2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Emotional abuse is a method of communication that sets the sole goal of complete power and control over another person. Children in families and women are often subject to emotional abuse. At the same time, it is characteristic that in relation to a child aggression can be directed from both parents, and in relation to a woman - most often from a man. In three articles I want to talk about emotional abuse against women.
Emotional abuse is very different from physical abuse. It is almost imperceptible, like the water wears away the stone, changes the personality of the victim. The aggressor methodically and very consistently drips on the brains of his victim until he achieves what he wants - complete control and power over the woman's life. She completely loses her self-esteem, her whole world collapses into a small point of relationship with him, she must do only what he wants, in every possible way catering to him to the detriment of personal interests. Emotional violence is based on psychological manipulation of a woman, designed to completely subjugate her will.
Example. They met on a dating site. He was sweet and lovely, it was very interesting to be with him. He showed every concern for her - he was interested in what she eats, what she dresses for work, with whom he was friends, how many men she had before him. He began to meet her from work so that she would not be afraid to go home alone. Nobody bothers her? Everything seems to be wonderful, but why is it so anxious at heart? He does not really like to communicate with her friends - they are all dummies and envy her. And her relatives don't like him. What's more important? Love, of course. Over time, he strengthens his control. Gradually, she begins to dress more modestly, her social circle narrows to the narrowest - she and he. A little later, she is afraid to say something wrong, to look the other way. The head is often lowered, shoulders drooping. He is dissatisfied with something. She deletes all of her social media accounts. Her life is under total control on his part.
The run-up from the beginning of manipulation to the extreme point of beating is very short - only a few months. The whole process of such relations can be represented as a trip to the theater, in which there is only one actor - the aggressor:
1 call - a man's concern becomes annoying, he wants to know every minute where and with whom "his woman" spends time, demands to turn on the GPS in the smartphone, controls the time of arrival and departure from work, regulates her communication with friends. Some barbs appear in words, ridicule or disrespect in public places (This is important! At home he is still polite and courteous, and justifies his actions in public with his emotionality and love for her)
2 call - he isolates her from family and friends, arguing that her friends are no match for her, outbursts of jealousy and the first scandals often appear. The time of communication with relatives is also limited. The life of a woman is carefully monitored - everything is regulated: the time of work, the time of rest and sleep, the choice of leisure time (if any), the choice of meaningful purchases. Gradually, her opinion becomes absolutely insignificant and uninteresting to a man. He makes all decisions himself, without consulting her. He can lovingly call her "my little fool", "my fatty", "ugly" or something else that can be offensive or unpleasant for a woman.
3 call - the beginning of total surveillance and scenes of jealousy - with whom she was, with whom she spoke, at whom she looked "so or not." Perhaps all electronic contacts are monitored, calls are monitored, letters are read. The requirement to remove accounts from social networks. Quarrels and scandals become more frequent and intensified.
Performance - he is no longer shy in words and expressions, humiliating a woman. He does not shun the use of physical force, if he so wants. Vivid scenes of a scandal can be replaced by stormy reconciliation with obligatory (up to forced) sex and apologies, self-deprecation of a woman. The performance can be from two (or more) scenes with a short intermission, when the young lady tries to run away to her relatives, leave him or file for divorce (if it comes to marriage).
Why is it so hard to spot danger right away?
Emotional abuse, unlike physical abuse, does not have clearly visible traces of beatings. The emotional aggressor at the very beginning of the relationship uses subtle manipulations. The woman simply does not notice how she falls into the sticky web of addiction. And he brushes off his feminine intuition, which still works and gives alarming signals. Brushes off the comments of relatives and friends - they just envy her happiness! It's like in the parable of how to boil a frog - immediately throw it into boiling water, or it is better to first put it in cold water, slowly increasing the temperature.
What kind of women fall for emotional abusers?
- Very delicate, sensual persons with a good upbringing and at the same time very insecure "Turgenev girls". It is to these who are often harassed by hooligans in public transport or on the street, they make fun of them at school and at the institute, it is difficult for them to find their love. After all, I want romance and a knight on a white horse! When they feel the first invasion, they cannot be rude and give a sharp rebuff - it's just indecent, to think badly of others! And so they tensely continue the unpleasant conversation they had begun. And when the relationship has already begun, they are ashamed to break it off - after all, what will people think ??? What a shame … These "go to the theater" in full - from the first bell to the culmination of the performance.
- Women seem to be strong and domineering, often of "Balzac age". They have been waiting for love for so long and are so tired of the constant questions of their mother and girlfriends from the field of "when will you marry at last" that they fall into the pool with their heads. They miss two, sometimes three calls. Soberness comes during the performance. Usually they have enough strength to leave the relationship during this period. They are not afraid to come to a psychotherapist for help, but they are not very fond of telling their friends, relatives and friends about their experience. The picture of life must be “perfect”.
- Strong and independent women who know how not to miss the first call, in extreme cases, on the second break off any relationship with the aggressor
Yes. You rightly pointed out. Any woman can get into an unpleasant situation, regardless of status, upbringing, age. The question is how quickly she distinguishes between manipulative actions in relation to herself and how she responds to emotional abuse and attempts to violate her personal boundaries.
What to do if you yourself become a victim of an emotional aggressor:
- Pay attention to any change in your emotional state when dealing with a person you dislike.
- Remember that you do not have to communicate with someone and keep the conversation going if it is unpleasant to you. Your safety, both mental and physical, is your responsibility. There is nothing more precious in your life than yourself.
- Do not be afraid to express your refusal, to say "no" to relationships that do not suit you. You don’t owe anything to anyone except yourself and you have every right to choose with whom you communicate and with whom you don’t.
- Do not be afraid of public opinion about your relationship and about you personally. You have only one life. Remember the dictum of Omar Khayyam: Only those who are worse than us think badly of us, and those who are better than us are simply not up to us.
- Do not be afraid to ask for help from specialists.
An emotional aggressor usually plays on a woman's feelings, manipulates her. He finds the most vulnerable spot, picks up the keys to her weaknesses and then begins to consistently and methodically subjugate the woman to himself. Therefore, it is important to understand what feelings he is playing on and what technique he uses. I will write about this in the next article.
Recommended:
Victims Of Emotional Abuse (Part 2). Varieties Of Manipulations
All people lie. And yet all people manipulate each other to a greater or lesser extent to achieve their personal goals. The goals may be different, but the meaning is the same - to force the other to do what the manipulator needs to the detriment of personal interests.
Emotional Abuse Traps
Some women, after 2-3 years of marriage, realize that their relationship is painful. Some think about divorce, others do not even realize that they live under the yoke of emotional violence from a man. How does emotional abuse destroy a woman's personality and what traps does she fall into in order to preserve the relationship at all costs?
"Not Touchy Women" And "patient Men". Emotional Abuse Tolerance. Victim Selection
Kitchen. Evening. He and she are trying to make dinner. - What are you spreading your hands here like a fool! Get away! .. Bring it! … Give it! .. - Yes, now, don’t shout, don’t you see, I’m busy … Now I’ll come and do it. One gets the feeling that his words do not hurt her.
Victims Of Emotional Abuse (Part 3). Exit
She enters the office. Middle-aged woman. Outwardly attractive, but so … extinct. Eyes run, hands nervously fingering the napkin. Sometimes she looks at the door or out the window with some kind of haunted gaze. Three months ago, she found the strength to leave her husband, who accused her of not having children, while her test results are in order.
Implicit Abuse In Relationships. Part 1. Physical Abuse
I wrote an article about sex, and in it the topic of "implicit" violence, "implicit" aggression was so vividly highlighted that I decided to put it into a separate article. Here we are talking about adult male-female relationships.
