50 Shades Of Shame

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

- What a well-mannered child! What pedagogical methods do you use? - O! The most effective: blackmail, bribery, threats …

When a baby is born, most often they smile at him, show that they love and rejoice in any of his manifestations. The pampers got dirty - “the tummy works well”, burped out - “the air is gone, great,” and so on. Then there comes a period when the parents decide that it is time for the child to learn to control himself and his actions, and begin to teach the baby to cleanliness. "Eat cleanly, do not get dirty in the sandbox, go to the toilet to the potty and according to the schedule." And the child resists! Why is it no longer possible to write on the carpet today, although yesterday it was possible? To beat small and not very young children is not pedagogical, they themselves do not yet understand how wonderful it is to be an adult and independently control their actions and their lives, on the parental example, learning does not happen as quickly as we would like … Therefore, the phrase "ah-ah-ay shame on you, fuu "at this age is often used. To freeze is an effective method of education, from the point of view of most members of modern society.

In psychoanalysis, the age period from 1 to 3 years is called the "anal phase", this is the time of potty training. It is believed that at this age the foundations of self-esteem are formed (if the child fulfills the requirements of the family and society) and a sense of shame arises (if the child does not manage to conform to the generally accepted model). “Mom and Dad (“good”and“right”people) do not do that, and since you do it differently, then you are not like us! And you should be ashamed."

Do you think a cub can survive without a flock? Hardly. That is why shame so influences the psyche and behavior and with its help you can influence children and manipulate adults. Belonging to a clan, family, group is very important for survival. The love of parents is necessary for the development and formation of a good self-image in a child, for self-determination in a teenager, and acceptance in society is necessary for an adult for self-esteem and achievement of goals.

What is the experience of shame? Many people vaguely distinguish between two important regulatory and painful feelings - guilt and shame. However, these important differences do exist. The feeling of guilt is primarily associated with a relationship with the Other and means causing some kind of harm to another person. Such an act can be redeemed or compensated. Shame is associated with self-attitude, with an inner feeling of inadequacy, worthlessness, bad or defectiveness. Often these experiences are also associated with someone's observing gaze, with a kind of imaginary "witness to shame." "Publicly screwing up is hell!" Says Nikolai, a young man of a narcissistic character, a CFO in a large corporation. "I always look perfect and I can't make a single mistake at work." Nikolai complains of a feeling of chronic emptiness and anxiety, coupled with the inability to relax either on weekends, or "under vodka," or with women. The feeling of joy in life has not visited him for a long time, unlike regular migraine attacks.

Shame is a very important and useful feeling that serves as a mechanism for regulating behavior and helps to adapt to the rules of society and become a part of it. If a child is broadcast: “We love you, you are a member of our family, be like us”, then it is easy for a child to feel like a good, accepted and important member of this family. And in the future it will be just as easy to accept your otherness / dissimilarity. Then it becomes possible to join someone or identify with someone, or have your own characteristics, allow yourself to be different, have your own opinion that does not coincide with the opinion of others. This is how the psyche develops and matures. It becomes possible to be interested in new things, to enjoy their own, separate from their parents, and later from friends, hobbies. To feel good, you do not have to be "like everyone else", "not worse" or even necessarily "better than others." Shame in its healthy function does not dictate, but only directs and allows you to look closely and listen. You can't put your feet on the table, well-mannered people don't do that, but when no one sees, or in a very friendly company, sometimes you can. And running without clothes in the city center is not possible at all, and I myself choose to agree with this.

"Be like us / do as required, otherwise you are uncomfortable for us and we will not love you." Do you feel the difference? "If you show your desires and character, you will not see love." These kinds of messages create toxic shame. Shame that prevents you from noticing your needs and desires, differences and aspirations, which, for the most part, are now branded as bad and unacceptable. Such shame can no longer be called "healthy", it changes a person's life and not for the better. A psyche “flooded” with this kind of shame does not follow the logic of its own individual development, but instead works to meet parental / social requirements, standards and expectations, thereby escaping the feeling of its own badness, worthlessness and “defectiveness”. Toxic shame makes you feel helpless and lonely. It is intolerable, therefore it hides deep in the unconscious and is protected from awareness by means of the protective mechanisms of the psyche (which we wrote about in previous articles). A person is ready for anything, so long as such experiences do not "surface" again.

Filmmaker Ingmar Bergman was supposed to wear red clothes all day as a child, if he wet himself, so that everyone would pay attention to him, and he was ashamed. And this is not the only example of his being so severely shamed. The boy grew up, and he was sent to a boarding school for mentally retarded children for re-education, as he was cocky, harsh and rude with his parents. Shame filled him, but it hurt too much to admit it. the child's psyche did not have enough resources and support. Shame affects identity, self-image, sense of "what I am". Feeling like an outcast, “wrong”, “not like that” and being left alone and isolated is unbearable. Getting angry and protesting was no less dangerous, but still easier. However, Ingmar changed his behavior. His mother wrote in her diary that “the boy became taciturn, became very haggard, often withdraws into his thoughts, but it became easier to talk to him and I conclude that the boarding school did him good.” He complied, but the theme of experiencing shame and inadequacy becomes the basis for all of his work.

Shame is a feeling that alienates a person from his environment. “I am not worthy to be in the same pond with these noble birds,” the ugly duckling thought.”“I am bad, so dad left us, and mom can hardly tolerate me, constantly shouting at me,”the child often thinks after the parents divorced. And at first he withdraws into himself, begins to skip school, and then runs away from home altogether.

It is easier for men in our society to be angry and screaming about anything than to reveal their true feelings. Feelings are "woman's weaknesses", it's a shame. Better then to be angry, but strong.

Often, the basis of aggressive behavior in adolescents is precisely shame - it is easier for a teenager to wear a daring image of an informal than to experience acne and angularity, with which he does not look so much like a hero from a movie or a magazine. And how else can you earn the very valuable authority at this age from the guys from the class / company / yard?

In families where the parent drinks, the child is ashamed of his family. He prefers to run away into the street and stay there until late, tries to spend the night with friends. He is insolent to his sister, who says: "It's not a shame, the mother is worried, you are a disgrace to your family, you run like a street child …". It is also easier for her to shame her brother than to feel ashamed for her father herself, and it is easier for a boy to be rude, run away, get angry than “drown” in shame for his family.

If a person has a desire or aspiration, then it produces energetic excitement, which can be blocked due to shame. This is expressed in the anxiety of not matching oneself to a certain image. “I want something wrong, so I am wrong. Then my relatives will not love me and society will not accept”. And you can't want to, otherwise a catastrophe will happen. Igor has long dreamed of the position of the head of the department. But every time there is a real opportunity to write a project and put forward his candidacy, he finds many reasons not to do so. Either the salary is not much higher, but the work will increase significantly, then there are changes in the composition of the department, and the team with which to work is unknown. Igor's family is guided by the rule: “Never ask for anything. If you are worthy, they themselves will come up and offer you. To offer yourself to the position of a boss means to sink in your own eyes to the level of a beggar. This is embarrassing and unacceptable. The family will not approve, the desire must disappear. However, the true desire does not disappear, the blocked excitement is reflected in the state of the body, and Igor suffers from another attack of sciatica.

Shame is laid at an age when there is still no internal filter for the words of loved ones, and all the words of mom-dad are perceived as truth. This feeling is too close to the core of the personality and affects the person's identity. Therefore, experiencing shame is too painful, and it is so difficult to admit it, even to yourself.

Shame is experienced as loneliness, but there is always one inside who shames, whose voice says: "You are not what I want to see you, you do not correspond, I do not accept you that way." People who, in the process of working with their experiences, begin to recognize that the experience of shame is present in many situations, say that they are often accompanied by the feeling that someone is spying on them, as if they feel someone's gaze on them. Imagine a situation common in childhood: a child plays with his genitals. He doesn't do anything bad, it's just interesting to consider them, touch them, and there is a desire to learn something new about himself and his body. Grandma comes in and says: "Shame on you, stop now, what you are doing is disgusting!" - and leaves. I felt good, this is my grandmother's shame, but she leaves and leaves it to me, so as an adult I don't remember my grandmother, but the shame remained. It was in the days of distant childhood, a specific episode and the figure of the shaming person have long been forgotten, but the very shame and the feeling that your body is "dirty", that they are looking at you - remains, and this look does not approve and support, but criticizes. What do you think, under this feeling of someone else's shameful glance, you can enjoy the moment of intimacy? What about finding words when answering at the blackboard? And to make the right decision for yourself in some matter? Most probably not.

It is important to note that shame is only formed in the presence of someone. If the grandmother had not once seen that the child was masturbating and had not said that it was a shame, she would not be ashamed of it. The grandmother did not want to offend, she wanted to protect him from trouble. It was her shame, not the shame of a small child. As she was brought up, so she tried to educate her children and grandchildren. Once formed in a dialogue with the Other, shame then works as a part of the internal structure, internal dialogue with oneself, disrupting positive self-attitude and healthy self-esteem. The past cannot be changed, but we can understand what from this past prevents us from being happy now and applying this knowledge in the present.

In the psyche, nothing "just like that" disappears, and shame becomes part of the unconscious center of self-regulation, which Freud called the Super-Ego. Then its healthy function is to help to assimilate and implement the rules and norms of the society in which a person lives. Or it can turn into toxic shame. In this case, you need to make an effort to help yourself get rid of the obsessive sense of wrong and inadequacy.

Dealing with this toxic shame requires the presence of another person who is approving and supportive. This can be a friend, spouse, and, if necessary, professional support, a psychologist. In a dialogue on such a topic, embarrassment, confusion, and shyness may appear. These are relatives of shame, but they are not toxic, and next to them you can feel the energy of your desire, allow it to turn into intention, and then discharge in action and enjoy the result.

Think about how you are acting to maintain your "status quo", and how else you can act differently to maintain a good image of yourself, as well as what external and internal requirements and attitudes affect this. If, in situations of shame, you usually withdraw into yourself or "attack" the interlocutor, try to admit that this situation is uncomfortable and confusing. And continue to look for common ground to maintain a constructive dialogue.

In order for a person to accept himself as he is, without masks and tinsel, it is important for someone very close to say: “Today you described yourself / got a bad rating / screwed up the project. It's not a shame to be wrong, it's okay. I believe in you. You can fix everything further. And it is important to learn in the future to say the same to yourself.

Winston Churchill said that success comes to someone who gets up at least once more often than falls. And it's hard to disagree with this.