Kindness Leading To Violence

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Before reading this article, I recommend reading my previous one: "Aggression - good or evil?" - because there I consider aggression as a whole in more detail, and this is directly related to the topic of this article. Now let's get started.

Good is often considered unambiguous goodness … But for whom?

Locking in your natural aggressiveness

a person and those around him take risks playing kindness.

Have you met kind people? I remember one meme with the following meaning: "Always kind and smiling people, at any moment ready to respond and help, I always think, what kind of dreams do you have with murders and a dismembered woman …"

And as far as I know, this is true: "kind" people often sleep badly, because the unconscious, trying to process natural human aggressiveness, often locks it in dreams.

I would divide "kind" people into several types:

1. Auto-aggressive kind people or "Masochistic"

2. Chokingly kind people or "Altruistic"

3. Correct kind people or "Dogmatic"

4. And the harshest (probably more correct to call it "cruel", but here my personal attitude breaks out noticeably) type: Seemingly kind people or "Sadistic".

We will look at everything in order, but first I want to remind you that I consider aggression as energy that arises for the realization of a person's needs. Moreover, aggression is inherent in each of us in connection with our biology. More about natural aggressiveness in the article I wrote about above.

But some people are so afraid of aggression (more precisely, they were scared in childhood and were not taught healthy forms of its expression) that they skillfully lock it away from themselves … and “convert” it into kindness!

Agree, it sounds paradoxical: Aggression -> Kindness (but it is).

You know this feeling, when a person seems to be kind and smiles at you, but you feel “something is wrong,” some kind of falsehood, nonsense. So let's move on to types:

AUTO-AGGRESSIVE or "MASOCHISTIC" kind people:

the safest type for others

These are Lyuli, whose price of kindness is their personal ill-being. They are harmless and often unhappy. Inner pain makes it impossible to be fully happy, even if they are engaged in altruistic activities.

These people often do not have their own opinion, and if they do, they will not stand up for it or even will not express it; they avoid conflicts, can “dutifully” swallow other people's ideas; they are more likely to eat themselves than you can get their opinion or what their pain is.

Chokingly kind people or "Altruistic" - those who "whip completely"

You have not yet had time to form a need, but they are already right there with its implementation. It is difficult for children to separate (separate) from such people, because everything here is so sweet and ready-made. Often with such people, a feeling of inferiority can arise, which is normal, because everything is done for me, as if I am armless.

RIGHT or "Dogmatic" kind people

care is what is a "template" control

They "care right" because they "live right." What they call caring is not caring because for true concern, it is important to see the other and help him achieve HIS goals. In this case, people take care of their PROJECTIONS: they "endow" a person with needs that he DOES NOT have (or distort those that he has), and begin to actively serve these needs. Those. they do not see a real person in front of them, which means that they cannot take care of him. There is no empathy in this concern (again, for this you need to see another).

Often it is noticeably difficult with them and in contact. They are carriers of a number of indestructible introjects - attitudes that do not lend themselves to critical comprehension: "That's right and that's it!" They always have "how it should be" and which in principle cannot be (even if it happens before their eyes), they have the truth and fools around.

But the fourth type is the most skillful -

"SADISTIC":

SEEKING KIND people, as a rule, are very cool in contact

They can be the soul of the company, smiling, support "any" topic of conversation, empathetic, reasonable, erudite, intellectual … In short, they fascinate! So much so that after a couple of years the partner may not notice that he does not communicate with any of the other close ones, and this (this) "charming girl" hits and humiliates her / him weekly …

Those. outwardly, they are just a sight for sore eyes - they want to communicate with them, they want to build relationships and be friends with them, they are often successful in their activities. But the price in the end is total control of the partner. This is the "true" (classic) abuser.

A LITTLE MORE ABOUT TYPES:

Masochistic and Altruistic often prone to psychosomatics, since their healthy aggressiveness is left out, it is replaced by “caring” for others. Both types often have bad dreams, can harm themselves openly or indirectly: do not monitor health or risk it; they are often in a sacrificial position in a relationship, "getting" (unconsciously choosing!) abusive partners (those who will dominate them, toxic control, humiliate).

Dogmatic and Sadistic are also prone to psychosomatics (since their children's needs for love and care are never realized), but less often, because their aggression finds a way out, albeit unhealthy. They put pressure on others.

All types are prone to experiencing shame and guilt. But the first two types direct them towards themselves (and experience them toxicly, "over"); are sure that they are bad, and others are good, that they do not deserve a good attitude; out of guilt, shame and duty "serve" others. And 3 and 4 are so protected from these feelings that they redirect them, “place” them in others, making those around them feel shameful and guilty.

All types are prone to unhappy relationships, where the scenario of unequal parent-child relationship is played out. Therefore, each type needs psychotherapy (if a healthy relationship is desired), since it has uncovered childhood traumas and claims to parents

The division is conditional. Mixed types are often found. And as you can see, some types are complementary (correspond to each other). Quite often the “opposite” types form pairs, which is logical: they unconsciously “calculate” each other in order to play the key parental scenarios of violence (against themselves and / or others)

By the way, yes: if types 3 and 4 show open violence against a partner, "noticeable", then 1 and 2 also show it not only over themselves, but also over a partner, but "hidden", passive. I even recently listened to a program where the girl said: “I provoked my father to beat me so that I would have another day of peace. He would have beat me sooner or later anyway, but this is how I myself controlled this process, and his release of aggression and guilt gave me freedom for a day. " Such a sad adaptation in a destructive family arose in this girl, and she began to transfer her into adulthood with a partner.

"5th Element" or 5th TYPE

I would also highlight 5th TYPE: TRUE KIND PEOPLE. I most trust another kind person when he can say “No” to me, get angry with me (although sometimes this, of course, is very unpleasant). But I can BELIEVE this person: if he can tell me "Stop", it means that his "Yes, I will help" - honest and verified with his inner self.

I believe in kindness from excess, not scarcity. If I myself am happy enough, and even more so abundantly, then it's okay to share it. If I am full and know that I will be full tomorrow, and I have apples above the roof, it is normal that I will share them. If I have the last apple and I don’t know when we’ll eat next time, then it’s strange to give it to just anyone (unfortunately, in cases of childhood emotional trauma, the resource often “merges” where it essentially cannot be evaluated).

CONCLUSIONS

I would like to draw a simple conclusion:

Kindness is neither good nor bad. It is important what price the person and his relatives pay for their kindness.