DEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP OR "LOVE TO THE DEATH"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Codependency is a psychological condition in which a person becomes emotionally dependent on another person. Most often, this “other” is an addict: a drug addict, alcoholic or gambling addict. But not always. Sometimes it can be quite an ordinary person with his usual problems and cockroaches. The only condition: he can be saved, and abandoned, and hated, and passionately love alternately or immediately. In general, not boring should be with him. A kind of "emotional roller coaster" 24 hours a day. Only after six months or more of such "skating" can it become bad … And after several years - the expression "love to the grave" ceases to be so metaphorical.

Here, the root cause is not another person with his problems, but the very personality of the codependent, who will always look for someone to take care of, to take care of and love with all-encompassing love. Love for such a codependent person is total control over the personality and life of another. You can often hear from codependents:

- We went for a walk

- We got a job

- We decided to stay at home

And this is the eternal "we", "we", "we". It is already difficult to understand where one person begins in this relationship and the other ends. How can they differ? This is reminiscent of the relationship between mother and child, when she is with him in fusion, while he is a baby and depends on her in everything: "we pee," "we pooped," "we feel bad."

Not all experts agree that codependency is a disease, but absolutely everyone believes that codependent behavior is ineffective and destructive for the codependent himself and for his loved ones. Foreign psychologists and researchers of codependent behavior Berry and Janey Winehold generally write that now the signs of codependency are observed in 93% of people due to the influence of culture, mass media, cinema and literature.

Now let's return to our Russian realities of life and see what images of true love are popular with us)

We are brought up from childhood so that “being good” is possible only if we think and care about others and not about ourselves. About myself - it's bad, ashamed, selfish! To be sacrificial, to help in the name of the Greater Good, without demanding anything in return - such a person is worthy of respect. If you are also a woman who must live according to the principle “everything is for the family”, then you have no chance at all. At least men have a loophole in the form of a life's work, where you can somehow be careful about yourself and for yourself, and a woman - the whole family rests on her. I have heard this expression very often. This is exactly how "the whole family rests on a woman." In spite of everything, she must "hold on to her man" regardless of the suffering she will have to go through in order to go through all the torment and finally find happiness. Sound familiar?

But in life, when, in theory, this climax point should have already come, after which the monster turns into a prince, and the beauty turns into a happy wife, she still does not come. In fact, the beauty already has a nervous breakdown, a depressive disorder and a couple of tumors (good if benign) or other psychosomatic diseases, and the prince also periodically becomes a monster.

Codependency in each of us, just someone more codependent, someone less. Of course, now gender roles are mixed, everyone is slowly moving away from such social dogmas, and even about healthy egoism is heard more and more often, BUT! Clients still often turn to me (for some reason, they are always women) with codependent behavior, which means that this problem is still relevant.

And now a little quick test for codependency. If you find 5 or more characteristics in yourself, do not be alarmed, you are not alone.

- Can't say no

- It is easy to defend the rights of others, but it's hard to stand up for yourself

- Feels like a victim or a puppet in the hands of circumstances, life, other people

- Does not understand where his responsibility is, and where - another

- Was brought up in a troubled family

- Blames herself for everything

- Afraid of rejection

- Believes that everything around is happening because of him

- Appreciates himself only by helping others

- Believes that he must do everything perfectly and correctly

- Afraid of failures and mistakes

- Considers his life worthless

- Often feels used up

- Has difficulty expressing anger and anger

- Constantly trying to prove to others that "good enough"

- Likes to control and feels the need for it

- Apologizes when necessary and not necessary

- It is easier to talk about others than about yourself and your problems

- Allows others to hurt themselves

- Anxious

- Avoids being aware of any thoughts and feelings

- Believes that he will not tolerate a certain behavior of another, but endures to the last, and subsequently does what, as he believed, he would never do.

- Doesn't trust his feelings

- Doesn't trust his decisions

- Doesn't trust other people (see the paragraph about "control")

- cries a lot, gets depressed, overeats, gets sick.

- Agrees to sex in order to receive support and care, and not because of sexual desire.

- too responsible

- too irresponsible

- unable to have fun and be spontaneous and lively

- is ashamed of himself, family, personal problems and problems in relationships.

Codependents unconsciously choose their problem partners, such relationships help them feel “pseudo good” and create in them the illusion of being needed and meaningful life. To get out of this vicious circle and "cure" codependency is possible only with psychotherapy.

Don't let the other consume you and don't let yourself be consumed. Take care of yourself, especially in a relationship with another.