6 Steps To Getting Rid Of Passive-aggressive Behavior

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Do you see passive aggression in your behavior? Many have a passive-aggressive reaction in contact, but 90% of people do not notice it.

Why is it important for you to work with your passive aggression?

If you do not tell people directly about your needs and desires, dissatisfaction, about what you disagree with, your dissatisfaction and frustration will grow and intensify. You get less and less what you want from the world, and more and more you get unwanted, uncomfortable for you. And the most dangerous thing here is that you can be left without friends, without loyal people in your circle, without support. And without all this it is quite difficult to live! From my own experience, I will say that it is much easier to live with the support of loved ones. But who will support the incomprehensible person who constantly gives double messages? Moreover, people with passive aggression are more prone to psychological illnesses, disorders, depression (for example, obsessive-compulsive disorder, bipolar-affective disorder, etc.). So, so that you can live efficiently and comfortably, you should learn to communicate directly with people, be able to understand and accept yourself and the people around you.

How to improve yourself so that passive aggression becomes less?

Step # 0. First, admit the problem (“Yes, I have passive-aggressive behavior in such moments and situations!”). Be sure to make mental notes for yourself when you notice this behavior in yourself.

Step # 1. Allow yourself to get angry inside yourself. Allow yourself to get into direct conflict. Remember that direct conflict only brings your relationship closer, it brings you closer to meeting your needs. And this does not mean at all that you will ruin the relationship with the person! If you fail to express your anger as fully as possible, you will think again about how to explain to the person what you wanted to say, contact him again (“Let's talk again!”). The key to being successful in any relationship is talking as much as possible!

Step # 2. Talk about your grievances, talk about what you don't like, what you don't agree with. Look for ways to express your thoughts and disagreements. It is important to improve your speech model every time - do not try to say the same thing in the same text 5 times. Choose different texts to speak. To accumulate grievances in yourself is absolutely not an option! There is no need to accumulate psychological stress, which will at least lead to disorders. Waiting for everything to return to normal by itself, and the person in some telepathic way will understand what you meant, what you wanted from him is also not an option! This approach speaks of a child's "magical" thinking inherent in a child at the age of 2-3 years (sometimes at an older age, when children sincerely believe that everything happens by itself). Mom read my mind and bought me candy. But in reality, the mother simply guesses that the child wants candy, there is no magic here. Turn off your childish view of things - no one will guess anything, no one is obliged to know and understand anything, and even more so to think about you!

A separate moment when you talk about what you don't like many, many times. For example, you repeat for the thousandth time that your husband does not put his socks under the sofa, etc., but he does not do that for the thousandth time. It's okay - speak 1001 times, look for other ways to convey your dissatisfaction to him, look for options on how to deal with this problem. And here is an important point - always explain why something does not suit you. If this is just your whim, the person will perceive your behavior as passive-aggressive (for example, "You make me wash the dishes in the evenings, when I am already tired, then I will force you to put your socks where I say it!"). For a relationship in a couple, it is important that desires are useful for both partners. However, there are times when it is necessary for the person himself, then explain why this is important to you.

Step # 3. Honestly admit to yourself what exactly annoys you. You may be annoyed not so much by the garbage that your husband did not take out, as by what he did yesterday. Let me give you an example from a personal relationship - we fought with a partner almost all week because he made me coffee in a dirty mug (I didn't smoke it, and there were divorces on top). In fact, for me this situation was the “last straw”, but it was difficult for me to explain to my partner that the reason for my aggression was not at all in that unwashed cup, but in insufficient attention to me.

So, it is important to understand what is the true cause of the conflict - what is your unmet need? And no matter what it is, this desire is important for you. This moment will help you to be more honest with yourself, to recognize that your needs are important too, no matter how strange they may seem. It also happens that strange needs have to be explained to another person in more detail.

Conclusion - your passive-aggressive actions may be the result of the fact that you do not fully understand your feelings and resentments. Once you can deal with them, everything will become much clearer and more understandable, including to your partner, if you convey the information to the person correctly.

Step # 4. Don't cheat yourself, don't mix up conflicts. Mixing conflicts will only deepen the underlying problem, and you will not be able to deal with what needs you are suffering from right now. Your partner will only get confused and think you are a psychopath, a narcissist, or whatever! In other words, having a fight with a child is one thing, but accusing his father of neglect is completely different. Consider each situation that triggered your anger separately and discuss it with the person with whom it is directly related. What other moment is important here? You should have a need to really get out of the conflict and live peacefully and amicably, and not provoke the other into anger, not try to prove to him that he is stupid, etc. If you have at least an unconscious need to prove that your partner is wrong about something, hurts you (“And now, look how you hurt me!”), this is a passive-aggressive form of behavior that provokes even greater aggression in response.

Your primary task is to resolve the conflict so that the person understands you, and does not apologize, does not feel guilty before you for half his life.

Step # 5. Give yourself time. Recognizing that you are a passive-aggressive person, you tend to exhibit this behavior, is already a rather big step, which requires a lot of energy. Accordingly, you will need time to find your bright future after seeing all this. Immediately and everything will not work out perfectly. If it were possible, you would change the situation in the blink of an eye, without studying psychology and psychotherapy. However, this is quite difficult and often requires accompaniment by some people, so just give yourself time, but be sure to analyze (what did not work out and where, what could have been done better), without blaming yourself at the same time, without being ashamed - look at the situation a little from the outside.

Step 6. Practice expressing your emotions. They said so - it didn’t work, they didn’t understand you; they said so - the person was offended; repeated it differently, discussed this situation with him, explained. Learn to tell the truth. Learn to refuse if you don't like something. Learn to talk about your dissatisfaction if you are really dissatisfied. Learn to disagree just because you're afraid the person will reject you. You can just train in a safe environment. For example, tell the seller what you really think - he looks good, serves great, one of the best sellers, in your opinion, you want to get to him when you buy bread, etc. Laugh out loud in the movies, dance at a wedding, like you like and want. Express yourself! The main thing is to understand your emotions and the ability to express them correctly. This is a direct path to getting out of your passive-aggressive behavior model.