2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I don't know a single family that hasn't quarreled at least once. I would even say that this is a natural process. And we would not be people if: sometimes we didn’t understand the other, didn’t notice his needs, didn’t unconditionally demand what we needed, didn’t try to shout out to our partner by any means.
In this article, I will focus on the causes of fights.
There are various reasons for quarrels in the family. In psychology, three groups of reasons are distinguished: the reasons for the unfair distribution of responsibilities in everyday life and in the family as a whole; reasons based on dissatisfaction of needs; reasons related to the lack of upbringing of one or both spouses.
The feeling of unfair distribution of responsibilities arises from the fact that at some point there was no clear agreement and agreement. It may seem strange, but it is very important to discuss all everyday issues even before marriage. It is important that the distribution of responsibilities takes place by agreement of both spouses. Both can expect completely different things from the other and the family and can imagine family life in different ways. Naturally, the more these ideas differ, the more likely the family will break up and, therefore, it is less durable. This is due to the fact that gender-role expectations do not coincide (or they speak of a conflict of views).
If the wife or husband understands their roles in different ways and cannot agree on their ideas, and sometimes there is even no way to tell, either because of the partner's rejection of any attempts to convey their ideas and understanding to him, or because of the impossibility of directly and clearly explaining … Sometimes we try to talk about our ideas in such a flowery and "roundabout way" that we may not be understood, even trying to "read between the lines." The best option is to speak directly, honestly, without reproach, but about your ideas and your feelings. Very often I come across the fact that any of the partners considers his behavior and attitude to be the only correct one, and the partner's behavior (if it does not meet his requirements) is bad, wrong, etc. Some even believe that their spouses behave this way on purpose in order to annoy them. If there is no way to come to an agreement and come to a compromise, then it develops first into a latent, and then into an open conflict.
About the second reason (dissatisfaction of needs), we can say that it arises from the fact that the ideas of each of the spouses are very different from the ideal of the other. Research shows that beliefs are limited to only one aspect of life. And often this is only the everyday side of family life. A little less often the sexual side. Men often have more ideas and understand what his wife should be able to do, and they rarely have any idea about their duties and responsibilities. Women are also less aware of their role than that of husbands. The biggest chasm arises in the question of how you can maintain a healthy relationship in the family. Men more often understand the solution to this issue in good material support of the family. Women emphasized the importance of moral and emotional support in the family.
The third reason is that (especially young spouses) know little about each other, their individual history and seed values. Perhaps this is the consequence of the fact that during the courtship period anything was discussed, but not family values and did not communicate their ideas, or did not betray the meaning of the words of another. This often happens when the premarital period is very short.
I will continue to talk about how to effectively go through family conflicts in the second part of the article.
If you still have questions about how to cope with quarrels in the family, you can ask me, and I am ready to answer them.
Mikhail Ozhirinsky - psychoanalyst, group analyst.
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