Lies That Lead To Truth

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Everybody lies. And most of all lie those who say that they never lie, are never late, never took anything from someone else

It is difficult to find a person who has not enjoyed the advantages of deception, but we sincerely wish to see people who are sincere and decent next to us. Choosing friends and lovers, employees and partners, we certainly expect honesty from them, seeing in it the most important virtue for relationships. We want our children to never lie to us, but, alas, when raising children, we often teach them the lessons of a real absolute ideal lie.

In matters of truth and lies, parents are often very contradictory: they want their children not to lie to them, but they allow lies where lies are required, as part of adaptation to socio-cultural norms, introducing a tough contradiction into the heads and souls of children, where the choice made by the child, almost always leads him to disappointment.

Two cases from real life, familiar to many, where it would seem that a lie emerges from time to time. Sunday morning, family at home. Home phone call. Father of the family: "If I am, I am not at home." The children were wary: what will happen next? The wife, in the presence of the children, picks up the phone: "No, he is not at home! I don’t know when he will be." Do you think nothing happened? Do you think that no one noticed anything? The children have learned their lesson: parents lie, but not to anyone, but to the father's boss! It's okay to lie, and even good. Parents are lying! Entrance to the zoo. Inscription: "Children under 6 years old - admission is free". The family buys two adult tickets and one for their 12-year-old daughter.

The son, who is already seven, is told to keep quiet. He honestly everyone wants to shout: "I'm big! I am already seven years old!". But his parents scold him for the truth, they do not want to pay for his growing up. Growing up is expensive. One ticket - but what a perfect example of theft! And the boy, with resentment and pain in his soul, agrees to be small, because adults do not realize that now the very upbringing is taking place, which everyone is so much concerned about. Many years later, when their child will lie to them or take the money set aside for TV without asking, no one will remember how it all began. Yes, we often have to lie in the presence of a child. After all, having met a classmate on the street who is terribly fat and looks bad, you are unlikely to decide on honesty and tell her about it. Most likely, you will tell her something that does not correspond to the truth, and the child, witnessing such an action, will feel that it is a lie. It seems to us, they say, the world is so arranged that there is a permissible share of lies that do not have malicious intent behind it, but rather looks like tact and tolerance, even as part of culture. She even invented poetic names - "holy lie", "lie for good."

Could it be a blessing that we, hiding the truth from a person, deprive him of the right to choose? For example, without telling a person the truth about his illness, we can deprive him of the opportunity to take care of the children, who will take care of them, if something happens to him, and who gets the apartment. Yes, it is scary and bitter to realize the need for such a truth, but it is difficult not to admit the fact that a lie in this case makes life difficult for the living. However, it is convenient for us to recognize the shading of the truth, to add colors to it in order to save ourselves from complications and losses behind a lie. I do not call for the fact that we should all in a row speak in person, about who they really are, how they look, and where they should direct their energy, but it is important to find the right words and the necessary arguments in this case so that the child learned to distinguish tact from lies, politeness from deception. And here you are for the first time faced with the fact that your child lies, cheats or steals. It is worth recognizing that the parents are not afraid of the fact of lying, but the realization of the lack of trust in the relationship, the realization that the child has already mastered the science of being insincere with loved ones. The feeling that he deliberately neglects trust and is able to take without permission what does not belong to him. In addition, a child's insincerity creates in adults a sense of loss of control, unpredictability and even fear for his life and destiny. After all, only when there is trust in the family, you can plan the future, look for ways to solve the problems that have arisen.

A lie is not something that is on the surface, not facts and events in a distorted form, a lie is the absence of a joint future, plans, because it is impossible to go in one direction if the goals do not coincide due to a false perception of reality. Parents may not be afraid that the child is lying if the solution to the problem of lying will lead to the formation of a personality, the formation of new relationships with loved ones. Having passed through the disease, one can acquire immunity. So it is with lies. Conclusion - a lie teaches to tell the truth. Having made just such a conclusion, in the future, more complex metamorphoses of lies can be avoided. But, alas, the parent begins to struggle with the very fact of deception, looking for ways to punish, warn in the future, and not understand and regain trust. Lack of trust and indifference to the needs of the child is a real step towards awakening in him the desire to lie, steal and enjoy the fruits of his deception.

Here is a story about dumplings, told to me in a fit of sincerity by a pathological liar who made the ability to deceive practically his profession. The boy, let's call him Senya, was eight years old at the time. It was Soviet time, not too full, which does not justify, but at least somehow explains this whole story with dumplings. Arriving home from school, the child found that there was no one at home, but there were surprising traces of his mother's culinary activities: flour was scattered on the table, and cherry pits lay in the cup. Boy Senya was not stupid in order to put together two and two and understand that dumplings were being prepared at home. The natural desire of the growing organism was to immediately taste the delicacy, but he could not find dumplings. The resourceful little boy searched the refrigerator, the closet, all the shelves and cupboards - there were no dumplings anywhere, however, like his mother. But the spirit of the seeker was inherent in the boy Seine, so he firmly decided to find dumplings at all costs. And I found it. In the washing machine.

Listening to this story, I always wondered: how did my mother come to mind to hide the dumplings from the child in such an unusual place? What motivated her when she decided that a hungry child is an unconditional danger to delicious food? Why was she so distrustful of the eight-year-old boy? Having found the dumplings, Senya, of course, ate them, everything - a full pot. I ate it out of anger at my mother, out of resentment for mistrust, I ate it like a winner who found a treasure and spent all his energy looking for it. And at that moment a scheme was born in Senya's little head: they don't trust me, so I can cheat, but how is it to cheat? Senya's mother, who went to the store for sour cream, of course, punished Senya. And Senya grew up and still lies to his wives, children, business partners, and perceives any disclosure as a funny, exciting game and as an excuse to change the environment, and not change himself.

Why do people lie? In early childhood, babies do not understand deception. It seems to young children that everything they see is available to everyone, which means that an adult, like a god, sees all his actions and actions. As a rule, adults easily confirm this childish truth by discovering knowledge of what the child was doing and what he wants based on adult experience and the ability to collect and organize information. If a child is lying at a young age, then, most likely, because either did not understand the essence of the question and answered "yes", or because it is rather difficult for an adult to answer "no" for a small person. To the question "do you want a brother?" - the answer "yes" can mean either a desire to please an adult or a misunderstanding of what it means to have a brother.

Then the child gains the experience that, it turns out, the adult does not know everything, and the fact that I ate the extra candy may not become known to the parents. And with this experience, the child can act as he pleases if he finds in the actions of adults confirmation of the logic and necessity of his lies. After all, if the deception itself touches the adults - "Look how smart you are, you managed to fool me!" And in the future, whether or not the child will lie depends rather on how the parent's reaction to a lie differs from the parent's reaction to the truth.

If lying is beneficial, exempts from punishment, gives an advantage in the struggle to win the game, and the truth brings suffering and shame, then what do you think the child will choose? At a tender preschool and early school age, children learn a few more rules of lying from their parents: if you don't want to do something, you can get away from it using lies. The parental example is simple: when asked to buy something, the child is answered that there is no money, but he understands that there is money. When asked to go for a walk, the parent says that there is no time, but he himself plays "dances".

Is it any wonder that a child may not want to go to school because of a stomach ache? By the way, scientists have found out: in preschool age, children with high intelligence lie more, in primary school - with a special focus of intelligence on communication and the importance of their own personality in the team.

But in adolescents, the presence of a constant desire to lie, rather, indicates an insufficient level of intelligence, despite the fact that they lie more skillfully. The lie of a teenager indicates that he either does not value the trust of adults, or the opinion of adults about him is so important to him that he is ready to lie in order to maintain his reputation. For a teenager, it becomes important not only the opinion of parents and significant adults, but also of that peer group to which they would like to join - the conformal group. And if in such a group certain rules of behavior are adopted, the teenager will try to comply with these rules, even if this leads him to lie. But just at this age, a mechanism for overcoming difficulties may not be formed, and therefore a teenager is looking for simpler ways to protect himself from unpleasant consequences, and they are all, as a rule, associated with deception - skipping classes at school or institute, stealing money, failing to fulfill certain duties …

Gradually, lying becomes a habit and is no longer consciously controlled. Often, unwittingly, parents are also involved in the lie. I know of cases when parents themselves forged or bought certificates in order to justify the absence of a child in an educational institution, covered theft, car accidents and fisticuffs of their grown up, but not yet matured children. In this case, the parents became not only accomplices, but also hostages of their own children, who also managed to blackmail them later. The danger of such a situation can hardly be overestimated. Ask yourself: how often did you go to the deception because of the children in order to save your face and reputation? As soon as you enter into an agreement with the child and jointly carry out the deception, you will feel that you are practically going completely in the wrong direction. Why then be surprised that the child took money from the parental wallet if you have been accomplices for a long time.

What to do if they are already lying to you?

Rule 1. If you find out that a child or an adult is lying, there is no need to try to "bring him out of pure water" with tricks and tricks, provoking him to deceive. If you already know the truth, say so. You should not arrange an interrogation: "Where have you been?" After all, at the same time, you are lying that you allegedly do not know anything, which means that you will not be forgiven for this deception. You should not wait for a lie, now is not the time for mental exercises. It's more important to regain trust. There was a case in my practice when a girl who had skipped school for three days came home all these three days with a detailed description of school events, lessons and interactions with teachers. And when mom was informed that the child was not at school, mom, instead of a sincere conversation, began to clarify new details. Both were so lying that the child was at a loss when he found out that his mother was aware of absenteeism, but persistently continued to lie that her daughter was at school. And in this case, a teacher had to be invited to face-to-face confrontation. Alas, this did not restore trust in the family.

Rule 2. It is important to talk calmly about what happened. Don't be scared if your child refuses to talk about it. There is no need to rush and wait for an instant response. It is important to let your child know that you love him and are willing to wait until he can tell the truth. Ask him to help you, tell about the feelings that you experience from his deception or theft.

Rule 3. Do not hide family problems from the child, because trust is born where the child is aware of family difficulties, knows what the financial condition of the family is, what plans for the future, and what expenses these plans may incur. Let him participate in the formation of the budget, know about the necessary expenses, then he will be able to compare the need for his own purchases.

Rule 4. If your child urgently needs to talk to you, put everything aside and talk. It is possible that it is at this moment that he is determined to tell you something very important, and if you miss it, you will never be able to find out the truth. When you see a change in your child's behavior, let him know that you are ready to listen to him. Even if the problems are not so serious, you show him that you are always ready to help.

Rule 5. Do not discuss your child in front of teachers or cross-examine your child. Otherwise, you will be forced to take sides, and this still will not lead to a resolution of the conflict. If you choose a teacher - you can lose a child, choose a child - you will be known as a bad parent, and this will just complicate the child's position in school. After listening to the teacher's complaints in private, ask for advice - he may know other aspects of your child that are inaccessible to your attention, which means he can help.

Rule 6. Do not violate the child's right to personal privacy - do not go into his profile on social networks, do not read his correspondence. Yes, there are many things that will not please you, but the child has the right to try different roles, and if you trust him and help him, he will be able to choose something for which you will not be ashamed.

Rule 7. The question of punishment should be taken in a calm state, and the punishment should be consistent with the act committed, even if you are very hurt and offended. The punishment should not be endless (for example, until … you apologize, correct yourself), but it should be limited in time (for example, do not turn on the computer for two days). The punishment should not humiliate the child. Do not be offended by the child and do not manipulate this feeling. Yes, you are very upset and ashamed that this happened. But manipulating resentment and ignoring does not create trust, which means that with each resentment you will move away. If, after the punishment, the child does not stop performing the same actions, then perhaps you have chosen the wrong punishment, and you do not punish, but reinforce the wrong actions with punishment.

Rule 8. You may need to hear the truth about yourself, and perhaps about your friends and family. Be prepared to accept this truth without making excuses, without blaming, without getting personal. Did you want the truth? Here's a test of truth. Have you survived? Yes, it is difficult…

Rule 9. Don't kid your child. Do not say that children who do not eat porridge do not grow up, and those who do not study well will definitely become a janitor. A large number of prohibitions are not a panacea for lying, but a clear obstacle to the development of a thinking personality capable of choice. Don't promise what you can't do. If you scare the child with the police all the time, and never call her, you are a liar and a liar, and your words will soon turn into idle chatter.

Rule 10. Don't look for lies everywhere. As a rule, the truth is only a fraction of what can be seen. It is better to teach the child to correct his mistakes, to be responsible for them, to be able to cope with difficulties and gain trust through trust in himself. Often, a lie is a way to protect your inner world, often a provocation and a way to attract attention, sometimes a way of protecting or increasing self-esteem. Whatever the lie of your loved ones, you can change this state of affairs if you learn to analyze not only the behavior of the liar, but also your words and deeds.