HUSBAND CHANGED, LOVER IS PREGNANT

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The mistress is pregnant- This story and dilemma is as old as the world. I am often asked: "What do professional family psychologists pay attention to when analyzing such situations?" I answer: For the wife to make a final decision, the following information usually matters:

17 significant circumstances for a wife to make a decision, if the husband has changed, the mistress is pregnant or there is already a born child:

1. Degree of material (housing, financial, etc.) dependence of the wife on her husband. If the wife is dependent, it is better to accept the betrayal, if independent, the woman may not accept the role of the second unloved wife.

2. The presence in the family of small children under 7 years oldtons, as well as the general health of children. If the children are critically small or in need of treatment, it is better to have a husband nearby, even a cheating one. If the children are adults and healthy, a woman's self-esteem can be stronger.

3. Confidence of the wife in herself; in the fact that she will be able to press further and without this husband (this may not be connected either with the woman's appearance, or with her work experience, or with her income). Insecure women who do not like to work or have doubts about their success in their careers or in new relationships tend to stay married when their husbands are unfaithful. Self-confident people tend to move on in life, throwing off a burdensome burden.

4. The degree of guilt of the wife herself in her husband's betrayal. If a woman herself for years shied away from sex or from having children, her husband's infidelity is also her fault. It is more correct for such women to accept the betrayal of their husbands. If a woman was always sexually active and gave birth to children for her husband, her husband's betrayal is a real offensive betrayal.

5 family history and husband's reputation … Those. how correctly he behaved in the family and life up to this point in time. If in the family history the husband drank, beat, lost money, parasitized and was already caught cheating in the past, it makes sense to think about divorce. If his betrayal is nonsense and dissonant, it makes sense to think about forgiveness.

6. The paternal qualities of a man in relation to his own children. Good fathers should not be abandoned; keeping bad fathers is little point.

7. The volume of material costs of a man for his mistress. If a man bought his mistress an apartment, cars, drove her to resorts (etc.) - this is not just treason, it is theft from the family, robbing his own children. Especially if your own family is clearly not chic. Not all women can forgive this.

8 duration of extramarital affairs … It is clear: if a man has been dating his mistress for many years, then it is no longer so much about treason, but about a secret civil marriage, in fact, about a second family. The chances of terminating such a crane connection are slim. If the story lasted weeks or months, the man is quite able to end the relationship and it makes sense for the wife to believe in it.

9. Timeliness and circumstances of informing the wife about the presence of a pregnant / giving birth mistress. If a confused man himself told his wife about the betrayal and pregnancy of his mistress, it makes sense to forgive him. If everyone around already knew about it and the wife was the last to know, plus it was herself - the psychological blow, usually, is so heavy that women are going to divorce.

10 repentance / lack of repentance on the part of a man … If a man admits his guilt and asks to give him a chance, it is more correct to give such a chance. If the cheating husband is trying to put pressure on his wife according to the scheme "the beaten unbeaten is lucky", it is better to part with him.

11. Willingness to quickly and completely sever personal ties with his mistress. If, after the wife found out everything (the mistress is pregnant), the unfaithful husband immediately breaks off the connection with his mistress and stops personal communication with her, the family has prospects. If he refuses to do this or asks for months "to think", it is more correct to leave him with another woman.

12. Willingness to return the financial assets removed from the family in favor of the mistress back to the family. If a man is ready to return to the family apartments and cars (garages, summer cottages, land, business, money, loans, etc.) that were given to his mistress, this is good. If not, that's bad.

13. Willingness to put under complete control of the wife of his communication with the illegitimate child and its financing. If a man promises that his wife will clearly know how much the man pays alimony to the illegitimate child, how often and when he meets and communicates with him, the man can be forgiven. If a man stubbornly believes that all his communication with his mistress and illegitimate child is “only his own business,” practice shows that it is better to part with him on time.

14. A man's willingness not only to stay in the family, but also to make efforts to normalize relations with his wife. If the husband tries, that's good. If you behave from the position of "return me yourself" - this is bad.

15. The accuracy of the man's fulfillment of his obligations to break the connection with his mistress. Lack of new deceptions. If the husband promises his wife to stop communicating with his mistress, and he himself is caught secretly meeting with her and helping her financially, it is better to let him build his happiness outside the family. Moreover, everything is worse if, being forgiven by his wife, a man begins some other relationship on the side, with another woman. And the problem cannot be solved, and the new leftist relationship can lead to the same problem - the lover is pregnant.

16. A wife's own reputation. It often happens that the wife who found out about her husband's infidelity herself once had a lover and was forgiven by her husband. Or the husband never found out about it. Or the wife has a lover at the present time. Or in general, she herself gave birth to a child in marriage with her existing husband from another man. It is clear that having their own "stigma in the gun", women are inclined to forgive her husband's betrayal. Wives with clean reputations tend to be tougher.

17. Willingness of the wife herself to forgive her husband, preserve the marriage and (if necessary) improve her own family behavior … There are women who, even with the correct behavior of their husband, after revealing his infidelity, will torment him and themselves with scandals and stinging jokes. Knowing this trait of your personality, it is better to peacefully and honestly part with your husband, without torturing him, yourself, or your children. This is more useful for future communication about children. If the wife is quite reasonable and agreeable, and the husband wants to stay in the family, it is better to save the marriage.

Information on these items can even be entered into a table. Where can I put plus signs / + in the columns “for keeping the marriage” or “for divorce”.

At the same time, some clear parameter like “ some number + for divorce = divorce , does not exist. Everything is very individual for every woman, everything is weighed and analyzed by a psychologist already at the consultation. For me personally, as a practice, the following five points are very important:

If for all of them the result is negative: “I did not invest money in my mistress”, “the relationship is less than a year”, “immediately after revealing the connection, he told his wife that he would stop communicating with his mistress,” “I am ready to put communication with the child and its financing under the control of the wife”, “I drew conclusions from the situation and became a really good husband and father,” I personally advise wives to forgive their husbands and keep their families together. If the opposite is true: “the relationship lasted for years, the husband bought an apartment for his mistress, tried to tell his wife that he dreamed of bigamy, continued secret communication with his mistress according to his own plan,” I advise wives to share property with her husband, sign amicable agreements with him (while he there is at least some sense of guilt) for the maintenance of the wife and child (for alimony), to disperse, to divorce and continue to live according to their own scenario. Or continue the relationship with her husband only when signing a marriage contract, where in the event of new breakdowns of the husband to his mistress or his hitchhiking back and forth, the woman will at least be able to protect her material rights and the rights of her children (after all, illegitimate children, according to the law, also have the right to receive a share from his father's inheritance).

At the same time, as a psychologist and just a person, I fundamentally think:

Children are not divided into legal and illegitimate! They are just children

They have an equal right to be born and to live with dignity

From here, I have three points:

• - It is strictly forbidden to put pressure on your husband and / or identified mistress about an abortion! NO ABORTION! Children are not guilty of anything! They must live!
• - The payment of alimony to an illegitimate child is for me the sacred duty of a man, regardless of how his wife or the mistress herself - the mother of an illegitimate child - is disposed towards it.
• - If the mistress who gave birth to a child from a man does not mind, a man is obliged in some form and with some frequency, but it is precisely to systematically communicate with his child, participating in his upbringing and helping in life. At the same time, if a man decided to keep the family, it is right for him to exclude personal and intimate communication with his mistress and coordinate with his wife the amount of his material assistance to the child and the frequency and format of communication with him.

It so happens that, because of these three points, my wives are offended when they find out that the mistress is pregnant from her husband. But I have to be objective in my work. After all, in my practice, this has happened more than once: Wives who divorced their husbands, having learned about the presence of a pregnant woman or a mistress who has already given birth to him, and then themselves enter into a relationship with a married man and … become pregnant. And again they turn to me for advice and say "Thank you" for my child-friendly position. But that, as they say, is a completely different story.