BOUNDARIES

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I give up. I could not get. I surrender with every fiber of my soul, I give up, lowering my hands and raising my head (or is it the other way around?), I surrender with a white flag and absolutely happy eyes. I was unable to record a video today.

And do you know what it was about? About borders. Not personal for once. About the boundaries that are outside and inside us.

You see, since childhood I have been striving to expand my own boundaries. Even in preschool age, these were departures as far as possible from home. Not vagrancy, no. The act of experiment and cognition. By all means, how far can I go?

And so, in elementary school, I compete with my second cousin in speed reading, writing and math, pushing the boundaries of myself in the way I was used to it from an earlier age. Intellectually.

At thirteen years old, I am not enough myself. I feel trapped within the confines of my body and mind, unable to see what lies beyond the horizon. As part of this conflict, I crash into my first psychology book at full speed. And I calm down right up to sixteen, imagine, years.

At sixteen, I feel a new acute crisis of self-restraint. Due to circumstances, it will drag on for another couple of years before I go headlong into a new round of psychology. And again, in invisible frames, invisible chains, I feel myself a prisoner of my own self-consciousness. Is this not a reason to go into psychology - professionally?

And so, one round after another, one after another. New unexplored fields, new countries, new cities, new people, new books. Not only myself, but also the world is not enough for me. The world seems to me that it is infinitely narrow, then it suddenly appears before me as a terrifying abyss of endless information space, which I - about horror - will never be able to assimilate. Do not have time.

I will not have time … The borders were not at all where I thought. The very idea of boundaries ultimately limited me to such an extent that it brought me here, today, to this point where I collapse exhaustedly in front of the camera screen, unable to overcome my own illusions, inventions about how it SHOULD BE. And it shouldn't be in any way. This is the greatest paradox of being. If there should be nothing, then how to imagine how it should be? Heh.

Thinking about a video about borders, I drew myself new ones. And what? They bound my head, heart, chest, hands, soul in a vice, and squeezed them to despair, because for the whole day I could not take a step to the side to free myself. I spent the whole day wondering HOW IT IS NECESSARY, not wanting to admit that I CAN. Fortunately, in the end I was able to admit to myself that I COULD give up, give up, and go into the sunset, not regretting that I did not shoot this video. I chose another option, which obediently loomed in front of my nose all day, but which I brushed aside in pride and stubbornness, wanting to continue my masochistic game.

Boundaries … what is limiting you right now? What would you like to give up, but cannot of the feelings that seem vital to you now? And finally: is it really worth it?