2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
From the collection " Codependency in its own juice".
“He's afraid of you - you ask him a lot of uncomfortable questions,” - her friend Masha told Tanya in an expert tone.
Maybe Masha is right? Maybe these are really awkward questions and shouldn't be asked? Moreover, in parapsychological circles, she all the time hears about personal boundaries, about the right to personal space. And in near-spiritual circles they say that you need to accept a man as he is. And in general, do not pester him.
And at home, in childhood, all the time they answered her questions with something like "Don't bother", "Leave me alone", "What a stupid question?" … Either they got irritated and shouted, or they left in silence. Tanya no longer understood what to ask about, what not.
Tanya and Sergey met for about three months. And Tanya did not understand what was happening between them.
Sergei either moved toward rapprochement or moved away. He came every other day, then disappeared for a week. He did not talk about his life - what he does, how he spends time, with whom he communicates. Tanya did not understand whether he liked her, whether he was looking at the relationship with her seriously, or "just having fun." Maybe he has several girls altogether?
Tanya had many questions. She wanted a long-term relationship, and tried to understand whether she and Sergei suited each other, and whether he himself wants a relationship in general and with her in particular. But Sergey answered the questions somehow vaguely - he seemed to have answered something, but this did not become clearer. And then Tanya was afraid to ask - what if it really was his personal space and she would violate its boundaries?
Where is the line between intrusive intrusion into the personal space of another and bringing clarity to the relationship? Can I ask "Where have you been?", "How do you see the development of our relationship?", "What are you doing?", "Why do we see each other so rarely?" etc.
Relationships are a shared, common space. And it is important that all participants in the relationship feel comfortable. Comfort also includes a sense of clarity, comprehensibility, clear knowledge of what is happening.
Questions regarding the general space of relations can and should be asked. These are questions in which the words "we", "our", "you and me" ("your" and "mine", "you" and "me", "you" and "me", "you" and " mine "," you "and" our ", etc.).
For example, the child's questions to the parent "Why are you forbidding me ice cream?", "When are we going to the zoo?" quite legal.
Questions to a partner regarding something in common - relationships, plans, intentions, feelings, property, time, etc. - too. By staying in a relationship, a person gives up their time of life. And it is important to do this consciously, having an idea of the partner's picture of the world.
However, the wording is important. The question "Why are you late for our meeting?" has the right to life, but usually behind it there are deeper questions that can be asked in a constructive way (“I-messages”, voicing my feelings and thoughts): “I was worried. Are you all right? "," When you are late, it seems to me that some other business is more important for you than meeting with me. Is that so? "," When you are late, I perceive it as disrespect for my time and get angry. Let's discuss how we can resolve this issue."
An attempt to bring clarity and understanding to a relationship can cause irritation, resentment, alienation in another. These are his personal processes. But there is already a choice, what level of uncertainty can be experienced, and which one does not suit, and you need to somehow resolve the issue (discuss with your partner the very fact of uncertainty and his withdrawal from answers or get out of the relationship).
Willingness or unwillingness to share something personal: one's own (not related to relationships) plans, thoughts, events - can speak of the level of trust and willingness to get closer, to form that very joint space. And this is again a question for discussion with a partner and your own choice, whether such a pace and level of rapprochement is suitable or not.
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