intolerance, rejection of his child real, And about transferring responsibility to the child for his emotional state.
Intolerance is often associated with rejection of a simple fact.
that everything happens only on time, including growth and maturation …
rejection of the fact that a person can only cope with tasks of his own age;
… In this sense, the child is vulnerable, very vulnerable:
Any task "beyond his shoulder" puts him in a very difficult position, His addiction to an adult
the need to maintain his disposition makes him, On the one side, strain all your resources and capabilities in order to meet expectations;
On the other side, due to the fact that he is not able to give responsibility for the exorbitant expectations of himself to his caregivers, That is, precisely because of insufficient maturity
the child comes to the false conclusion that it is his vulnerability that is to blame.
Most often, irritation, rejection, followed by punishment and rejection cause
Childhood mistakes
Children's emotions (fears, sadness, affection, anger, stubbornness)
Children's spontaneity
Children's need for warmth, closeness,.
It is these natural human properties, being rejected by the closest people, afterwards
carefully hide, protect themselves from intrusions and encroachments.
The entrance to the space of vulnerability is guarded by fear and shame;
these are the feelings an adult experiences when someone approaches his vulnerability.
At the same time, that part of the personality begins to be exploited, which will never "substitute" -
this is the image of a strong person who copes with everything and everything, which seems to be protected, but desperately lacking … denied vulnerability.
………..
Accepting your vulnerability is accepting what you need
that you can be imperfect, you can be wrong.
It means agreeing to show "non-adult" qualities, regaining spontaneity, It means facing your feelings again and rehabilitating them.
Acceptance means the same
that at a given moment in time you can only be the way you came to him.
It is with that baggage, experience, knowledge …
And you can't be different in any way, even if you really, really want to.
…….
Such acceptance …
Doesn't require nudging, rushing, or adjusting to the desired pattern.
It does not require obsessive rescue.
Such acceptance …
He agrees to wait until you yourself approach the required milestone -
according to the age, for development, or when you fully experience an emotional state …
In most cases, we reject our own vulnerability.
We reject due to the difficult experience we have received, due to gender stereotypes, still blaming her for all the troubles.
… Acceptance of yourself as real is full support for yourself:
this is the kind of acceptance we needed to receive in due time …
For lack of such acceptance, Because we were repeating the old experience of expecting ourselves beyond what we can, we were missing out on growing up opportunities
for they were too busy remaking themselves.
When we say: "When will I stop depending?", "When will I stop reacting so emotionally?"
this is also a rejection, for it expresses the expectation that it is high time….
Acceptance would sound like: "Yes, I'm still afraid" … "I still get hurt" … "I'm still waiting"
What else can I be if all my experience is the experience of insufficient support?
Such acceptance will open the way for emotions: bitterness, sadness, anger.
It is the living of what was not lived in due time
advances us in our process, and not expectations of ourselves for what we are not ready for at the moment.
The gradual return of that very rejected childhood
self-acceptance, tolerance for your imperfection
will help you to take care of the vulnerability of your loved ones, Creating a truly warm, sincere relationship.
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