Passive Aggression, Or Delicate Sundew Flower

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Probably, few things scare and fascinate in the same way as passive aggression. This is an amazing thing: its bearer seems to be a harmless creature. Maybe vulnerable and slightly awkward, but he is so ashamed of it, so ashamed! However, a delicate flower can do harm as much as open aggressors never dreamed of. Because you can interact with open aggression, but you still need to discern the passive one. In fact, not being able to defend their boundaries or express anger directly, a person demonstrates his disagreement through sabotage, "accidental" saying nasty things, forgetfulness and other unpleasant ways

To figure out a passive-aggressive personality, you need to listen to yourself.

If, after communicating with a certain person, you regularly experience:

a) anger turning into quiet fury, b) at the same time - a terrible feeling of guilt (what you are, it turns out, a terrible, intolerant, irritable person) - most likely, you are dealing with passive aggression from your interlocutor.

Don't reproach yourself unnecessarily. Your anger does not mean that you are a cynic and an aggressor. And passive-aggressive people are not so weak. An approximate classification of passive-aggressive types, which does not pretend to be scientific in any way. But with examples.

Hypersensitive, he's touchy. There are simply sensitive people - they differ from passive aggressors in that they can say directly about their offense: “Listen, these words hurt me” or “Let's not, I don’t like this topic”. Don't expect this from a passive-aggressive personality. You will simply carry on a conversation, thinking that everything is in order - and suddenly you notice a trembling lower lip, eyes in a wet place, or a tragic look into nowhere. To your frightened question: "What happened, what did I say wrong?" - the interlocutor will deny, causing you even more panic and guilt. It is believed that this technique is popular among girls: “No, no, darling, everything is in order, continue. No, what are you, nothing happened”(expressive sob). In fact, the game "Guess what you are guilty of" is played brilliantly by people of any gender and age. She is loved by manipulative mothers and grandmothers. Severe men are also not far behind: try to get such a partner, what is the problem. “I said it's okay! Don't ask me anything! I want and be silent for half a day."

Bottom line: you are punished for some unknown reason. Bad idea: take offense in return. Shout. Make excuses. Beg to explain to you what happened after all.

It's a good idea to say, "Well, since it's really okay, great." And continue the conversation / go about your business - according to the circumstances.

Clarification: You should not be responsible for the internal battles that seem to be playing out in the interlocutor's head.

If at the moment he cannot calmly explain what he is offended, you do not have to get to the bottom of the truth. Don't do that, I can't stand it! This variant of passive aggression is more commonly used in close relationships. You are to blame for some completely natural aspirations, from which you cannot get rid of, well, in any way, except that you die.

For example, you might want to be alone sometimes, minding your own business. Or - oh horror! - cry. Or be in a bad mood for a while. But you can't! Your partner or relative can't stand it. He either tries his best to cheer / calm / comfort you - even if you explained that it’s not him, it’s just a bastard at work, and you need an hour or two to come to your senses. He will follow you on your heels, look into your eyes, apologize. Ask if he, for an hour, is to blame? Exactly exactly? - until you finally explode and scream to be left alone. And then you will be to blame. He wanted the best! And you don't have a heart…or will start attacking you for your bad mood. It sounds absurd: you already feel bad, and you are also scolded for it, but it happens not so rarely. Tears are attempts to manipulate your partner (even if you are locked in the kitchen and quietly crying into your fist / shedding a mean male tear). He (a) knows what you are doing there! You are deliberately getting on your nerves. Bad mood - there too. Everything is always wrong for you!

We are not talking about a situation where you find fault with something in irritation - there your partner has real reasons to be dissatisfied with you. And in here you cannot even just feel what you are feeling. You are not allowed. This causes an instant reaction from the partner, and from this reaction everyone becomes much worse. Better to pretend that you don't feel anything at all.

Bottom line: it's good if you're not crazy yet. Good, but strange - that's how they get off of it.

Bad idea: keep up the good work.

It's a good idea: you can cry, be alone from time to time, take an interest in your interests, and do other things that are necessary for life. If it gets in the way of your partner … Well, this is a serious reason to think about the relationship.

Explanation: This is a psychologically dangerous situation. Get out of it as soon as possible.

"Oh, I forgot!" - saboteur … At first glance, an almost innocent way to shove off an unpleasant job or "punish" others for something. Awkwardness, forgetfulness, sweet absent-mindedness. Oh, I forgot! An open personal diary with the hard-hitting truth written in it - right on the table. A folder with important documents. Time of the appointment. Or that there are always traffic jams on this highway - even if I drive it three times a week. Well, I was hoping it would work out somehow! You can not forget, but do it - but it is so bad that you have to redo it. You look, they won't ask you next time. Works very well with household chores. Wipe the dust so that it flies around the house. Wash the dishes to leave something dry. On the claim to make offended eyes: I tried! The third time, the partner will sigh and take up the cleaning himself. Motor awkwardness is another good way to express aggression without expressing it. I knew a very awkward girl. On her acquaintances (though not on all, only on the "chosen ones") hot tea was constantly spilled, mayonnaise salad was poured and objects, rather heavy, were dropped. Of course, they forgave her everything: the person has poor coordination! She apologized, she is so uncomfortable!..

I also adhered to this version, until I went to the gym with her a couple of times and was surprised to find that she had coordination - God forbid everyone. But the tea continued to flow. You can also accidentally convey to the interlocutor someone's unflattering words about him. Then grieve for a long time - what a scoundrel! How could he say that about you! Bottom line: a failed business meeting, wasted time, damaged jeans and mood. And so every time. Bad idea: to endure when everything inside is already shrinking from irritation. It's a good idea to communicate that you are unpleasant or let down. Ask for compensation. Explanation: You are being bullied, albeit not directly. This is the whole snag, which is not direct: as already mentioned above, one can at least somehow interact with direct aggression, but the suppressed aggressor will never recognize. Moreover, it will make you feel guilty.

The eternal solver of eternal problems. Are you going on vacation? Yes, it's good for you. And here the landlady has raised the payment again, I will probably have to move out soon. Where to? I can not even imagine. I don't sleep at night. I'm thinking of taking a part-time job. Three more credits hang on me. Which? Well, on clothes, on your phone and on your car. Listen, where can I do without them, I work with people, I can't go to meetings with an old phone and rags! Or come by metro like a beggar. Girls do not like, and that he himself has already thrown the third - well, listen, she was such a hysterical woman, how to live with such a person. But others don't like it! Those that are needed. Or overweight. Consuming the fifth pie, the sufferer reproaches you, how easy it is for you, with such genes. And he has heredity!

Bottom line: even five minutes of such a dialogue (more often a monologue) does not pass, and you are already embarrassed for being so prosperous or prosperous. Create an offensive background. You are not fat, and your husband loves you. Good for you! And people are just as tormented.

Bad idea: point out obvious contradictions more than once (debts and new loans. Overweight and the fifth pie). To actively participate in solving problems - you will drown.

Good idea: change the subject. True, this is almost impracticable. Explanation: undoubtedly, friends and friends to support. But such a person has endless problems. And always about the same, over the years. Because the solver doesn't want to solve them. He suffers and is absorbed in the process. Better not to disturb him. Martyr Almost clinical variant, pure passive aggression. All around are evil. Abusive parents. Ungrateful children. The boss is a psychopath. The terrible diseases, calamities and executions of the Egyptians. The world is evil, cruel and dangerous. And your interlocutor is an all-forgiving, delicate flower, it is incomprehensible as a survivor in this dark kingdom without a single ray.

Bottom line: maybe you will become a ray of light for a while. But better not. This is the worst thing that can happen.

Bad idea: trying to patronize and protect.

Good idea: run. Explanation: a delicate flower is called a sundew, and under the mask of a sufferer he has a sea of suppressed aggression. If you stay, you will see her again.