2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The Power of Family and Social Scenario
Usually people are very dependent on family scenarios - those algorithms of life and behavior that we learn from our parents from early childhood. At the same time, it is not so important whether we like the life of our parents or not and whether we want to imitate them.
Even in cases where children rebel from early childhood, they still rely on what they see in their behavior. If there was a drinking father in the family, then one of his sons may also become an alcoholic, and the other will dislike all drinkers - but both in the formation of their scenario reacted precisely to the father's behavior.
Social scenarios can fly into a child's soul from various sources. It may be a fairy tale or story that was beloved in early childhood, but it may also be a family living in the neighborhood, whose life the child for some reason could observe. At the same time, the child's imagination takes the real patterns of relationships that reigned in this family, but as a material for creating the fairy tale that he would like to see and in which he would like to live.
In the future, a child's life can develop as a “vector component” of several differently directed and sometimes competing scenarios. And at different moments of life, the one for which there is a suitable response in the external world can come into force.
If, for example, one who at first could be mistaken for a prince bursts into a girl's life, then she becomes Cinderella, a frog, or immediately a princess. If a potential hero of another fairy tale turns out to be in the immediate environment, then the spring of another scenario begins to unwind in her soul.
Power of parental curses and spells
Throughout our childhood, parents can generously hang a variety of curses and spells on us.
- "If you behave like this, you will grow up to be a complete idiot and a failure."
- “Well, all like a father, a goat breed! You will grow up, you will be the same cattle as he is!"
- “If you don’t do the dishes and clean the house, no one will marry you. You will live like aunt Varya - alone in her dirty room!"
Some parents are more inventive and do not curse their children, but force or induce them to realize some of their unfulfilled dreams and unrealized scenarios. Sometimes these programs turn out to be somewhat successful and effective. In these cases, for example, a child can get a higher education and even go to the university that one of his parents once dreamed of. But sometimes parents can add a couple of spoons of ointment to the barrel of honey, forcing their son or daughter to master the profession that is no longer quoted in the new socio-economic situation.
Self-esteem that depresses us, but which we hold on to
Self-esteem is the reward that we receive for our egocentrism and fixation on ourselves: on our psyche, on the image of ourselves, on our feelings about what others will say about us, on their grief and their grievances.
On the other hand, self-esteem is those imprints that have been imprinted in our psyche at different years of life, usually in "sensitive periods" - during childhood, adolescence and youthful age crises.
It is the overwhelming individualism of our era that leads to the fact that self-esteem becomes such an important "sensor" on the dashboard of our psyche, which we constantly look at and respond with reverently. In those historical periods, when people were more immersed in their tribal and class communities, they, most likely, were more focused not on their “I” smeared with imritings, but on the general fate of their community.
System of family contacts and social ties
No matter how we treat our relatives, they inevitably lock on themselves a significant part of our attention, and we spend our time on them. My generation (those who are now over 50) still spent a significant part of their childhood in courtyards, and even if there were more enemies than friends, it was still the social world in which our psyche and our personality were formed. Someone formed among the people of "their own circle". In the personality of even the most violent dissidents and anti-Soviets, one can easily find traces of their Soviet encirclement. The current generations are formed in the space of social networks, and their time and attention are eaten by sometimes invisible and unfamiliar "friends".
Despite the fact that today people potentially have a lot of degrees of freedom and, in theory, can choose for themselves the style of pastime and the circle of people with which they are close and pleasant - in fact, it turns out that few are capable of real social mobility. It turns out that wide social networks give a person no more living space than the cramped courtyards of my childhood.
Having matured, people are imbued with the student atmosphere and the corporate spirit of those worlds in which they first study and then work. If someone in his student years still manages to break out of their family networks and manage not to lose themselves in student hangouts, then they can deeply get bogged down in the stereotypes of the professional community in which they are trying to socialize and make their career.
A career is an even more powerful means of capturing a person and subordinating him to a certain social program than a family scenario.
Where do you go from the submarine
Student years and early youth still give people a feeling of some freedom, when everything is possible and anything else can happen, this is true, at least for some part of young people. But in the period from 25 to 35 years, most people begin to understand that they can no longer seriously change their lives.
Those who are content with their lot and do not want to change anything; and those whose life is not very successful begin to fear that they do not have the resources to jump out of their social rut and become the hero of some other fairy tale. Some people begin to get scared that they cannot jump out of a series of similar and painful relationships, which sometimes reach the status of family relationships, or break off on takeoff. Others cannot start their career ascent and suddenly notice that they are walking in circles and one of their jobs is no better than the other. Someone, on the contrary, realizes that they can no longer jump off their career ladder and start climbing another mountain. And some manage to get bogged down in their personal and career scenarios.
Collecting more psychological and social problems in order not to solve one of your main problems …
Very often, having come to a psychologist, people complain about a large number of different problems, many of which they actually suffer. But at the same time, they rarely formulate their main problem: they do not like the way they live now, they do not like the social and everyday rut they have got into - but they do not know how to change their life for the better and how to get out of their track.
As a result, their request to a psychologist sounds like a request to help them adapt to the life scenario in which they are now floundering. The problem is that even in their own script, they cannot play their part properly.
Life coaching as a means of changing uncomfortable lifestyles
To some extent, life coaching is not a purely psychological practice, since it is focused on transmitting a development impulse to a person and in this sense is more like some kind of educational practice, which is aimed not at the transfer of knowledge, but at the formation of some new skills and abilities. …
The basic concept of life coaching is not “therapy”, but “development”. But, nevertheless, a significant part of the time you have to work with the "primary requests" of the person who came to the reception. That is, with his self-esteem, childhood fears and complexes that echo through all the corridors of his adult life. Sometimes it is necessary to resolve acute and painful problems associated with the relationship in which a person is at the moment.
Very often people leave, having dealt with their current problems, and they simply forget about a radical change in their lives. Even if in the first lessons they are in the excitement of the desire to "end everything once and for all," they voiced their goal - as a desire to change their lives.
Therefore, it can be very pleasant to work with those who really have the courage to change their lives for the better.
This article is a continuation of a series of articles on life coaching,
previously published on this site:
Life-coaching: family scenario
Life-coaching: an individual life trajectory
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