Parental Settings That Control You

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-08-08 14:21

Parental programs live in each of us, control and push to action, limit or stop. But what we received in childhood necessarily influences the choice of life path, whether we like it or not

Parental programs or attitudes are something that is accepted "without criticism" and is swallowed by the child completely

The attitudes and prescriptions of the parents have nothing wrong, but they may or may not help the future adult. They are transmitted verbally and not verbally, entering the subconscious of a person, controlling it, since they passed by a conscious choice. Pushing into actions that a person often interprets with surprise as "I understand with my mind, but I do it differently." Let's consider the most common settings:

"Do not be", an attitude that is most often transmitted from the mother and from the emotionally cold father

Hides the meaning "if not for you, then I would be better."

Often this is a consequence of the fact that the child was unwanted, the mother attempted an abortion, or simply did not want him very much. Or the appearance of a child greatly violated the idealistic plans of parents for the future, where they could not be realized "because of the birth of a child."

This attitude is very deep, harming a person totally. An unwanted child, especially if he was told about it, will seek "his place", experiencing mental suffering

Such future adults are prone to suicidal behavior, depression, are in the position of the Victim, where they are beaten. They are prone to addiction and self-destruction, self-flagellation, self-abasement

Don't act

Suppression of vital natural interest by fear. Such an attitude arises as a result of intimidation, protection from danger through the suggestion about the danger of the world. Most often, such messages are given by passive, frightened parents who themselves have chosen to "live quietly and not stick out."

It manifests itself in excessive caution, fearfulness, distrust of life, the ability to take risks, to choose the best for oneself

Don't grow, stay small

The formation of this limitation is formed by the mother or father who are afraid to be left alone in old age and / or that the importance and power over the child will diminish. And also a mother who does not feel the love of the father and takes all the love from the child, creating a distortion and unhealthy attachment. And also with an unsuccessful personal life, where the desired intimacy with a partner is replaced by intimacy with the child and the fear of being left alone when he grows up. Often such girls suffer from anorexia and are generally infantile, not independent, unable to create relationships, and this is due to such an unconscious reason. It can also manifest itself as a rejection of sexuality, a lack of understanding of one's identity, unwillingness or fear to start a family

A man sits next to his mother and stays with her forever

It often happens that a woman or a man wants to create their own, but parents cannot refuse, continuing to want and be around. As a result of such a scenario, they can change roles, for example: when a mother is capricious, demands, and her daughter takes care of her, like a little one, she constantly sits with him and endlessly worries. In any case, the "eternal child" remains in the parental home

Don't be a child

This prescription often applies to older children who need to be watched, looked after and "play the role of an adult" for younger children to please their parents. They need help and reactions from an adult, for example, "don't cry, look at what an adult you are," "behave well, but then how little."

The little one becomes ashamed and the child suppresses his childish part as much as he can. And subsequently, adults grow up, burdened, heavy, little emotional, not joyful people, anxious

Overly responsible, they work a lot for their own children, often strict and cold

"Don't be a woman / man", such a prescription can significantly slow down self-identification, the free expression of one's gender, due to parental grief that the child was born of the wrong gender or the inability to handle the child by his nature

This may also be due to the parent's expectation to see in the girl / boy the skills and qualities that the parents would like

Don't live for yourself, live for me

This attitude arises from constant duty. "You must", "I am everything to you, and you are so ungrateful", "you must try for us, as we have tried hard for you."

This attitude is often associated with an anti-scenario and the child often does not want to be like the parents at all, but on the contrary, not like them. And he spends a lot of effort not to become himself, but to become different from his parents

Don't be significant

This message is formed from phrases that seem to say that you are not important. For example, "what is your business?", "What do you want from me", "who are you", from ignoring, neglect, diminishing the importance of childhood experiences, states, dismissing, "you should not be heard, you should not be seen."

In adulthood, such a person will accept himself, devalue himself, take himself not seriously, put others in the first place. At the same time, it will be painful to experience ignore and depreciation in their direction

Don't be close, don't get close

Often unconsciously, the setting that provoked the frequent moving or when the parents gave their children to the grandmother for upbringing, the early death of a loved one. This forms the program that intimacy is not safe, because all early disappointment comes from parting, loss, etc

In adulthood, he tries to be alone, so as not to get attached and not to feel pain. Such a person often does not allow emotional closeness and ignores this need

Don't be successful

Criticism from parents, which, as it were, informs you that you are always doing everything wrong. The very criticism of the child and his actions by him The child is interpreted as "I still will not achieve or I do everything wrong."

In adult life, a person does not strive to grow, develop

"Do not think"

The prohibition of thinking in general, which provoke the phrases “you are a fool, stupid,” why don’t you think,”“as I said, do it, without explanation.”Or locked up on some painful parent topic: money, death, meanings, sexual relations

And in adulthood, he does not strive for analysis, to delve into the depth of what is happening, shifts the responsibility to another. In adulthood, it can be “like a little child”, overly trusting, does not try to double-check

Don't feel

"Boys don't cry", "girls don't get angry", "you can't be sad", "why are you so worried?" "," I don't need your tears."

When a parent does not know how to accept and cope with the feelings of the baby, he stops them or ignores them, ridicules or neglects them. Thus, it does not allow to manifest emotionally and gives the installation "Don't be sensitive, don't feel."

In adulthood, it will be difficult for a person to recognize his feelings, understand the experiences of others, and be able to correctly respond to the emotions of a partner. And he can also clog his experiences with alcohol or drugs in order to get away from the fact that it is forbidden to hear himself

Why does the child follow these instructions? The answer is simple: pThe ebony wants to be loved and noticed in order to survive

All these prescriptions can be erased and new ones created. And the first step is the realization that you have these programs and installations

How to erase limiting messages will be discussed in the next article