2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
A peaceful discussion with an egoistic being is impossible. Because the exchange of opinions implies a certain degree of adequate self-esteem of individuals, as well as the realization that someone else's opinion is not an attack on your personality.
You can always say: “We have different opinions and it happens. I do not set myself the goal of being right at all costs. This is possible when the dispute does not touch upon fateful issues. But the wounded ego always strives to be right and fights with other opinions to admit it is right as in a real battle to the death.
Recently, a woman wrote to me under a post in which I quote from a movie and admire the quote: "You did not understand anything." One phrase, no arguments, facts, logical conclusions. Just one phrase, which in itself has only the purpose of reinforcing the ego. I tried to find out why she thinks so, perhaps I really did not understand something, I admit it, but all the answers were extremely incomprehensible and led the conversation to a complete dead end. This is an example of how pointless it is to talk to the ego and not to the person. In this case, the person identified with his ego. With such conversations, you always feel the leakage of energy, which feeds someone else's ego. I believe that the best option for meeting such people is parting. If you are living with such a person, then the breakup can be a complete break, or interruption and pause, using the phrase above in this article, as soon as you feel that you are being spoken to through the ego and involved in an argument.
In general, disputes for the sake of being right, I consider senseless and unjustified spending of the most expensive currency in our life - time.
How to understand that the dispute is just that, for the sake of being right, and it needs to be ended as soon as possible?
1. Feeling of loss of strength, feeling of powerlessness.
2. The feeling that the opponent (or you) is not so important the result of cooperation with you (with him) or relations with you (with him), as it is important to win the dispute.
3. The feeling that you (or you) are competing for who is smarter or who is more important, and that this is a more important goal of the process than the result of a dispute aimed at cooperation in a business or relationship.
4. The focus of the dispute is not on the overall outcome of the case, but only on outcomes beneficial to one or both egos - strengthening self-esteem, reaffirming power, and increasing value. Therefore, the consequences of the dispute are not important for the goals common with the opponent.
5. With this opponent, it was never possible to come to a common decision and agreement in a dispute: he always "fights to the last" for the sake of his own righteousness. The scenario of all disputes with him is the same.
6. You are not asked why you think so, they are not interested in your facts and logical conclusions in the dispute, in the end, your feelings and needs, they talk to you haughtily and categorically from a position "from above".
7. Feelings of impasse and despair during and after an argument.
If the dispute is really important in terms of the result, and the consequences of wrong decisions can be bitter and painful, that is, disputes in business or fateful decisions in a personal format, then the best solution may be to contact third parties who are experts in the dispute or to external sources. information. In disputes with the ego, such a development of events is almost impossible. The ego is always looking for righteousness, power, significance. The ego is obsessed with its unconscious gains. The ego will not allow the opportunity to question its righteousness. In the event that such a person with a wounded ego agrees to contact an expert, this expert will be devalued and destroyed if his expert opinion does not coincide with the opinion of the ego. Relations of cooperation with such people are impossible, with them only relations of "subordination-power" are possible.
Among the debaters there are especially cunning and quirky people who very occasionally and / or in little things will let you win yourself and admit your innocence so that you “do not die of hunger”, slightly “feed you” with a compliment or approval, but in general this is the feeling yourself next to them, that you are less than you really are, will not leave you. The relationship in this case is not horizontal, not partnership, but vertical - patriarchal. It's up to you whether to continue with them!
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