Treason. Cheating Carries A Powerful Biological Meaning Associated With The Fact That Sex With You Was Exchanged For Sex With Someone Else, Rejecting And Humiliating You In Social

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

For centuries, treason has been compared to a blow to the heart with a dagger. The fact is that cheating carries a powerful biological meaning associated with the fact that sex with you was exchanged for sex with someone else, rejecting and humiliating you in social status, throwing you on the sidelines of the reproductive instinct, leaving you alone. Treason in primitive times is the refusal of one person from another in favor of a third, leaving the rejected / s in the forest, where there is simply no chance of survival without the support of a partner or the entire team. And the fact that modern infidelity does not imply an automatic rejection of an existing husband or wife does not make the realization of the fact of infidelity easier. After all, betrayal is experienced as a personal defeat in the competitive struggle, doubly humiliating in the event that the one / the one to whom the betrayed, behaved more than worthily and did not provoke such an attitude towards himself.

XXI century only worsens the situation with betrayal. First, it becomes technically easier and easier to change: in the morning you register on a dating site and in the evening you get a portion of free sex without obligations. Secondly, in a society where 70% of families break up, moreover, in half of the cases - precisely because of betrayal, the betrayal itself is not punished in any way: neither administratively, nor criminally, nor even at the level of moral discussion. Thirdly, due to the confusion of nations, religions and cultures, there is no common understanding of the concept of "treason" in families. Which leads to conflicts based on jealousy, resentment, scandals and even divorce. A striking example of this is the sex scandal in 1998 between US President Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Where at the trial it turned out that regular oral sex in a couple was not considered "sexual intercourse" in the legal documents of several states at once, since "sexual intercourse is the contact of two genitals, and there was no such contact here." Further, the logic is simple: since there is no sexual intercourse, then there is no betrayal to Bill Clinton's wife, Hillary. No sex, no betrayal, so oral sex is a trifle.

Such discrepancies in the understanding of the concept of "treason" are often encountered in the practice of a family psychologist. But what such a discrepancy - grievances, conflicts and divorces, broken destinies of men and women, their children.

What do I want to say? The fact that when creating a family, it is important for a man and a woman to find time to fundamentally agree on common values, approaches, priorities and general rules of the game. About what is the culture of the family, and from what the psychology of the family will already be derived. After all, family psychology is always built on the basis of culture that is accepted in a given society at a historically specific time. If you want to eliminate the likelihood of conflicts based on jealousy and the prerequisites for the occurrence of betrayal, I advise spouses, both current and future ones, to agree in a pair at least about:

- 💡 What is treason in the understanding of both partners?

- 💡 What can make each other jealous, what are considered unacceptable forms of communication with the opposite sex (and with your own sex as well)?

- 💡 Where is the line between reasonable self-restraint in dealing with members of the opposite sex and the total Middle Ages and Domostroi?

- 💡 What is the mechanism for resolving conflict situations associated with jealousy, the mechanism for reconciliation of spouses?

- 💡 What is the early warning mechanism for jealousy conflicts?

To discuss these important for me, as a specialist in the psychology of relationships, questions in one article still will not work. Therefore, I will dwell only on the first of them - on the characteristics of adultery and understanding of its essence.

Without imposing my opinion on anyone, I will simply share that understanding of adultery that I myself have developed for myself over the years, analyzing conflicts in couples. So:

10 acts that are adultery or

suggest its possibility with a high degree of probability.

💡 1. Secret from the spouse and / or carried out against his / her will, one-time sex (that is, the use of the sexual organ by at least one person in a pair to obtain sexual satisfaction) with another partner (man or woman), in any form, including petting, masturbation, etc.

💡 2. Secret from the spouse / and / or carried out against his / her will, systematic sex with another / and partner / s (including during travel, travel, etc.)

💡 3. Secret from the spouse and / or carried out against his / her will, systematic virtual sex (through video, photos or correspondence) with someone else and / or sending your intimate photos to third parties.

💡 4. Secret from the spouse / and / or carried out against his / her will, systematic online communication with another person (communication by phone, correspondence), where topics of intimacy are raised and / or some mutual feelings and emotions are expressed (including communication with former relationship partners).

💡 5. Secret from the spouse / and / or carried out against his / her will, systematic meetings with other people for personal reasons (even if with unconfirmed intimacy).

💡 6. Secret from the spouse and / or carried out against his / her will, systematic correspondence with representatives of the opposite sex on websites and in social networks (including the initiative to get acquainted, acceptance as friends, exchange of likes, interested dialogue, etc.)).

💡 7. Secretly from the spouse and / or carried out against his / her will, registration on a dating site, or keeping active on those dating sites, the profile on which was created before marriage.

💡 8. Secret from the spouse / and and / or carried out against his / her will, systematic visits to places and events where there is a high probability of acquaintance with erotic connotations (corporate parties, trips to recreation centers, yacht clubs, sports or leisure activities, cafes, bars, restaurants, nightclubs, parties, parks, etc.).

💡 9. Secret from the spouse and / or carried out against his / her will, systematic, explicit flirting (the desire to draw special attention to be liked as a sexual object), which leads to receiving gifts from other people, invitations to dance, exchange of contacts, entering personal space and body contact, etc.

💡 10. Secret from the spouse and / or carried out against his / her will such systematic behavior of a person, which directly casts a shadow on his / her reputation as a wife / husband, can be easily interpreted as signs of treason.

This item was added to discipline the spouses and exclude ambiguous situations, such as: “I talked with my friends, their acquaintances came here, they sat down with us, well, I sat with them for a campaign, drank, came to my senses at night”; “I rode in a car with a friend, she asked for a lift to her friend, went for a drive together, then went to his house for coffee, but everything was decent”; “We went with the girls to the sauna, asked to steam us with brooms of men from the next room”; “At a friend’s birthday there were not enough chairs, the net had to kneel to the friend’s brother / uncle”; “You didn't pick me up, you had to leave for the event with a colleague from work, and you know that I always like to sit in the first seat”; “I smiled hard at the seller in the market and let him kiss me on the neck to get a bigger discount, you’ll only benefit from this, say thank you for that” and so on.

Or “Honey, I'm sorry: I went to karaoke with my friends, it was noisy, at first I did not hear your calls, then the battery was discharged and it was already a deep night”; “You know, we agreed to go fishing with a purely male campaign, but for some reason Petya took his wife and her friend with him”; “After work I stopped at the home of an acquaintance, at her request to fix the tap. I just fixed it and drove on home. I didn’t tell you because I was afraid, you’ll get it wrong. And so it happened ….

Immediately I foresee that one of the readers or female readers will indignantly say that this list is harsh and smacks of Asian despotism and male tyranny. I note that as a practitioner of psychology, I never argue and, as already mentioned at the beginning of the article, I allow the spouses themselves to determine the scope of what is permissible in their family. If someone thinks that petting or blowjob is not sex, but a one-time intimate contact or mutual exchange of intimate photos with third parties means absolutely nothing, then this is their own business.

But, it is appropriate to note: I regularly consult clients, in pairs where it was once agreed that modern and relaxed spouses have the notorious "personal space" and can behave "in a modern free" way. For example: a husband and wife had the right to meet with anyone, correspond on social networks with strangers, attend various entertainment events one at a time, talk, exchange phone numbers and dance with whomever they want, etc. As you can imagine, with a clear agreement that it is - without sex! But, alas and ah: the happy existence of a couple in this format, as a rule, turned out to be short-lived: one of the partners, or even both at once, were quickly drawn into an intimate relationship with someone else. Which is not surprising, because from the point of view of psychology:

Any systematic communication of sexually attractive

men and women creates the starting conditions

for the emergence of intimate relationships.

This is not the automatic beginning of relations between all men and women who regularly communicate with each other, but it is fixed that this creates the starting conditions for this. And if there are no serious restraining circumstances between the communicating man and woman, then a "spark of passion" can easily flare up one day (especially under the influence of abstinence, alcohol and the hope that no one will know about it).

I will say more: in those couples where a lot of things were allowed to each other in advance, when there was infidelity, and then this was discussed in the psychologist's office, it often turned out that just before the moment when one of the partners crossed the line sexually what is permissible, people thought: “Well, what, in the conditions in which we live, my partner, probably also allows himself a lot … And what am I, worse ?! Eh, it was, it was not: once it does not count, but it is so tempting … ". In addition, it was often discovered that the one of the couple who offered "modern free relationships without primitive jealousy" was just proposing them, because either he already had an intimate relationship with someone "on the side", or was holding someone something in mind for future relationships. That's it …

Therefore, in order not to slip into Domostroy, but also not to remove all the brakes from the behavior of husbands and wives, speaking of those actions that do not carry a confirmed fact of sexual intercourse, but cause great associations with this, I personally introduce three additional determinant - “systematic”, “secret action from the spouse”, “and / or carried out against his / her will”. For example, swingers have sex with other partners in agreement with their own partner and not secretly, so this is formally, not cheating (although as a family psychologist I consider these actions dangerous for the family and described the consequences of this in my articles).

Or else: if a girl visited a cafe with her friend several times a year, without making a secret out of it, having agreed peacefully with her husband in advance, avoiding communication with other men in the institution, then this is not treason. If we are talking about regular visits to hot spots, and not only in the strictest secrecy, but also against the will of the husband, then this smells strongly of a conscious desire for treason. And the fact that an intimate relationship with someone outsider, in fact, did not have time to form, does not make the girl's behavior correct. She just was not very lucky on the side and nothing more: a merchant did not have time to find her goods. And that's it.

Or, say, personal communication between a wife and a work colleague. When people give each other various sweets and gifts, drink coffee in the office after work, write each other emails like “good morning and good night, I'm dreaming of you; you are the best; catch a kiss; how much you mean to me; Thank you for everything, everything, everything. If this is done not just secretly from the husband, but the husband has already shown obvious dissatisfaction with this correspondence, but still everything continued, then excuse me, isn't this moral betrayal, isn't this a way to physical betrayal? Or when the husband explicitly forbade going to work in stockings and correspondence with a male colleague, and the wife does it secretly and regularly, how should this be assessed? Or when a husband secretly and regularly meets with his ex? What's this?

Or the systematic flirting of a wife with strangers at parties. When the husband clearly asked: “Please do not smile at other unfamiliar and unfamiliar men, do not give them your phone number and business card, do not sit next to them, do not reach out to them during communication, do not let them sit next to you, touch you with your hands, dance with you, pour alcohol on you, make compliments, tell vulgar jokes, give something, don't look after someone yourself, etc. , and the wife does something from this list, isn't this a deliberate challenge to her husband by your wife? Isn't this an indicator that the status and authority of another man for the wife is clearly higher than the status and authority of her own husband? And isn't this a humiliation for him, comparable to treason itself? And not a sign of the wife's readiness for treason, even if only moral so far? And in general, as practice shows, from moral readiness for treason to physical readiness, only half a step.

I will also say something else. One of the difficulties of questions related to infidelity is that (according to my calculations) no more than 30% of those who are trying to convict of this are honestly confessed to the infidelity, without having concrete evidence of the sexual intercourse in their hands. Moreover, immediately, that is, instantly, no more than 10% of these 30% admit this, that is, only one of the three who generally admit to the fact of treason. And about 70% of cheating husbands and wives either categorically do not admit the fact of infidelity at all, or try to tell tales that they either "stopped in time" or "it was just a game associated with an offense at a lack of attention from you."

Since no one admits to treason, it means that the spouse who does not want to feel deceived and feel the growth of horns needs to have a clear and precise list of those criteria for treason, on which both spouses should rely in their behavior at once. What I just talked about at the beginning of this article. And its main goal is, firstly, to encourage you to develop in your pair clear, mutually accepted and agreed criteria for treason (which will significantly reduce the likelihood of its committing), and secondly, to give you that basis (in the form of a list of ten points), which you can either expand or shorten at your discretion. Then you will have a single family culture, and therefore the correct psychology of family behavior.