2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
A person who grew up in an atmosphere of acceptance and love treats the manifestation of kindness, care, affection, compassion towards himself as something natural, this does not cause him strong emotions in the form of crying, for example, or defensive reactions such as distancing or denying a need in that. Such a person can both accept love and share it without a second thought.
For a person who was not loved in childhood, who grew up in an atmosphere of emotional deprivation and even violence, the manifestation of a kind-hearted attitude from others is often very painful. This is a trigger situation that can even provoke a sympathoadrenal crisis.
This is why he resorts to all kinds of defenses so that his trauma is not affected and does not lead to emotional states that will be difficult to control.
A person gradually acquires many defensive beliefs regarding the manifestation of weakness, like the heroes of M. Yu. Lermontov:
“He only asked for a piece of bread, And the gaze showed living torment, And someone laid a stone
Into his outstretched hand."
For what reason, kindness, love, caring hurt such a person?
Imagine a street beggar in a filthy flaw, who is driven from everywhere, humiliated, beaten, who internally has almost lost his self-esteem and faith in people. And suddenly he sees the eyes of a passer-by, and in them, instead of contempt and hatred, there is kindness, instead of a blow, he stretches out his warm hands to him and begins to embrace him in a fatherly or motherly way, he washes away the dirt from the face of this beggar, brings him to the mirror, allowing discern its beauty.
This kindness is as unusual as a small island of hope in the middle of a dark ocean. And there is a panic fear that the island will go under water and the harsh elements will torment you again.
A person is afraid to become attached to the good, because then the pain of this loss will be unbearable.
Once in my childhood I watched the cartoon "Mom for a Mammoth", where a mammoth was swimming on an ice floe alone in search of a loving mother in an endless ocean teeming with dangers. I was very worried if he would find his mother, would he disappear, would he be eaten, would his mother accept him, would she want to love him, would she reject him?
It is easy to get attached to a kind, loving person, but that makes the pain of loss even more terrible.
And yet, in these relationships, you gain something important - faith in yourself, in the fact that you can be loved, accepted that you are worthy of love, worthy of a good, human relationship as you are.
Psychotherapy can provide such an experience and, in addition, help to form emotional tolerance to trigger situations in order to reduce the manifestations of the sympathoadrenal crisis, to reduce the fear of attachment.
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