Little Mom

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The merger, like any medal, has two sides.

On the one hand, this is a completely logical and justified process when it comes to mother and baby. Physiologically, they were one whole for 9 months. Then, when the baby "comes out", the fusion continues to exist, because the child simply cannot survive without a mother. In fact, this is a great time for both. Mom looks at her baby with adoration, catches his every look, every movement, responds to his every squeak. The baby is reflected in his mother's eyes, gets to know the world, learns a lot and gains strength.

This lasts up to 3 years, when the first messengers of future separation begin to appear in the form of an angry “I myself!”, Destroying the illusion of a single whole. Then there will be many more moments when a child seeks to separate from his mother and outline his territory, and for many mothers this becomes an insurmountable barrier - they do not want to give their child to the world. This is the other side of the merger, when the bond between the mother and the child, which according to the passport has long ceased to be one, turns into shackles, fetters on the legs, depriving a person of the opportunity to move in the direction in which he himself wants.

Why are mothers in no hurry to get out of this merger and, more often than not, do not see this as a problem at all? What kind of life did these women have, what do they carry in their backpacks, why do they behave this way?

Do not rush to throw stones at them, most often these are deeply traumatized women with a very difficult childhood story.

There may be a war childhood, the loss of a father and a mother forced to become iron in order to survive and keep the children.

Or maybe too strict and demanding dad, who only knew how to demand and was generally too busy with his work.

Or a mother who can turn to her daughter just one phrase - "Whatever you do, this is not enough."

There can be a great many variations, the essence is the same - a huge deficit of love, a black hole in the region of the heart. It is not possible to plug the hole with the help of a husband, because who would agree to such a role? Then this honorable duty passes to the child.

The temptation is really great. Just imagine, a man appears who loves you, reaches out to you and cannot live a day without you - wasn't that what you dreamed about in childhood? Isn't that what that Little Girl, trapped in the dark inner closet of these women, desperately craves?

Children's drawings with their mother's image, touching rhymes for the holiday, little hands trustingly hugging the neck, legs stomping towards you, eyes full of delight … Try, refuse. The girl, locked in a closet, begins to thaw and become attached to this little creature who does not skimp on love.

But time goes by, the child grows up. He has his own friends, interests, hobbies. The girl begins to feel threatened - what if he will give them more than me? What if it will completely leave, and I will be left alone again? In order to prevent this, the Girl begins to scare the child - do not go to them, they are bad, they will deceive, so I will never wish you anything bad, sit next to me, because we are so good together!

The moment comes when the child turns into a man or a woman and it is time for him to leave the parental home to start his own family. And here the Girl, driven by fear, begins to really rebel. Everything is used - blackmail, manipulation, denigration of the chosen ones, suddenly exacerbated diseases, medicine that needs to be bought immediately or a cabinet, on the corner of which she hit, and therefore it must be urgently moved.

An “adult” child, who has already been instilled with a permanent sense of guilt, for the fact that he wants to “exchange his mother” for someone, bowing his head, goes to fulfill the whims of the parent, while his own life is lying on the sidelines and overgrown with weeds.

I put the word "adult" in quotation marks for a reason. Because the interaction in this pair is between two children - a small frightened disliked girl playing as a mother and an equally frightened, guilty kid playing the role of her child. The second role involves the desire to break out of this stifling relationship and even attempts to escape, but everything ends in return and repentance, because the feeling of guilt works flawlessly. The girl learned very well how to use it and throw it out at the right time, as a trump card.

To translate this situation into the category of healthy, it is necessary for its participants to mature. In the case of a mother, a little girl, this is hardly possible, very few mothers are capable of not realizing what, but at least doubting that they are right. Therefore, all the work to get out of this pathological merger falls on the shoulders of grown-up children.

They will have to learn to mark their boundaries, decide who to let into their territory and to what extent, show these boundaries to their mother and hold them firmly. Will mom agree with this? Practice shows that if mother is given the very love that she lacks so much, then the situation is resolved to everyone's pleasure. Give from the heart and generously, but in your free time. And you can learn this too!