How To Properly Respond To Passive Aggression? How To Deal With Passive-aggressive People?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-18 02:26

Each of us has met with people showing passive aggression. You clearly see that the person is angry, but he denies it in every possible way ("No, no, what are you ?! I'm in a great mood, I'm glad!"). This behavior is always confusing. What to do and how to respond to passive aggression?

Before reacting to another person's passive aggression, you need to remember two main reasons for this behavior.

1. A person is really afraid to show active aggression (in return I will also get bad things, they will devalue me, rejected, deprived of love, they will play "in silence", etc.)
2. A person does not understand his feelings - he was not taught to perceive and distinguish them, he was not taught sensitivity to his own level of aggression, irritation, and discontent. Passive aggressors most often fall into affects (angry or violent attacks). Why is this happening? Due to the fact that they did not have time to track when they were irritated or dissatisfied.

Accordingly, understand for yourself - if a person has a low sensitivity to his feelings (relatively speaking - “I have a low sensitivity of my hand, and when someone touches me, I don’t feel it”), his first reaction is denial. If you go straight ahead against passive aggression, the passive aggressor will always deny the manifestation of aggression on his part, moreover, he can make excuses and defend himself, “go into deep defense” (stop any communication, play “in silence”, etc.) …

Remember - you must be ready to go into direct dialogue yourself, into direct confrontation. If a person opens up and decides to go forward, you need to be ready to share your feelings, especially those as important and difficult as anger, guilt, or shame. Fear belongs here too, but it's easier to share with it. Not ready to be frank, a little vulnerable - you may not even start trying to unfold the aggression of a passive aggressor.

If the passive aggressor is not close to you, you will not communicate often, you should not try to use the 6 steps below that will help turn passive aggression into active one. It's easier to just take a step back (“I thought you were angry, let's not continue the conversation!”), But it's important to set boundaries here. If you see that a loved one attacks you (for example, a grandmother or mother tells you how to raise your child), stop him strictly, not allowing him to interfere in your life (“Mom, this is my child, I am doing it myself, let me do my mistakes, live my life. I need to live the way I want it! ). It is up to you to unleash your mother's passive aggression or not, but if you are not ready for this, it is better not to start (“It seems to me that you are angry with me!” - “No, no!”, And the person went into defense), take a step back and forget.

An important point - do not fall out into a childish position, remain an adult, in an emotionally uncharged position, do not get involved in the game of anger, its promotion. The passive aggressor provokes you, you intensify emotions, in response he spins everything even more - sometimes it comes to scandals and fights.

How not to react to strangers? You need to remember that their aggression is often not directed at you personally. This is aggression accumulated over the years against mom, dad, grandmother, grandfather, girlfriends, friends, cashiers, the government, etc. You can add anything you want to this list - bosses, the situation at work and in the country, quarantine, coronavirus, etc. Everything connected with the tension of this person accumulates slowly, and then begins to "fall out", and if you turn on, the person spills out everything (however, he does not feel joy for his actions, because he suffers most of the time). Remember - you are not bullied, the person suffers and tries to somehow allow his aggression to break through. Do not turn on if you do not need nervous shocks.

So, how to help a loved one turn passive aggression into active one, switch to a confidential dialogue (especially if it is your partner, life partner / companion, parents or children, girlfriends or friends, colleagues)?

1. It is important to be aware of the situation. Study passive aggression, figure out in what signs it appears, in what situations and when. Armed with this knowledge, look closely and analyze. This is the first step towards ensuring that at least one in a pair understands where passive aggression is manifested. And instead of getting angry and provoking yourself ("Aaaa … Passive aggression! I got you through!"), You need to include a reaction of understanding. Ask yourself questions (Why does your companion / mom / dad / child behave this way? Why did you answer that way? What in your behavior or in your relationship hooked the person? Why can't he tell you what exactly he doesn't like?), And then sit down and write a list of options for what it might be.
2. Share your feelings, thoughts, why the person behaves this way. Communication should be neutral - talk in a soft tone, as if you are talking with a child, because at this moment the partner is quite vulnerable (“You were offended by me for asking you to be removed, but you didn’t want to?”, “You were offended at me for, what am I asking you about? Do you have any difficulties and worries now? Do I want too much from you in everyday life? " is this how you start expressing your displeasure?”). Be sure to speak in a soft, calm tone and be prepared that the person will begin to deny, it is important for you to maintain a neutral position, you do not need to prove anything (this will not work the first time, you will have to work out the technique for a long time and painstakingly - water wears away the stone).
3. Do not go to direct confrontation, do not hammer the person into a corner even more, retreat in time and give the interlocutor time to think about everything. Continue to maintain a little dialogue with your partner, but learn to feel when a person goes into a dull defense, closes - then apologize to the person (if you see that something has hurt the interlocutor, and the reaction is already excessive). Apologizing will not make you worse, and nothing will happen to you (“Sorry, I noticed that I hurt your feelings, I didn't mean to offend you. Maybe it really seemed to me”). However, your seed of doubt (no anger and aggression) has already been sown and will certainly germinate. Stepping back and realizing the situation when the partner is showing passive-aggressive behavior is quite difficult, and you need to work with this.
4. Take the initiative and don't stop. If you took a couple of steps, sorted out several situations, but the person does not understand anything, is aggressive and does not admit his feelings, do not stop and keep moving on! Noticed something - say right away, discuss without an accusatory tone (do not drive the person into a corner, forcing him to go into a deep defense, because in this case, all further attempts of direct dialogue will cause reciprocal resistance, even more indignation - “Well, why are you sticking to me ?! ").

Be patient, persistent, and try to draw parallels between situations. For example, a similar situation has already happened, and the person behaves in the same way: “What do you want to tell me by this? Why are you displeased? It seems to me that you are not happy because I didn’t hear you, didn’t support you, and was not attentive to you”. Your task is to let your partner know that you are ready for an open dialogue and that you are not vulnerable enough to be broken (or broken in your relationship). You are in a strong position, but at the same time persistently make it clear to your partner that this style of behavior upsets you, you would like to change everything, improve your relationship and are ready to discuss the problem.

It will never be easy in the zone of passive aggression! It will only be easy when your partner understands the situation.

Go to a meeting with your partner. Passive-aggressive behavior is often associated with the fact that the partner often avoids the manifestation of feelings and unpleasant situations. Your task is to show him that your relationship is a safe zone, the place where the person will be understood, not condemned, and ready to support in everything, and not resort to tricks. If you react calmly to everything, there is no point in using relationship tricks. Make it clear to the person that you are more frustrated with avoiding conflict than the conflict itself. On a personal example, I can say that direct conflict strengthens relationships than avoiding it; you begin to understand the person more than the one who withdraws into himself; and it's morally easier when there are no games, no one is hiding. However, there are couples for whom games are more important than direct relationships, and here you need to figure out why this is happening.

If trusting relationships are important to you, then learn to be resilient in conflict.

Lead by example and set boundaries. If you sometimes notice that you tend to remain silent in some situations, swallow the resentment, endure, and then express everything to the cashier in the store (use displaced aggression), “catch” such moments and learn to “straighten” your aggression. Say right away - “I don't like this! Your version doesn't make me happy! Let's think about why this is so. " In this way, you show your partner that this is okay to behave, and this behavior is normal. If you can, then he can also - you have equal relations (we all always strive to be equal personalities in relationships and communication). Do what your partner is afraid to allow - express your opinion, show anger (the sooner you show it, the stronger the relationship will be). Speak directly and your partner will eventually learn to speak directly.

Remember, this is a long job, give yourself and your partner time for all the seeds to sprout, and be sure to learn to remain in an adult position, no matter how you are invited into an angry dialogue.