Ugliness. Why Do Many Feel "defective"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

On YouTube, I came across a video in which the author compiled a photo selection of, in his opinion, ugly actresses, and the whole video was genuinely bewildered how they manage to be successful and lead a fulfilling life. As if typical, stereotypical "beauty" is a necessary attribute of a successful life and close relationships. And without a stereotypically "beautiful" appearance, life is not life, so-so, a miserable existence.

Long ago, back in the days of studying at the Psychological Faculty, in one of the works, part of the task was to compare the percentage of "typically beautiful" in gloss and in life. I randomly took a popular gloss and counted the amount of “typical” beauty presented in it: size S or M, stereotyped appearance - more than 90% came out. Then she looked around and randomly took the same number of participants from the real world. And the glossy type of appearance was represented in less than 10%. It turns out that the only “correct” group is represented in the mass media. What about everyone else? Why are they not represented? With ale size and above, with a different appearance, with a different eye shape, color and evenness of the skin?

Can you imagine a girl with an ordinary appearance, without makeup and other typical attributes of "beauty" in the title role of the love heroine of a box-office movie? Who lives a full life, is happy, everything is fine with her both in relationships and at work? This image is on the verge of fantasy, our eyes are accustomed to standards. And many of those who did not fit into these standards feel ugly, defective, trying to cover up, paint over, disguise this “marriage”.

Living in a different coordinate system - in the world of real people, it is difficult to come into contact with the world of "beauty", where "marriage" is usually fixed. The message of "defectiveness" sounds everywhere. I go to a cosmetics store, choose a shampoo. A million and two sentences: straighten curly, curl even, lighten white, darken dark. Stop. I just need to wash my hair, I don't want to straighten and curl anything. For some reason, finding a regular shampoo for regular hair is more difficult than a special shampoo for specially colored strands.

In a clothing store, hearing from a seller: "This suit makes you slim, youthful and stretches your figure" is considered a compliment. Likewise with cosmetics: it should lighten, rejuvenate, tighten. The entire beauty industry is aimed at correcting the "marriage" in appearance, there is almost no place for goods for ordinary people. As if the common figure is marriage, age is marriage, the changes inherent in age are marriage. As if we are all totally defective.

For a long time I did not play sports outside the home, because most trainers consider the bodies of clients to be defective and do not forget to remind about it. In general, many fitness clients also think so and go exclusively to fix the "marriage", chase after the "ideal" body. But "perfect" and "healthy" body are not synonymous.

For me, a healthy body is one that the owner treats with care and love:

• undergoes regular medical examinations and check-ups, is familiar with the real state of his body and maintains health;

• has a modern scientific understanding of anatomy and physiology, knows its own characteristics;

• wears comfortable clothes made of good fabrics that do not press, do not rub, do not squeeze, in general, does not interfere with the body's life;

• wears properly fitted, comfortable shoes that do not disturb the body's balance, with a shock-absorbing sole;

• organized a comfortable workplace at your favorite job;

• often experiences bodily pleasures from a massage plan or physical activity;

• is in a harmonious relationship, including with oneself;

• organized a comfortable home space: a properly selected bed, mattress, pillows, furniture, lighting and air humidification;

• has enough rest and has an interesting leisure time;

• emotionally stable, and in case of instability there is someone to rely on;

• intuitively eats well;

• intuitively sleeps, preferably with non-wake-up calls;

• relieved a close social circle of toxic people;

and much more.

All this is self-care for me. Surely, you will have your own criteria for caring. In the article "Fake Woman" I already gave an example of a friend. She and I have similar basic criteria, but besides that, she is a fashionista and a flirt. For her, taking care of herself will also be makeup, and the choice of those same shampoos separately for each curl, and the selection of clothes, sometimes uncomfortable. But she does all this consciously, for joy, and not in order to hide her "defectiveness". These are completely different approaches to taking care of yourself: a conscious approach based on an understanding of your real needs, or a desire to hide the "marriage". You can go to fitness in order to live happily ever after in a healthy body, or so that others will appreciate the cubes on the press. Choose clothes for yourself or for imaginary voices in your head that advise how you need to look in order to be appreciated and loved. Decorating yourself out of love for aesthetics, or to hide "marriage".

How to check if you are doing something for yourself or for others? It's very simple: will you do this if you find yourself alone on a desert island? If it is difficult to imagine, it is enough to observe whether you are doing "for yourself" at home. If you defile in heels at home, when no one sees - this is for yourself. If at home in soft slippers, then for yourself - slippers. If you don’t paint at home, don’t do styling, you wouldn’t do it on a desert island either, but you go outside during a parade, most likely, you do it for those around you.

It is clear that external assessment is important, but we live in society. But it is worthwhile to understand in whose hands the control panel is in control - it is your own or in the hands of that very society. Whether the mood and the feeling of importance and significance depend on external evaluation. If you do not distinguish this, then you can accidentally transfer the control panel to others. This happens if you live from the position "I am so-so, and in some places I am completely defective, it is necessary to urgently fix it so that others do not notice the marriage." If a spiritual hole is gaping, there is no acceptance of oneself and sincere belief in one's goodness, importance and significance, then external attributes become a dummy, an illusion of filling an internal hole, the size of the universe. And external evaluation becomes extremely important and constantly encourages the race for new attributes.

Most of us have been told since childhood that we are defective. No, of course, not everyone was told directly, "Well, you are a bogeyman," although some were not told that. Many grew up through "not": in fact, you're nothing if NOT: nose / lips / legs / belly / ears / excess weight / substitute what you need. Actually, you are good, if it were NOT for: triplets / unwillingness to go to the music school / disobedience / substitute what you need. There was always this "not" that pounded a hole in the person. This was a destructive concern. It seems like they wanted to do better, but overdid it and broke. They instilled a sense of marriage. And popular culture has confirmed it.

And then this “not” comes through from everywhere: “Yes, I’m nothing if not for these little eyes, if not for this awful belly, if not for those protruding ears”. And the mass media will confirm: the eyes must be painted, the stomach has no right to exist, itself - under the mask. Nobody needs you as you are, correct your total "not", here are special shampoos, cosmetics, clothes, gadgets, the illusion of life. Because the same girls and boys, raised through "not", do the mass media. Who realized that they could make good money on this.

Want an experiment? Try from all the beautiful jars and tubes on your shelf, pour the contents into ordinary tubes, without labels and brands. Then shampoo, cream, balm will become just care products, and not bearers of emotions. And then you buy just a cream, and not "radiant skin that others will appreciate," just shampoo, and not "a shock of hair that everyone is crazy about."And not a brand that invests billions in advertising to create a sense of exclusivity in the customer - you deserve it! Will all of this content be as valuable then? If not, this is a reason to think: what are you actually buying with these jars?

You can complicate the task: try to “go out” for several days without makeup and styling, in ordinary comfortable clothes. Will this change the sense of self-worth? Will there not be a feeling of "defectiveness"? If self-worth decreases, shame appears, a desire to hide, it is useful to ask yourself questions: “Why don't I feel calm being myself? Why does the inner support stagger and requires external support?"

Try another interesting experiment: live one day as if you fully accept yourself, treat yourself as carefully and lovingly as possible. If your inner critic or tyrant distracts you out of habit, reschedule all criticism until another day. And on the chosen day - only love and acceptance. At the end of the day, make a list: What exactly did you do differently? Based on this list, notice where you are showing respect and self-love. Add to this list not only this time, but regularly. When you're ready, try to incorporate these points into your daily life.

Live one more day, tracking and writing down every thought about your "defectiveness." At the end of the day, study the list and ask yourself, “Why these particular items? When did they first appear, what or who were they inspired by? Is this exactly my opinion? " If it is difficult to figure it out on your own, welcome to the online consultation. I am a psychologist. I help clients deal with these and similar attitudes. Together we will conduct an audit, find out the authorship of interfering attitudes, outline the ways of transforming dislike into love and acceptance.

It can be difficult to deal with “defectiveness” and self-dislike on your own. Because public opinion creates stereotypes. If society came forward with a united front and said that all cats with unpainted mustaches and soft tummies are ugly, over time, many would believe. Cats would paint their whiskers and train their bellies. Because the society said. Because it is customary to believe. Fortunately, we ourselves can choose who to believe: ourselves or public opinion.

Julia Sypachevskaya, psychologist