2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I happened to participate in battles on both sides of the barricades. I can easily recall a dozen cases when I showed intolerance, aggression, and whine towards colleagues. Therefore, I will begin my recommendations on how to cope with yourself.
1. Idealization
At the stage of adaptation to a new place of work, there is a lot of anxiety and romantic love. Akin to human love, when we do not notice the shortcomings, but exalt our beloved on a pedestal. And suddenly colleagues begin to treat you aggressively. You think what is connected, it is with you, but the reasons may be different. For example: your salary is higher than that of your colleagues because you sold yourself better and the salaries are assigned chaotically in the company. The last one came - got more. You have taken the place of the collective's pet and, involuntarily, everything that you do falls under the microscope. The boss is inclined to create special conditions for newcomers - to praise too much and undeservedly in the team.
There is a myth - that everyone should treat each other well. This is something that seems self-evident. But in this myth there are two bottlenecks "should" and "good." Why on earth should you be treated well? You are not a godfather, matchmaker, brother? And what does "good" mean? Do not scold, do not demand !?
That it is necessary to clearly understand that getting into a new team, we are joining in the competition. For resources - money, attention, toilet paper, oxygen. And if you don’t take money from your colleague, then you are sure to absorb some of the oxygen. That already at an unconscious level can provoke aggressive behavior. And the battle for the on and off the air conditioner. Here's an enemy out of the blue. You are hot, but he is cold. And you need to negotiate.
2. Victim behavior
I am far from thinking that the reader, these lines are an angel. They are in heaven, and people are on earth. Therefore, the story that everyone offends me, I am poor and unhappy, I can not tell. This is one side of the coin. The other side is that I'm full of confidence what have you doneso that the neighbor would come up and decide to kick you in the kneecap, and then did it constantly with increasing pleasure. You are not a sheep, and the aggressor is not a wolf. Each of you is a person trained to defend your personal boundaries and space.
For example, someone comes in and takes a personal notebook and starts flipping through it. Your jaw dropped, your look expresses amazement, but you lack the strength to express your feelings. Tolya's mother in childhood said that it is bad to quarrel and everything should be in common, whether he is big and strong, and you are small and weak. In this seemingly innocent scene, there is a lot of violence. The aggressor found the victim and launched the first trial balloon. Further, the situation can unwind in a spiral with a greater amplitude.
The whiner, contrary to popular opinion in everyday consciousness, is not a victim at all. This is also the one manipulator and aggressor. Under the guise of offended virtue and with righteous anger on his lips, he will sit opposite you and begin to talk about how the world is unfair to him, to you, what goats and fools are around. And you are a special person who understands. I met people who, with the help of such manipulation, easily survived people from the team.
I mean that it is important to admit within yourself the possibility that aggressive behavior, deception, etc. troubles were provoked by you as well. Especially if this situation is not one-time, but permanent.
Remember, the Aggressor is primarily a Coward. He is afraid that he will be offended, so he attacks first. Inside, this is a fragile and unhappy person. Just keep it in mind, in the background. Its main motive is safety. The poor thing is very, very scary to him.
3. Psychopaths among us
If you look at the International Classification of Diseases of the 10th revision, you will see how many mentally ill people are among us. Three-five to a hundred. Often people with psychopathy are in leadership positions and are business owners. It was they in the 90s who were able to squeeze out everything that is bad.
Psychopathy - psychopathological syndrome, manifested in the form of a constellation of such traits as heartlessness towards others, reduced ability to empathize, inability to sincerely repent of harming other people, deceit, self-centeredness and superficiality of emotional reactions.
If fate has brought you to a sick person, it is useless to get angry and upset about this. It is like the manifestation of the weather - rain, wind, snow. They may not like it, but we take it for granted.
Psychopaths are excellent manipulators. A textbook example is Milady of the Three Musketeers. See how skillfully she twirled all her surroundings. Upstream and downstream. It took four men to win.
Assess your strength. Are you ready to fight the other person's painful manifestations? Listen to your intuition. If not, leave. It will be cheaper.
4. Techniques to resist manipulation
Take the initiative. Set boundaries. You have every right to tell the other person.
Say the facts that you observe: “You speak very loudly, in a raised tone. Are you angry? Let's talk in peace."
Way out of the situation: "I'm busy right now."
Pronouncing feelings: “What you say is unpleasant for me. I do not want to communicate with you in such a manner."
It should be clear to you what the interlocutor means. Clarify any confusion and bottlenecks.
The introduction of the regulations: "I have two minutes, after which I need to leave."
The formula for stopping the manipulation of social psychologist Philip Zimbardo, which should be said first to yourself for awareness, and then tell another: “I can continue to live without your love, friendship, affection, abuse, even if such an action can hurt - until you stop doing X and you don't start doing Y.
Soviet philosopher Merab Konstantinovich Mamardashvili has developed an excellent formula for what freedom is. Freedom is when the freedom of one rests against the freedom of another and has this latter as its condition.
So, if you have or an unpleasant taste appears in your mouth after communication, it was manipulation. Freedom is, first of all, freedom of choice. In most situations, it is present in our life, but in order to use it, you need to learn how to separate reality from illusion.
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