ABOUT PERSONALITY BOUNDARIES

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Much has been said about borders today. About the borders of states. About violation of borders, about preservation of borders.

What is a border anyway? What is it for?

Wikipedia gives this answer:

"Boundary is a real or imagined line or fence that defines the limits of any subject or object and separates this subject or object from others."

The boundary for separating yourself from others.

I won't talk about politics. And with physical boundaries it is more or less clear: the physical boundary runs along the edge of our body - this is the skin. The skin is limited to the territory of its own body.

The skin serves to separate our bones, tissues, blood from the outside world, to keep our internal organs in integrity and unity. The skin has holes and pores. Through the holes, something enters us, usually useful. Through other openings and pores, something comes out of our body, usually already useless. We learn from childhood that the skin is fenced in our own territory, where the owner is the one to whom the skin belongs. If a person was beaten in childhood, then he does not always have the feeling that the skin is the beginning of his property, that no one else can invade his sovereign territory. And it happens later, in adulthood, difficulties with boundaries, both physical and mental, may arise.

So, what are the mental boundaries of a personality? Where is the line that separates me from the other?

The answer could be like this: the mental boundary of the personality is understanding, the feeling of oneself as a separate person … In fact, this is how I understand - where is mine, and where is not mine.

Psychic boundaries protect my psychic property - my feelings, thoughts, intentions, desires, my style of behavior, my worldview, my choice, my attitudes and beliefs, my spiritual component.

What are these psychic boundaries made of?

To the greatest extent from the feeling of being a whole person with an understanding of what belongs to me and what belongs to others in the mental sphere. The bricks of mental boundaries can be words or wordless communication that accurately expresses our attitude to what is happening.

The most important word for building boundaries is no

If we make it clear with words or without words to someone that we will not tolerate such behavior or attitude towards ourselves, then we set boundaries.

Are you familiar with similar situations from life?

A friend calls and begins to talk about the hardships of her life. And so not once or twice. And at any time. And you are not always ready to listen to her, and sometimes you even feel angry with her for the fact that you are already fed up with all this - to be “free ears” or “free doctor”. And then you feel guilty about your anger.

A work colleague asks for help to complete his task. Because it is "sewn up", "will receive a hat," etc. Or the boss loads you with additional work. And the words at the same time sound: “You are reliable, faithful, and diligent. I can rely on you.”And you, once again, agree, although you feel as if you are being used.

You have planned to go to the cinema with your family in the evening, and unexpectedly your mother comes to you. And you cancel the event, because you have more than once heard from her approximately the following words: “I don’t want to interfere in the life of your family, I perfectly understand that you are not interested in spending time with me. I am just an elderly woman who has devoted her whole life to children. I don’t want to be an uninvited guest …”and so on. And you have the feeling that you were a hostage of circumstances.

There are actually many more options for possible situations. You can always remember some of your own.

When the boundaries are normal and healthy, then a person feels comfortable in the world. He easily communicates, enters into relationships, breaks them off, moves from place to place, finds a new job … and many other small comfortable actions in life. Healthy boundaries are flexible. A person easily determines the level at which it is convenient and pleasant for him to communicate and whether he wants this communication. He can get closer to you, and then move away if he feels that something is wrong in the relationship.

I like the phrase: "There are no good or bad people - there is an incorrectly chosen distance" … It is just about the boundaries.

Nina Brown identified several types of personal boundaries:

Soft - a person with soft boundaries is easily manipulated and merges with other people.

Elastic - a person with elastic boundaries combines rigidity and softness in different aspects, which allows him to become less emotionally infected with merging with those around him, but he is not sure about what to allow and what to refrain from. These are people who are insecure.

Rigid - the person is closed, fenced off, usually these are traces of the experienced violence. Violators receive a tough response. And this often brings problems to personal life.

Flexible - this is the ideal, if I may say so. They can change depending on the circumstances. A person with flexible boundaries has enough control, there is an internal decision regarding the rules, resistance to emotional contamination, manipulation, exploitation.

Boundaries define a person's personal identity. Opportunity and tool of interaction. The ability to select external influences. Limits of Personal Responsibility. This is the main function of psychological boundaries.

Who is responsible for establishing boundaries and keeping them in good order? The person himself who cares about preserving his mental property. We ourselves are responsible for our needs. That is, I myself work as a border guard J

Who is most likely to break boundaries? Someone who does not feel their own boundaries. A person who is aware of his own personality boundaries respects the boundaries of the personality of another. Conversely, the weaker a person's own boundaries, the more often they attack the boundaries of others.

Personality boundaries begin to form in early childhood. In infancy, the child does not feel himself separate from his mother, but gradually begins to realize himself as a separate being. Of course, the family in which the child grows up plays an important role in the formation of boundaries.

Are you familiar with these phrases from childhood:

- If you object to me, I …

- Do as I said, or …

- Don't argue with your mother.

- You need to change your attitude.

“You have no reason to be dissatisfied.

By punishing the child for growing independence, parents thereby teach him to withdraw into himself. Teaching children discipline is important, but discipline is the ability to self-control first and foremost.

Instead of a “do-as-I-say-or-you'll-regret” approach, it is more beneficial to use a “choose it yourself” approach. Instead of saying: “Make a bed, or you won't go out for a month,” it is better to say: “You have a choice: make your bed, and I will let you play on the computer; or you can leave it blank, but you won't be able to access your computer until the end of the day. The child is given the right to decide for himself how much he is willing to endure for the sake of being able to be naughty.

The parable "She thinks I'm real!"

The family came to the restaurant for lunch. The waitress took the adults' order and then turned to their seven-year-old son

- What will you order?

The boy looked timidly at the adults and said:

- I'd like a hot dog

Before the waitress had time to write down the order, the mother intervened:

- No hot dogs! Bring him a steak with mashed potatoes and carrots

The waitress ignored her words

- Will you be a hot dog with mustard or ketchup? she asked the boy

- With ketchup

- I'll be there in a minute, - said the waitress and went to the kitchen

There was a deafening silence at the table. Finally, the boy looked at those present and said:

- You know what? She thinks I'm real !

Here are some false motives that prevent us from setting boundaries (from the book "Barriers" by Henry Cloud, John Townsend)

1. Fear of losing love or being rejected. Under the influence of this fear, people say "yes" and then inwardly resent it. This is the predominant motive of the "martyrs". They give. to receive love in return, and if they do not receive it, they feel unhappy.

2. Fear of anger from others. Because of old wounds and misplaced barriers, some people cannot bear it when someone is angry with them.

3. Fear of loneliness. Some people are inferior to others. because it seems to them that in this way they will be able to "win" love and put an end to their loneliness.

4. Fear of violating the established concept of love. We are made for love. If we don't love, then we experience pain. Many people cannot say, “I love you. but I don’t want to do it”. Such a statement is meaningless to them. They believe that to love is always to say only "yes".

5. Wine. For many people, compliance and willingness to give is motivated by guilt. They try to do enough good deeds to get rid of their inner guilt and begin to respect themselves. Saying “no,” they treat themselves badly, so they continue their attempts to “earn a good attitude toward themselves, agreeing in everything with other people.

6. The desire to "repay the debt." Many people have received things in their lives for which the givers made them feel guilty. For example, parents told them something like: "I never had what you have," or: "Remember, you are receiving benefits you do not deserve." Such people feel obligated for everything they have been given.

7. Approval. Many, even as adults, feel like children seeking parental approval. Therefore, when someone around them wants something from them, they give in and thereby please this symbolic inner parent.

8. The assumption that in the event of their refusal, the other person may experience a sense of loss. It is often the case that people who have not properly dealt with their own losses and frustrations succumb because of excessive empathy. Every time they have to refuse another person, they feel his sadness, and moreover, they feel it to such an extent that that person never even dreamed of. They are afraid to hurt. therefore agree.

Are you familiar with situations from life when a person, after many years of compliance and passivity, suddenly explodes? In this case, the surrounding people can blame the psychotherapist whom he visits: “He taught you,” or simply the people with whom he communicates: “I just knew that this company would not lead to good” or even books / television, etc. …

In fact, this means that the same dam of anger has broken, which may have been contained for many years.

Joke

Grandfather and grandmother are sitting having dinner. Suddenly the grandfather would take his wooden spoon and crack the grandmother on the forehead

Grandma, rubbing her forehead: WHAT FOR ???

Grandfather: Yes, when I remember that it was not a girl I got….

This is a reactive phase in the formation of personal boundaries. Think of your teenage riots or similar behavior of your own children. The reactive phase is the stage that a person goes through during the growth period. It is important for the formation of a mature personality - overcoming the victim's powerlessness as a result of emotional abuse, blackmail or manipulation. It is important to recognize and respond to your feelings. This does not mean, of course, that you need to behave in accordance with your feelings. If you are so angry with a person that you are ready to "kill him" - it is not at all necessary to go and do it) Maturity just implies a choice of reaction. But, I repeat once again, it is important to realize and respond to your feelings. By choosing an environmentally friendly way to respond.

The reactive stage in the formation of boundaries is necessary, but not sufficient. You need to make your boundaries "visible" to others. Make it clear to those with whom you communicate that there is a line that cannot be crossed.

With different people we have a different "distance" in relationships. We let someone into our inner "house", with someone we can talk on his porch, and for someone the entrance even to the territory of the yard is closed. And that's okay. Borders are a tool of protection, first of all. By setting boundaries properly, you do not offend or attack anyone. Borders simply protect your "treasures" so that they are not touched at the wrong time. Saying no to adults in charge of their own needs may well be causing them some discomfort. Yes, they will have to look for another source. But such a search will not harm them.

Parable "Reason for Gratitude"

"I need money, can you borrow a hundred mists?" (banknote in Iran), one person asked his friend.

“I have money, but I won't give it to you. Be grateful to me for this!"

The man said with indignation: “The fact that you have money and you don’t want to give it to me, at worst I can still understand. But the fact that I should be grateful to you for this is not only incomprehensible, it's just arrogance."

“Dear friend, you asked me for money. I could say, "Come tomorrow." The next day I would say: "It's a pity, but today I still can't give them to you, come the day after tomorrow." If you came to me again, I would say: "Come at the end of the week." And so I would lead you by the nose until the end of the century, or at least until someone else gave you money. But you would not have found this, because if you would only do that you came to me and counted on my money. Instead of all this, I honestly tell you that I will not give money. Now you can try your luck somewhere else. So be grateful to me!"

One of the fundamental qualities that fosters intimacy between two people is the ability of each to take responsibility for their own feelings

Another useful function of being aware of your own boundaries is recognizing your own limitations. That is, over which I have no power. I cannot change another person. I cannot think for another. And, yes, I can’t take the disappointment for the other, which may entail the establishment of restrictions;-)

There are two prayers that I like. They tell me about the boundaries.

"Prayer for Peace of Mind"

Lord, give me peace of mind to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom not to confuse one with the other

And one more, secular, so to speak. German psychotherapist Frederick Perls, author and creator of Gestalt therapy, dubbed

"Prayer of a gestaltist"

I do my job, and you do your job

I do not live in this world to live up to your expectations

And you don't live in this world to live up to my expectations

You are you

And I am me

And if we happen to meet each other, that's great

If not, then nothing can be done

As a conclusion:

♦ To have the courage to be yourself, you need to be clear about the boundaries of your personality.

♦ These boundaries are changeable.

♦ Mental discomfort is a sign of border violation.

♦ Protecting and marking your own boundaries is a personal responsibility.