2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
A perfectionist is every employer's dream. It is they who do not know how to tinker, work for wear and tear and achieve the most significant results. They are envied and equal to them. And what is the life of the perfectionist himself - a person whose whole life is subordinated to the attitude “either ideal, or not at all”?
A perfectionist is, first of all, a person who suffers. A person for whom every mistake is a small death.
Can a person sentenced to death be happy, who fears it, waits, dies, and then begins to be afraid anew? A man possessed by a passion that will never be satisfied because absolute perfection is unattainable? American psychologists to diagnose perfectionism use a questionnaire with the telling name "Scale of unattainable perfection".
It is worth clarifying right away that we are talking about pathological perfectionism, because there is also a healthy one, which in fact is nothing more than conscientiousness and diligence.
Perfectionists crave recognition with all their hearts, but publicity tends to scare them, as one of their greatest fears is appraisal. They themselves constantly evaluate themselves and others. And since perfectionists make outrageous demands on themselves, they are confident that others will evaluate them by the same standards.
Such people can achieve a lot, but they cannot enjoy success, because there is always that little flaw that will ruin their mood. And if something is brilliantly executed even in his strict opinion, the perfectionist will certainly think that not everything in his life is as perfect, and he will be upset.
Most people with excellent student syndrome are prone to procrastination, because it takes a long time to complete each task in order to make it perfect. A lot of energy is spent on this. Moreover, they often unconsciously delay the start of an important business - this makes it possible to postpone the moment when the results will be evaluated. There is no process for the perfectionist. Its only goal is the result.
But even if you do everything "on the top five", you can always face criticism from ill-wishers. And this is very painful for self-esteem and time after time reduces the motivation for action.
An important feature of perfectionism is the inability to be present in the present moment, to live “here and now”. Perfectionists live in the past, remembering the moments of their victories, and in the future, predicting the worst outcome of any situation and living in advance the full range of negative emotions that it can entail.
The deep conviction of a person with excellent student syndrome is “I'm not good enough. I am worse than others. Therefore, the perfectionist sentenced himself a long time ago, and now he is waiting for his confirmation from others, sensitively catching all the sidelong glances, half-hints and sighs and interpreting them not in his favor. It has turned into a locator that is tuned exclusively to the outside world and is practically deaf to the inside. The perfectionist seems to be watching his life from the outside, constantly evaluating his every step, and not living it in his body with his emotions.
Life turns into a constant expectation of failure. Hence, the strongest tension, which over time often develops into anxiety disorder. But because such people have a hard time recognizing their feelings and emotions, they are often unaware of this habitual anxiety. Perfectionists are characterized by somatoform disorders, in which bodily symptoms appear (often - headaches, back pain, abdominal pain, strong muscle clamps). In this way, the unconscious is trying to draw a person's attention to the fact that it is overflowing with repressed, unlived emotions. People with excellent student syndrome are more likely to develop depression.
Such people constantly try to meet the expectations of others, so it is very difficult for them to say “no”, to defend their boundaries.
The perfectionist desperately needs understanding and support, but does not know how to get it. He is alienated not only from his own feelings, but also from the feelings of others. He unconsciously runs away from everything that can "expose" his imperfection, show his weakness.
A person suffering from the "excellent student's syndrome" experiences a severe deficit of self-worth. His self-esteem depends only on the degree of his ideality. Even the smallest flaw in clothes or makeup, completely invisible to others, will not allow a perfectionist woman to enjoy a holiday or a date, and a perfectionist man will run away from him earlier, because he did not have time to finish reading a couple of work contracts, which will take ten minutes, but this incompleteness stuck with a nail in his mind and does not allow him to relax (with women this happens no less often).
Perfectionism comes from childhood. One of the main reasons for its formation is education based on evaluation and devaluation. The parents considered their main task to motivate the child for success and achievement. Therefore, the praise was given in small portions and only in case of absolute success (to finish a quarter with excellent marks, to win a school Olympiad, to win a competition). At the same time, non-absolute achievements (for example, second or third place) were depreciated. And as for inappropriate, according to the parents, behavior, they did react with harsh punishment and prohibitions, perhaps humiliated and shamed.
In their children, parents put expectations inflated to the skies - everything that their parents demanded of them, what society dictates, what they themselves once wanted, but could not realize. The child ceases to be a child - alive, cheerful, spontaneous, but becomes a receptacle for expectations that cannot be justified. They crush and stifle, parental attitudes are introjected - they become part of the personality, and the Perfectionist's Inner Parent begins to speak in their voice.
At the same time, from childhood, a person gets used to ignoring his own feelings and desires. The connection with the Inner Child is practically lost. The perfectionist only pays attention to what is socially significant. As a result, he achieves these goals, but they do not bring the desired satisfaction. Because somewhere in the depths of his soul, he understands - this is not at all what he really wanted. Because it is impossible to feel happy if the connection with the present is lost. This connection can be restored. Not easy or fast, but worth it.
The desire to get rid of perfectionism completely is also perfectionism. Better to just want to be happier. And if you need to turn to a psychologist to solve this problem, let him be not ideal, but simply qualified and sensitive.
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