2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Are you familiar with such situations: your young artist painted the corridor, but does not admit it, and your little daughter cooked pies in the sandbox and now claims that she has already washed her hands, and you see dried mud on her hands. Your teen claims he came home on time when you heard that he came half an hour late. Whatever the lie, it upsets the parents very much. But if we understand why our children lie, we can help them become more honest.
Lies are not always hidden. According to research by Kang Lee, a university professor and director of the Institute for Childhood Research, a preschooler's lie is just a new developmental stage, your child is trying to manipulate information. This is a natural process of a child's development and there is no need to worry in advance that you are growing a pathological liar. Research shows that lying is normal for children between the ages of 4 and 17. Children lie so believably that even their parents cannot always tell the truth from lies. But after 17 years, the level of deceit decreases markedly, this gives us hope that lying will not become a characteristic feature in adulthood.
In fact, children have many legitimate reasons for not telling the truth: they lie to avoid punishment, not to disappoint their parents, and not to receive a negative assessment. Could you be honest if you knew for sure that this would be followed by humiliation, insult, punishment or moralizing? It is very difficult for a child to tell the truth if he is sure that he will be scolded. The child does not want to disappoint you and it is easier for him to tell you a funny story that will make you laugh heartily than to upset you by admitting that he did not act beautifully or made the wrong choice. It is quite natural that we, parents, punish a child for lying, so as not to encourage it. Paradoxically, it is punishment that backfires! He continues to lie to avoid the next punishment. Vicious circle. By understanding and accepting the reasons for children's lies, we can create a warm, family atmosphere where the child will feel completely safe and painlessly learn to tell only the truth.
The following seven steps to truth will help you provide a safe and secure home for your child.
1. Remain calm. Watch yourself how you react to failures and mistakes in your home, whether it is juice spilled on the carpet or other unfinished business. If your children are confident that you will scream and punish them, they will not want to come to you with the truth. Therefore, pay attention to the timbre of your voice. It may be stricter, but nothing more. Instead of getting angry with the child and blaming him, discuss the solution to the problem together.
2. Do not create a false answer in advance. If you see a pile of laundry in your daughter's room where she hasn't tidied up yet, you don't need to ask her if she has cleaned up? If you know the answer in advance, do not create conditions for lying. Instead, it is better to emphasize ways to deal with the situation. If you know Evan hasn't touched the homework, instead of asking directly "did you do your homework?" Ask, "What are your homework plans?" Instead of asking, "Where does this dirt come from?" Ask, "What can we do to remove this and make sure it doesn't happen again?" All this will help prevent power struggles and allow your child to maintain their dignity, calmly get out of the situation, focusing on resolving this issue. This will be a lesson for him and next time he will sit down for homework right after school or take off his shoes in the hallway instead of the living room to avoid repeating these problems.
3. Accept the whole truth. When you caught a child in a lie, do not immediately blame and shame him. Listen to his story to the end, trying to understand where the roots of his lies are and identify the reasons. Make it very correct for your child to understand that you have felt untrue: "It sounds like an implausible story! Maybe you are worried about something or are afraid to tell the truth? Let's talk about it. What can help you be honest?" Stimulate and support your child so that he will certainly want to tell you the truth himself.
4. Celebrate the child's honesty. Even if you come home, and you have a flood at home and water flows like a river from the bathroom, because your daughter bathed her dolls there. But she honestly told you about it, it is necessary to note her honesty and praise for her courage. "I really appreciate that you told me how it all really happened, probably it was difficult for you, but you told me the truth and took responsibility."
5. Turn discussion of mistakes into a game. Turn mistakes into learning opportunities to teach your child how to make good choices. When we stay calm, don't shout, or punish him, we are much more likely to discuss his behavior and teach him to admit his mistakes. Ask, "If you had the opportunity to do it differently, how would you do it?" - discuss it and find many different options. If someone else is hurt - perhaps the child broke his sister's scooter - ask what they can do to remedy the situation.
6. Show your love. Show your child that you love him unconditionally, even when he makes mistakes. Let him know that even though you get very upset about bad behavior, you never stop loving him. It helps children feel safe and more open to you.
7. From words to deeds. Remember that your children are always watching you and doing the same as you. And even a small innocent lie: whether we are getting rid of the dog or trying to evade help with school fees. It seems harmless to us, but it all teaches children to lie.
All of these tips will help you get on the path of trust between you and your child. But remember that this is time consuming. Be patient. However, if your child continues to lie often, or if his lies harm others and this becomes his character trait, you can get qualified help from a psychologist and find the root of the problem.
Create an environment where the child will feel safe speaking the truth day after day. Help him develop personality traits that will help him grow up.
Translation: Marina Kulakova
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