Goose Is Not A Pig's Comrade, Or Where Are The Orthodox "braces" Leading?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In advance, I would like to say that the purpose of the article is not to offend the feelings of believers, to discredit someone's or individual values, but the task is to study the contradictions in the approaches of modern practicing psychologists and individual representatives of the Russian Orthodox Church to understanding the existence of a modern personality in the conditions of actual modern life.

Any idea, philosophy, religion has a human face, and, through the prism of one's own convictions, distortions, personal understanding of the essence of things, is interpreted, explained, promoted and carried to the masses that can cause, in my psychological opinion, irreparable harm.

I accidentally came across an interview of one archpriest (I will provide a link) on the topic of traditional family values, and it horrified me!

21 century! Central to the picture of the world of healthy and adult people is individuality, autonomy, development, independence, self-worth, self-esteem, fulfillment, partnership, and maturity. Society must evolve and develop, and, the basic unit of a developed society is a mature, harmonious and self-sufficient person. This is what the secular education system calls for and prepares us for (well, as it can), the practice of modern psychological trends is aimed at solving these problems.

A few years ago, when the influence of the ROC and its interference in our secular life at all its levels (especially at the family level!) Was not so obvious, as it was not particularly visible contradictions in the approaches to understanding what is “formation comprehensively and harmoniously developed personality ". The personality develops primarily in the family, and the view of the supporters of the propaganda of "Orthodox traditions" on the family, family relations, communications and roles in the family, in MODERN CONDITIONS, is somewhat shocking to me. And angry.

And, this is not spiritual growth based on "traditional values"! This is a return to the Middle Ages - obscurity, ignorance, sexism, patriarchy. As a result of such "value orientations", they flourish in a thriving color - rigidity, infantilism, domestic violence, codependency.

Further, I will cite quotes from the above interview, and try to decipher these dogmatic attitudes in my psychological language, and also suggest what the imposition of such a vision of a person, her role and place in the system of family and social relations ultimately leads to.

So:

Question: “- What to do if the husband is cruel?

- In one of the Orthodox books I read a story that the husband often came home drunk and beat his wife. He beat, beat … And the wife resigned herself. He ended up beating her so badly that she died. And when they brought her to the cemetery, buried her in a grave, he, standing in front of the cross, realized what he had done. I cried and did not leave this grave for several years. Then he completely changed his life. It turns out that his wife saved him with her humility. With her humility, she took him out of the depths of sin and received the martyr's crown herself. This, of course, is a very lofty feat.

It must be understood that, nevertheless, the fire should be extinguished not with gasoline or kerosene. Don't be annoying. Otherwise, it turns out that the husband will flare up, and the wife adds even more fuel to the fire. You need to force yourself to endure, to accept, because evil has one feature: it requires nourishment. A person, when he is irritated, wants to irritate others, to infect others with his anger. If a bully hits a person, he waits for him to be hit back. And he starts to fight with good reason. If he said a swear word, he expects the same in response. And if he doesn't, he doesn't know what to do next. You need to learn how to extinguish this fire. And extinguishes humility, patience. Then, when everything calms down, you can say, but not in irritation. And pray for the softening of evil hearts before the "Seven-shot" icon of the Mother of God, the saints who are the patrons of family life; if the husband suffers from the vice of drunkenness - to the Martyr Boniface, the Mother of God in front of Her icon "The Inexhaustible Chalice."

And, of course, you need to be reasonable when you get married. A person for no reason does not become an alcoholic, does not become cruel. If you see such manifestations and still go down the aisle, you must understand what kind of cross you are taking upon yourself. And if you do take it, then bear it, bear it, humble yourself. You have made your choice.”!

Beliefs like these are a direct route to domestic violence!

(To be fair, I must say that not only men in the family use violence, but, based on the context of the article and the above interview, we are talking about women here)

Broadcast Installations: Humble yourself! Be patient! You MUST ENDURE! You are responsible for the non-proliferation of violence on earth, and humility will save all the suffering and your rapist! If you get hit, YOU DESERVED IT YOURSELF! It is YOUR fault that your husband is like that (alcoholic, tyrant, lazy, etc.) - YOU are responsible for what another adult should be like!

These theses refer us to the most common myths regarding domestic (and not only) violence:

1. The woman herself provokes the tyrant and the rapist to the implementation of the act of violence. If you do not get irritated and endure, do not provoke the rapist, then there will be peace and tranquility in the family.
2. A good wife cannot have a bad husband. If he is a rascal, there is something wrong with her.
3. A woman who is in domestic violence can (and should) change something in herself in order to influence her husband. Peace and harmony in the family, the attitude of the husband to the woman depend on her. She is able to change it, improve it.
4. If a woman does not leave, then everything suits her! Maybe I like it, maybe she's a masochist.

Psychological approach:

Abuse is the abuse of force by which the abuser gains control or advantage over the victim of the abuse, through the use and infliction of physical or psychological harm, or by instilling fear of this harm.

One of the main features of domestic violence is that it is a systematic repetitive act that distinguishes domestic violence from conflict or quarrel. Conflict is usually based on some specific problem that can be resolved. Domestic violence occurs with the aim of gaining full power and control over the victim. In other words, this is a domestic tyrant (in this context, the husband, the patriarch of the whole family) realizes and proves his status, his power by force, violent methods. It is HE who makes his inner decision to use violence, power and control, as opposed to other constructive ways of interaction. They are the ones he needs, this is HIS need. And his responsibility for such a choice of a way to live. And, the woman in this case is not responsible for his choices of ways to feel significant!

Another important feature of domestic violence is its cyclical nature. Relationships in a family where domestic violence takes place develop in a circle, repeating from time to time, going through the same stages. Over time, violence is repeated and committed more often. Violence becomes a predictable and repeatable pattern of behavior that is almost impossible to stop, in any case, the initiative to end the violence cannot come from the victim - she is not in control of the situation, although, in fairness, it should be said that it IS TRYING! To predict the behavior, feelings of the rapist, his mood, thereby "spread straws" and avoid an act of violence, but this is impossible! After all, violence is a cycle! And each stage of it will be "played" on time, regardless of the formal reason: if the wife used to get it for not heated enough soup, then the next one will get it for a very hot one! The bottom line is that a bat, insulted, or demonstratively ignored (there are also many types of violence), a woman will be ANYWHERE, in order to implement a violent scenario, and the offender himself chooses the moment of the violent action. And none of the victim's tactics can stop the violence.

Why don't they leave?

The fact that the victim of violence remains in a relationship, sometimes for years, enduring increasing cruelty and bullying, in our society is imputed to her.

In fact, there are many reasons. The first and main reason why a woman does not leave IMMEDIATELY is that, at the very beginning of a relationship, on a "honeymoon" with this man is very good. She chose him, she fell in love. He probably demonstrated his best qualities, and certainly did not report that in the future he intends to be jealous, control, beat and humiliate! We remember that violence is a cycle that occurs gradually and in stages, getting worse over time. When the time comes, and a woman begins to notice the first signs of a man's unacceptable behavior, at first they are usually denied and ignored. And then … then, there just comes a moment of "late". As a rule, a woman is already extremely dependent on her spouse - on his assessments, judgments, emotionally, financially, with low self-esteem, isolated from society and loved ones, permeated with fear and beliefs, like those interpreted by the cited archpriest. After all, the tyrant of the house for a very long time and systematically weaved his web. SHE CAN'T LEAVE!

Thus, the myths-stereotypes about domestic violence, defend the male aggressor and accuse the woman who has become the victim of domestic violence, explain and justify the existing order in the family by his patriarchy. Patriarchal, that is, one in which men are in a special, privileged position. It is about the correctness and godliness of such a social and family order that our archpriest speaks of, broadcasting "Orthodox values" to the world.

What is the result of the beliefs about the special, privileged position of men, so intensely broadcast by representatives of the ROC, as well as Vedic gurus using these ideas?

According to the available official data of the Ministry of Internal Affairs of Russia

violence in one form or another is observed in almost every fourth Russian family;

two thirds of premeditated murders are due to family and domestic motives;

up to 40% of all serious violent crimes are committed in families.

According to 2016 data, 1,060 people were deliberately killed as part of domestic violence, of which 756 were men, 304 were women and 36 were children. After the adoption of the well-known and sensational law on the decriminalization of beatings, statistics have changed significantly not for the better, according to experts who, in practice, are faced with the phenomenon of domestic violence, although official statistics on the deterioration of the situation are not presented, for obvious reasons.

Further:

Question: - In the Apostolic Epistle there is such a phrase: "Let marriage be honorable for all and the bed undefiled …" (Heb. 13: 4). But it’s about marriage, how can the bed be immaculate?

- It is not customary to talk about the intimate side of marriage, because the main thing in marriage is still spiritual unity. A married marriage preserves chastity without damaging the inner spiritual world of the spouses even after they enter into a marital relationship. In especially pious families, husband and wife shared a bed only in order to conceive a new life, for the birth of children. During the fast, children were never conceived. When the wife was pregnant, the husband did not touch her. And during feeding too. Voluptuousness, which is now developing and encouraged on the basis of an intimate married life, is a sinful state, because such a relationship between a man and a woman was established by God in order to multiply the human race through them, to give birth to children. In pious families, husband and wife lived like brother and sister, when they believed that the number of children was already sufficient, and in old age they took monasticism. They did not kindle passions and tried to humble themselves, as it is always necessary to live humbly.

Broadcast installations:

Sensuality, sexuality = lust = sin! Sex, pleasure is shameful, dirty. Your own sensuality needs to be pacified. Don't feel, don't desire, don't take pleasure. The bodily is opposed to the spiritual. Sexual desire is not chaste, but a woman who is sexy, desire is depraved. The most important thing in marriage is spiritual unity, and if you are not satisfied with your sex life, then it is not needed at all, but only for the birth of children.

Psychological approach:

Sex is part of a fulfilling existence. Refusal from it leads to mental disorders. Fulfillment of "conjugal duty" solely for the purpose of childbearing, and the rest - "from the evil one" is a direct path to neurosis (or even to a psychiatrist!). Yes, as a representative of the living world, libido is given to a woman for procreation. However, nature conceived for a person to reward sexual contacts in the form of pleasure during the act and orgasm, therefore, the lack of pleasure from sex or its rejection is beyond the norm.

What kind of full-fledged and harmonious existence of a personality can we talk about when we split off our own sensuality, emotionality, corporeality, the ability to receive joy, pleasure and pleasure without fear of punishment, guilt and shame? Sacrificing a part of yourself in order to save the image of yourself as good, worthy, not dirty is not about health! Lack of sexual desire and a specific voluptuous feeling (which the archpriest calls for) - speaking in professional language, it is called Frigidity.

Over the past decades, traditional views of a woman's sexuality have been completely refuted, and her sexual needs have been recognized as completely legitimate.

It's even scary to think about men - where does he sublimate his natural sexuality? Spiritual growth?

Sex is an important part of relationships, and is an important link in the chain of concepts of love, intimacy, affection. Harmony in the intimate sphere is one of the most important factors and criteria of marital relations.

Question: How does the Church feel about the fact that a single woman decided to give birth to a child and raise him herself?

- Fornication, it is fornication. Sin is sin. A person has come to terms with the fact that it is impossible to create a family; one must also accept that a child outside the family cannot be given birth. There are cases, of course, of temptations and falls. Then the birth of a child out of wedlock is a penitential situation. But if a person consciously goes to the birth of a child out of wedlock, you need to understand that he deliberately goes to sin.

Broadcast installations:

Having a child out of wedlock is shameful, punishable, condemned. A woman with a child and without a husband is second class, marriage. To procreate fatherlessness. At least for whom, but get married!

Psychological approach:

In a pre-capitalist society, even 100 years ago, yes, women were engaged in home and family, while men at that time worked outside the home. A woman could not be independent, she depended on the breadwinner of the family - a man, and her natural duty was internal and domestic affairs, including the birth and upbringing of children. The survival of the family depended on such a distribution of social, family roles, and nothing else was provided for by the country's economic and political structure itself. With the development of capitalist relations, the economic unit that ensures the survival of the clan is no longer the family, but an individual taken separately.

Each period of history is characterized by its own specificity in the distribution of behavioral roles and functions of men and women. And now - a woman CAN work, can NOT work, can give birth, can NOT give birth, can give birth in marriage, can give birth OUTSIDE of marriage. The economic structure of the modern world allows an individual to independently determine the vector of his own decisions, depending on individual needs. Just because there is such an opportunity in the modern world! Economic and social equality gives a woman the opportunity to independently choose a life scenario and have conditions for its implementation, so that society, at the same time,turning to traditional arguments and trying to cram them into the logic of Orthodox gender stereotypes, she did not dictate how she should or should not behave, give birth to her on her own or not give birth at all.

A few more pernicious Orthodox gender stereotypes from interviews:

- On which of the spouses is the upbringing of children to a greater extent?

- In the Orthodox tradition, a wife should still be a domestic person, bring up children. It is a great work - to run a house, a household, and a woman usually did nothing else. Due to poverty, when her husband was unable to support his family, his wife had to work. But even if the wife's salary is higher than that of her husband, she must forget it. Traditionally, the entire way of family life emphasized the authority of the husband, father. He sat in the main seat at the table and until he took a spoon, no one started dinner.

- But what if the woman still has to take on the responsibilities of the head?

- Do not take! It is a sin when a husband gives his wife power in the family, and it is exactly the same sin when she takes it. They give you, but don't take it: "No, dear, you are the head of the family." It is not necessary to say this, but in everyday life, with an attitude, emphasize the dominant role of a man.

- How not to take it? The family will be poor. Can it be so?

- Maybe. The trouble is that we are trying to live in comparison with others. And you have to be content with what you have. The wife feeds the family, but there is no need to take power. Her husband is unemployed, cannot earn money, but he should still be put in the first place, maintain a respectful attitude, and show that he is in charge of the family. Power is not in the one who brings more money, but in the hierarchy before God.

- Should I share family problems with anyone?

“- The Holy Fathers say that one should not tell a word about internal family problems. Not like making fun of each other, but you don't even need to share with anyone. If you reveal the secrets of family life to other people, you give power over your family life. In no case should you boast, or rejoice, or share your sorrows. This is an inner, very mysterious life, it must be protected. A person can show weakness in the family, but it was in the family that he showed it, he hoped that his relatives would understand him. He, perhaps, in a different situation would not have shown it, but here he could not restrain himself, showed his weakness, but not because he takes revenge on his loved ones, but because he believes them. In no case should you boast, or rejoice, or share your sorrows. This is an inner, very mysterious life, it must be protected. This speaks of the viciousness of the person who allows himself to do this, the lack of wisdom"

Installations:

You are nothing - the man is everything. God, master, master. Even if you work, take place socially - in a family, you still have no rights, a voice. You are a subordinate, powerless creature. You are responsible for everything that happens within the family, because the man is responsible for everything outside the family. Your place is in the kitchen. You are responsible for his outward success. Your life goals and priorities are determined by your gender.

"Do not wash dirty linen in public" - everything that happens in the family cannot be taken outside of it.

Psychological approach.

According to the modern systematic approach, the family performs its functions due to the presence of subsystems in it, in which the marital subsystem. is the core of the family, determining its functioning. And the interaction of spouses is aimed at maintaining the main task of this subsystem - meeting the personal needs of the marriage partners (for love, intimacy, support, care, attention, as well as material and sexual needs). Consequently, the interaction of spouses within the framework of this subsystem should be built according to the "adult - adult" type. And this, in turn, implies peer-to-peer! With a rigid distribution of roles by gender, when all power is given to one family member, and the partner is dependent and powerless in making important family decisions, it is difficult to maintain the position of equal adults. Often, a woman becomes learned helpless, infantile, dependent.

The patriarchal order represents the power of a man over a woman, where a woman is assigned a secondary role, in accordance with her "traditional" functions: reproduction of offspring, caring for him, maintaining peace and order in the family. In patriarchy, a woman is literally deprived of all opportunities. Her interests are determined by the man, the head of the family, and these interests often represent children and family. A woman is deprived of the opportunity for social realization, to show her abilities, personal and professional qualities. A woman is deprived of the right to become a full-fledged member of the society in which she lives, to feel her own significance and value. It is not necessary to say that children raised by a dependent and unrealized mother are deprived of many personal and social resources.

In the absence of a woman's ability to support herself financially, she is economically and emotionally dependent on a man. And this, as described above, creates a very good ground for domestic violence. At the same time - the following directive "do not wash dirty linen in public" - perfectly consolidates the position of the offender in this closed family system, where they teach not to speak, not to feel and trust anyone, leaving the victim to endure and not complain.

Since for an adult this is a difficult experience - to depend on another and not control the satisfaction of his needs and life himself, then a person will look for a way in which he will somehow be able to control at least something in his life, look for ways influence. And since the strict distribution of roles in the family by gender does not imply direct influence and control, indirect methods are chosen - in other words, manipulations, since there are simply no other levers of influence. And, the woman is forced to resort to manipulation, gradually, secretly trying to influence the “patriarch”. Moreover, this method fits perfectly into the picture of the world of Orthodox ideologists: "The woman is the neck, and the husband is the head", "We need to act with female wisdom (read cunning)", etc. There is no place for openness, agreements, direct discussion of one's own needs. A family in which violence (and the proclamation of the primacy of one over the other is already a violent model in itself) and manipulation is by definition dysfunctional! A dysfunctional family is a family that cannot cope with the internal (interaction within the family) and external (interaction of the family with society) tasks assigned to it.

Contrary to popular belief: "the strongest survives" - in nature it is not the strongest who survives, but who is able to quickly adapt to changing environmental conditions. Didn't we notice that we live in a completely different world? In modern conditions, taking into account the economic and social context in which we live, a functional family is considered to be one that was able to adapt to the maximum changes in the surrounding reality. Taking these factors into account, the functionality of a modern family requires a flexible distribution of roles, power, functions, and responsibilities. They should not be gender-based. The modern type of family is an egalitarian family, in which complete and genuine equality of husband and wife is assumed in all matters of family life without exception. The husband and wife make a (proportional) contribution to the material well-being of the family union, jointly manage the household, jointly make all the most important decisions, and are equally involved in caring for and raising children. The principle of equality between men and women is stated in the current Constitution of the Russian Federation and the Family Code of the Russian Federation, which is the legal basis for the development of an egalitarian family.

We live in the 21st century, in a world of enormous possibilities, in the era of artificial intelligence, intelligent robots and space flight. But we live in a medieval patriarchal way. With the rapid development and tremendous achievements of science, we still rely on dogmas, stereotypes, use magical thinking and take on faith what has long been questioned, refuted, recognized as outdated and cannot be used in modern realities.

I repeat once again, this article does not touch upon questions of faith (to believe or not to believe, as well as in what, in whom and to whom - this is a private matter of everyone and is worthy of respect). It touches upon aspects of aggressive fundamentalism, which, in my opinion, is trying to destroy the foundations of a modernized culture by imposing its own norms on it. Through the lips of its ideologists, the Church opposes the foundations of a modern secular civilization based on the values of humanism, the principles of respect for human dignity, ensuring the rights and freedoms of man and citizen, the principles of equality, solidarity, democracy and the rule of law.

As K. G. Jung (maybe not literally) - "Why do I need faith when I have knowledge." Modern knowledge allows you to develop forward without looking back. The way of life, worldview, skills and foundations that allowed our ancestors to survive should not at all continue to determine our ideas about the world and our role in it, through the rigid attitudes of adherents of medieval traditions.

Link to the interview -