I Will Try

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Imagine a situation: a boy has done all his homework and comes up to his father to ask for a walk:

• Dad, I've done all my homework, can I go for a walk?
• Did you do it the day after tomorrow?
• Done.
• And on the after-day after tomorrow?
• Done.
• Then go ahead and read the tutorial.

Or another story: a girl helps her mother in cleaning the house, and now she runs up to her mother after completing the next task:

• Mom, I washed the dishes, can I rest and watch TV?
• You will have a rest in retirement! There's a srach in the house, but you see, she wants to rest! Go clean the floor in the hallway.

In the examples above, parents devalue their children's efforts and prevent them from receiving / feeling rewarded for successfully completing a task. And if this behavior of parents happens all the time, then the children understand that no matter how hard they try, they will not achieve what they really want: play, go for a walk, etc. - and then they understand that all efforts are useless! Then they choose a strategy to save their own resources: they "do" the task so that they are not scolded for doing nothing, while doing it as long as possible, since the task does not lead to a reward, but only to a new task.

In transactional analysis, such messages are called "drivers". And there are 5 drivers, one of which is "Try" - and is described above.

When these children grow up, they will continue to treat tasks in the same way: they will take on tasks, but either they will not complete them, or they will not praise themselves after the task is completed.

Here are some signs by which you can determine the "Try" driver in yourself or your friends:

• You crave praise, but if you are praised, then for "objective" reasons you do not accept it (devalue),
• Constantly dissatisfied with what has been done (perfectionism),
• Constantly use in speech "I will try", "I will try" and other similar phrases,
• You do a lot, try, but there is no real result,
• Take on many tasks at the same time, often on tight deadlines, so that upon completion of one of the tasks you say to yourself: "Uhhh, one less", instead of "What a great job I am!",
• Only illness can stop you from completing tasks (workaholism).

If you see the "Try" driver, how can you help yourself? Here are some directions for independent work:

• There is such a thing as "sufficient quality", which is "unfamiliar" to many perfectionists. Therefore, at the next iteration "to improve" ask yourself a question: maybe the quality that is now is enough?
• Start praising yourself for completed tasks: any, even if you are not happy with the quality (remember about "sufficient quality"),
• As soon as the next task is done - stop! Do not proceed with the next task, even if there are dozens or even hundreds of tasks waiting to be completed. The completed task is an excuse to make a stop and reward yourself! "What a fine fellow I am!"
• Begin to notice when you say "I will try" or "I will try" and replace it with something that has an ultimate goal, such as "I will do" or "I will do".
• Begin to distinguish between feasible and impossible tasks, and if the task is not feasible or in order to complete it you will have to work for wear and tear, and after completion - to get sick - then it is worth thinking: does this make sense, do you need this task at the cost of your health?
• Give up impossible tasks before you take on them, and even if you have already undertaken and you see that this task is impossible within these deadlines - refuse it or move the deadline or look for a way to help yourself, for example, delegate.