2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Fragment from the book "What do we confuse love with, or is it Love"
Parental Relationship Model
Sometimes we adopt the models that we saw in the family. How do our parents behave towards each other? What are they doing for each other? How do they relate to each other? How do each of them feel?
For example, dad is at work all the time, and mom is waiting for him and grumbles, but at the same time they are together? We conclude that love looks like this.
Sometimes we do not like so much what the parents had, that we are trying to do “not like theirs,” but the anti-model is still a model that depends on the parent. Here the only way out is to form your own model, without trying to do “like theirs” or “not like them”. However, some positive aspects of the parental model can be deliberately adopted.
Feelings that we experienced in childhood in relationships with loved ones
“What is love” we understand from how our parents love us. More precisely, from how we perceive their attitude towards us.
If in childhood we experienced loneliness, rejection, coldness of parents, then then we create a relationship in which we will experience the same feelings.
If we have experienced emotional or physical abuse, we become accustomed to the idea that “this is normal, this is love,” and we tolerate this in the relationships that we create ourselves.
Model from culture
We often adopt the relationship model in two extremes.
On the one hand, love lyrics are rife with pain and suffering. They did not meet again. He ran after her, but did not reach. And when he ran, she was already married to a jealous man who cut off her fingers when he found out about the correspondence with him. Well, something like that. She wrote poetry to him in the moonlight and waited, waited, waited. The classics teach us that love is waiting, suffering, sacrificing, not sleeping, dying in agony.
On the other hand, melodramas in which the hero changed his mind and abruptly became an ideal prince - guesses desires, solves all problems, creates endless romance, etc. And we expect that such an ideal prince will appear in our lives, but this does not happen, because the prince exists only on film.
What to do to unravel?
The general answer is to create your own model of love and relationships.
Observe your own experience and the experience of people around you. “How do I do that? Like it or not? Why do you like it or not like it - what exactly, what exactly? Do I want it again? How can I recognize this at the very beginning?"
Observe your state in the relationship, your actions, the actions of your partner, the connection between your state and the actions of yours and your partner. Choose what is right, what is wrong. Determine for yourself what is important and what you can accept.
To cope with feelings of loneliness, abandonment, rejection, inferiority - therapy helped me. Is it possible somehow without therapy and how exactly - I do not know.
Further, it was observation and logical conclusions that helped. And adjusting your own actions, your own choices.
Book " What do we confuse love with, or is Love"and collection" Codependency in its own juice"are available on Liters and MyBook.
Recommended:
Love Is Not Pain, Or Why We Are Sick From Love. And How To Be Treated
Parents living with pain in their souls will only pass on pain to their child. But children will perceive it as love. And from that moment on, pain and love will be identical in them. Adult men and women of such parents will choose partners who can hurt them, because otherwise they will not feel love.
Which Is Easy To Confuse With Love
Care . This is the primary manifestation of love that we encounter. We badly need it in the first years of life, so its importance is extremely great for us. We know how to appreciate her, especially in her absence. Especially those who have received little of it, and have not learned to take care of themselves.
Why Not Take Care Of Me? Why Do Men Care About Other Women But Not Me?
Complaints about lack of care are more typical for women, while men can talk about it with a certain sense of dignity (“The woman doesn't care about me like that… And why?”). However, in any case, a person begins to ask himself a painful question - what is wrong with me, why is it given to others, but not to me?
The Husband Does Not Want Sex With His Wife. Why? The Reasons Why The Husband Does Not Take The Initiative In Sex?
Husband doesn't want to have sex with his wife? To start the conversation, I will give you an example of a male position and a letter from my email: Alexander, 41 years old. My marital experience is 16 years, my wife Irina, two daughters are growing up.
Confuse Everything, Confuse
Each of us wants something. Some, for example, want big and pure love. And some want to go to the hayloft in the evening. And it is good for those people who correctly understand, correctly realize what they want. And it's bad for those people who actually want to go to the hayloft in the evening.
