Politeness And Directness In Relationships

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Politeness and directness in relationships

Once I was told a story: there were two lovers. Everything went well with them and it was good. Or maybe it just seemed to them? One way or another, they got married, and a daughter was soon born. Life was measured, and nothing foreshadowed trouble. And 15 years later, one weekday morning, the wife approached her husband and said the following: "I am leaving because I fell in love with another."

To love is to wait?

I heard this story from a friend of mine. He could not understand why it happened, and whether there really was nothing to be done but to part - after all, he was making plans for his old age, which he would meet with his already ex-wife …

And then I thought about the breakup and its reasons. When you love a person and the relationship is fresh, then you can not only fail to see the flaws or features of your partner. One can see and think that “it will not always be this way”, or “he will guess”, but “she will understand”. And we start to wait. This may not happen immediately. When falling in love is strong, we do not think too much about what does not suit us and about the possible consequences. But, just as ignorance of the law does not absolve one from responsibility, so the lack of awareness of the importance of our needs in partnerships does not cancel the feeling of bitterness from unjustified expectations.

This is partly the answer to the question "Where does love go?" This does not happen overnight. It has already been proven that small unpleasant, but often repetitive events cause hundreds of times more harm than those emotional traumas that we then remember all our lives and define for ourselves as the most difficult. In this case, it is true that life consists of little things.

What's coming out?

If we invest our energy not in actively strengthening and building love - that is, not in concrete actions, but EXCLUSIVELY in tacit expectations, which the partner still does not justify in any way - a big and bright feeling goes to a secondary plan. And then it is completely exhausted.

If you don’t guess … I’ll tell you!

How can you avoid this?

First, you will have to honestly answer yourself the question: am I telling my partner about my needs and desires? More than once I have heard the assertion of women (especially of the Soviet generation) about the fact that in order to maintain a relationship, "you have to endure and keep silent." Patience - a very good quality, which becomes completely irrelevant in the case when we endure and wait, without voicing what exactly. I call this phenomenon the "miracle of telepathy." It is characteristic of our latitudes and is expressed in the phrases: "He is an intelligent person and must understand that …", "I show her / him with my whole appearance that …", etc. We expect that the person to whom this is addressed will guess myself. It's so obvious to us! When we are anxious and attentive to each other, we can often really predict the desires of our half and implement them. And at the same time, even with such closeness, the partner may not always read your indirect messages, or interpret them in his own way. As a result, you did something and made an effort, and the result came out zero, or not the one you would like. If reading these lines, you recognized yourself - do not despair. Learn the rules of communication!

Hence -

rule number 1: start talking to your partner about your expectations, desires, aspirations. Believe me, if served correctly, you will be pleasantly surprised by the result!

I will illustrate the next aspect of healthy communication in relationships with an example: Imagine that you really want your partner to help more around the house. You say: “I’m so tired - I was cleaning the whole day today”, or: “But Seryozha helps Lenka around the house!”. In the first case, your man may, in principle, not guess about anything except to regret you, in the second, he will generally hear a reproach.

It turns out that in addition to the fact that it is important to talk about one's desires, it must be done honestly and openly, if possible without sarcastic remarks, hints and sarcasm.

Therefore, in the event of a complaint from partners that "I tell him / her, but he / she still does not do it!" - it is important to answer the question: What exactly am I saying?

So -

Rule # 2: Be direct and open about your needs / expectations / wishes

Well, if it has accumulated….

When the tension from expectations has managed to accumulate in the relationship, excessive demanding becomes a common mistake, when we nevertheless begin to declare our needs. And so, without noticing it ourselves, we no longer ask, but practically order: "Do it!" (preferably immediately), "Take away!", "Wash!" etc. This tactic won't last long if you still want to build a healthy partnership, and discontent will still remain.

Therefore, in this case, use

rule number 3: talk about your feelings and make the request again: "I miss you. I really want to spend more time with you (for example, at least two days a week). Will you give it to me? " Thus, you get the opportunity to get a specific answer to a specific question. Do not forget to ask what your partner needs to fulfill your request.

If the amount of accumulated unjustified expectations and grievances no longer allows you to breathe, but you still want to try to maintain a partnership and understand yourself, feel free to contact a psychotherapist. And if you do decide to leave …

Returning to the topic of parting

I will say that if you nevertheless decided to leave the relationship, then apart from the question "Did I ask / did I ask for something that my partner did not give me?" it is also worth asking the question: "Can he / she give me what I want?" The most honest answer will be useful for making a final decision.

It happens that relationships become "a suitcase without a handle" - we support them, because they have been going on for a long time, we have given a lot of energy to expectations that have not been met, and we are simply scared. It’s scary that it’s not clear how to live, if we part, it’s scary that we’ll be lonely, and it’s a nightmare - that the partner could still give you what he wanted all these years, but it’s not you who will give it - you’re leaving him.

If you made sure that you directly voiced your wishes, ask your partner a question: what exactly does he or she need in order for this desire to be satisfied? In this case, you can:

1. Get what you want.

2. Start negotiations on a topic that is important to you.

3. Realize that in order to get what you want, it is still worth considering the option of parting.

If you still have doubts, do not hesitate to contact the specialists.

Why is it so important to speak?

If your partnership did not work out, and you went through a breakup, then it is important to know that the collapse of the relationship, one way or another, depended not only on you. The death of one relationship is not a verdict of incompetence in building a partnership. Too often, one of the members of the union takes on too much responsibility for what, in fact, both are responsible. Partnership is called this way because the relationship in it is built on parity (English part - part) - i.e. responsibility is harmoniously distributed depending on the situation. And since people are parting, then both had a hand in this.

The ability to talk about what you expect from a loved one, discussion and joint construction of plans for the future, taking into account the interests of both parties, as well as a sober assessment of the pros and cons are the basis of a harmonious partnership.

And finally …

Our well-being depends to a very large extent on ourselves. We grow up, grow wiser, change. We learn to love, breathe deeply, live. This development process is endless and it's never too late to start!

Love and inspiration in partnership!