Save A Family For The Sake Of Children?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Every year in Russia, about 1,000,000 marriages are created, about 650,000 married couples are divorced, that is, about 60-65% of the number of families registered for the year. Plus, an even greater number of civilian couples are parting who have not legally formalized their relationship at the registry office. Thus, the facts say the following: about one and a half million men and women in Russia decide annually: it is definitely not worth keeping a family for the sake of children! And the former spouses and roommates break up.

It would seem, what else can we talk about? One and a half million people a year is not a joke! Moreover, from year to year, over the past two decades! A person who is vehemently opposed to the family can happily say: “Such statistics are a direct recommendation not to save the family, even for the sake of children. There is nothing to even talk about! But let's not jump to conclusions. As an experienced family psychologist, I would like to draw your attention to several significant points.

1. The overwhelming majority of those men and women who divorced or left the family do not live in splendid isolation at all! In the future, these people still strive to create new stable relationships and families. That is, it turns out that divorced people do not at all oppose the family, as an institution of long-term and responsible relationships with the opposite sex, but simply could not:

- choose the right partner for a relationship who (s) would share (a) the basic values of life and ideas about the family model;

- behave correctly in these relationships, improving their own family behavior, being able to discuss in a timely manner any topics that are significant for the family and each of the couple, children;

- correctly inform the partner in the relationship about their own goals, desires and needs, their changes in the process of living together;

- correctly respond to the evolution of a relationship partner in the process of living together, changing his goals, desires and needs;

- Correctly correct their own and other people's behavior;

- to correctly resolve the contradictions arising in these relations.

That is, the problem is not at all in the institution of the family, as such, but in the people themselves, who cannot and do not want to work on themselves, and therefore are not able to take advantage of the advantages that the family can give them.

2. Many of those divorced and left the family, in the future return to their partner in marriage (relationship) and their children (child), as they find out that they cannot live without them. Former husbands and wives reconcile, live together again, often have more joint children. Since not everyone re-formalizes their relations through the registry office, this simply does not fall into the statistics. Therefore, after about a year has passed after betrayal, leaving and divorcing, the real statistics of partings becomes not 60-65% of the number of marriages, but about 30%. And these statistics will more accurately show the true state of affairs in the marriage sphere.

3. Many of those divorced and left the family, in the future are unable to create other families. For years they have had a very difficult and painful unstable relationship, torturing themselves and new partners. As it turns out, the psychological connection with the former family turns out to be many times stronger than with other relationship partners. But they cannot return back to the family, since they are not accepted back, or they already have serious obligations to a new partner, most often joint children. Which they, years later, leave as well as children from their first marriage. Thus, increasing the number of abandoned children and their own depression.

By the way, it is because of this that Russia is traditionally in the group of countries leading in the number of deaths from strokes, heart attacks, alcohol poisoning, suicides, etc. Because family disorder, influencing psycho-somatics, often turns out to be the main reason for the shortening of a person's life span.

Based on the totality of these nuances, I consider it necessary to honestly admit:

In most problem families, marriage should be saved not so much because of the interests of the children, but because of the need to preserve the life, health and overall success of the spouses themselves.

As for the interests of the children themselves, the situation here may be the opposite.

Sometimes divorce and separation of parents is more beneficial for their children than maintaining such a marriage, where there is a high risk of negative impact on their psyche, life and health.

For example, we are talking about a situation where a husband or wife is alcoholics, drug addicts, gambling addicts, criminals, mentally ill people, principled parasites, prone to regular scandals with children, aggression, domestic violence against children, suicides, etc. Or they constantly change, infecting their family half with sexually transmitted diseases, with the risk, one day, to infect hepatitis C or AIDS. (In the practice of my work, there are many cases when, as a result, fatal diseases and small children were breastfed). In such cases, I think that it is much more correct for children to grow up without seeing such a parent who not only gives disgusting examples of behavior, but is also elementary dangerous for them.

Therefore, when I am asked, "Is it worth keeping a family for the sake of children?"

- it does not pose a threat to the psyche, life and health of children;

- it does not pose a threat to the psyche, life and health of the spouses themselves;

- the spouses are self-critical, they clearly know what exactly is the cause of their conflicts, they are ready to make the correct adjustments to their behavior.

If this is the case, then the preservation of the family is advisable. If at least one of these three circumstances is missing, keeping the family is meaningless. Since crippling the psyche, life and health of children and spouses is unacceptable. And if the spouses do not have an understanding of what exactly should be changed in their behavior and the structure of the family as a whole, this will only increase the degree of conflict and still lead to unacceptable violence in the presence of children or against them.

The very same procedure for filing for divorce for a family psychologist is another opportunity to establish a dialogue between spouses to save the family.

Hence, my position is clear: just keeping the family for the sake of children, torturing myself, my family half and bearing risks for children is pointless and futile. This usually does not last long. And there is no use in this for children who, in horror, pull their heads into their shoulders when mom and dad start a conversation in a raised voice. Such examples of behavior do not lead to success in school, do not help communication with peers, and certainly are not useful for the future family relationships of the children themselves. If we talk only about financial benefits, then it is more correct to solve this issue by means of alimony or your own career growth after a divorce.

And I will emphasize the main thing: for the majority of problem spouses, the preservation of their marriage is often the only chance not to get lost in life for themselves! Because those adult men and women who cannot properly create a family and live in it correctly are almost like children themselves. And they themselves need a family in order to survive and grow up elementarily."

This is my position as a family psychologist. That is why, in my work, I never advise conflicting spouses to suffer and endure for the sake of their children. I am deeply convinced:

For the sake of children, you should not endure, but work on yourself and relationships!

But again: one should not work with emotions, not shouting or insulting! You need to work consciously, clearly, critically and self-critically, sorting out the causes of family conflicts, creating a specific scheme for breaking the deadlock of the crisis. Without this, the work is meaningless and hopeless.