2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
It is both very simple and incredibly difficult at the same time.
Simple - because the means themselves are simple, obvious, uncomplicated.
We've all heard or read about them. Or even watched from the sidelines.
They are difficult because they often represent a completely new experience that has never been lived and felt before.
What am I talking about?
Yes, that if a person had an experience of support in his childhood, then he automatically uses it, without even thinking about how it is done.
If there was no such experience, but there was only an experience of rejection, rejection, criticism, ignorance, then such a person will not learn to support himself.
And when he is told something from the series “love yourself”, for him it sounds something like: “Go there, I don’t know where, find that - I don’t know what”.
Well, he does not know how to do this, he did not have such experience, he was never lived and appropriated!
… When we start our inner search, we find at least two inner parts.
We find in ourselves the child part (the Inner Child) and another part that is in the closest contact with this Child.
Very, very often this is the overwhelming, tyrannical part that is sometimes called the Inner Parent.
It is the interaction of this couple, which occurs through the mediation of the Outer World, that causes many of the feelings and sensations that we experience.
In other words, how we feel in this world is created by inner reality.
External reality only "triggers" internal experiences, but does not create them in any way.
As already mentioned, most of the feelings "originate" from the named parts.
In "Child" we are anxious, frightened, we feel guilt and shame, we experience helplessness and confusion, but also joy, surprise, delight, curiosity.
From the "Child" we crave recognition, we want to receive support and protection, we need acceptance and love.
From it, different life strategies grow, which were learned in childhood - for the sake of meeting these vital needs.
We want to be liked - in order to be accepted and loved, and for this we resort to the methods that were cultivated by the family system.
For example, if the parents encouraged the premature adulthood of the child, forcing him to take responsibility, then the person will win love with this responsibility;
if forced to sacrifice himself, then he will sacrifice;
praised for every sneeze - will sneeze a lot, etc.
And we will suppress, destroy, destroy all those manifestations of the Child that were rejected by our parents.
For example, if they could not tolerate "negative" feelings -
fear, aggression, helplessness - these feelings will be rejected;
Rejected manifestations of autonomy - borders and rights will be suppressed.
At the same time we will forbid ourselves those needs that have not been met in a direct way.
We will convince ourselves that we do not need love (recognition, etc.)
It seems that the denial of a need is easier to bear than the pain of dissatisfaction …
Alas, it only seems.
The deeper the need is buried, the more rigidly the compensation will be organized, and the stronger the expectation from the outside world now for the satisfaction of this rejected need will be.
(People who deny themselves vulnerability become ruthless, who deny themselves the right to be afraid, revel in power, etc.)
In order for the child (and then the Inner Child) to “behave correctly”, in accordance with the “successful” strategies, the figure of the Inner Tyrant appears.
He also "punishes" with accusation and a sense of shame if the Child "screwed up".
And when we are in this inner part of ourselves, we feel dissatisfaction with ourselves and anger at ourselves.
Expectations for oneself are born from this part (to improve, stop whining, pull yourself together, be an adult, etc.), intimidation occurs (if you don't do it right, you will get … trouble).
Occasionally, when the Child manages to be "correct" - from the point of view of the Tyrant, he is pleased.
Then, at the level of feelings, we experience something like satisfaction (from the Tyrant) and temporary tranquility (from the Child).
Until the first small or big crisis that Life brings … and then everything starts all over again.
Well, how can you feel the joy of life here?
Where is there for self-love?
When is the main task not to fall under the roller of internal accusations?
Which can be provoked by external accusations, or can flare up for no reason at all?
… And so it turns out - we live either in a guilty and bad Child, or in that part of ourselves that is not happy with this Child, and we are irritated with ourselves.
… Supporting yourself starts with the simplest.
With the recognition of the right to your feelings.
This right was one of the first to be taken away.
“You can't get angry! This is bad!"
“You have no right to be offended by your parents. They only want the best."
"Pull yourself together!", "You're not tired at all!" (It doesn't hurt you at all, there is nothing to be afraid of)
"Ori louder!", "You never know what you want" …
All of these messages meant one thing:
You have no right to your feelings.
You have no right to feel what you feel.
Nobody cares about your feelings.
So we lose support, we do not know what to rely on in our interaction with the world.
We do not understand what is being done to us, because we can no longer rely on our feelings.
We get used to violence.
When we regain our right to our feelings, we regain that support.
What is happening to me is important!
And I have the right to feel what I feel - without fear or shame.
… When we "get" into the Child, we learn to ask ourselves one more simple question:
"What am I feeling now?"
Am I scared?
I got lost?
I am ashamed?
Am I worried? …
What happened to me, why did these feelings appear?
And further:
What part of my experience did I get into?
… We find ourselves by the ways of feelings in "familiar" places …
Where they have been more than once.
Am I scared because when someone yells at me, I’m afraid of going through the violence again?
Am I offended - because I always feel offended if my needs are ignored?
Am I anxious - and am I always anxious when things get out of hand?
I am ashamed - as always, when it seems that I was not up to par?
I was at a loss - because I was lost every time I was waiting for help, but received complaints?
Am I angry because I was denied protection again?
Fear, confusion and anger can lead to an old history of relationships with a parent …
And this attention to your feelings will help to separate the current events from the past …
But, first of all, attention to our feelings is the support that we need so much. And we can provide ourselves with it.
This is how a new figure appears in the Child-Tyrant pair.
This is an Adult figure that heralds the beginning of a new experience.
A new, respectful experience.
An experience where we accept our feelings.
Where we respect and recognize our subjectivity.
This new figure asks, "What's the matter with you?" - without accusing or intimidating …
… The next step is self-compassion.
"How much did I get …"
"How difficult it was for me …"
"How I needed …."
Recognition of unmet needs and concerns, the ability to take it seriously -
that is compassion.
The right to your feelings, self-compassion is the beginning of a good attitude towards yourself.
Which can grow into something more.
… In the fact that we learn to identify and defend our boundaries.
… that we are ready to get ourselves out of traumatic situations, … And in what we consider necessary to organize support for ourselves.
It is then that we will feel an influx of strength, joy, gratitude, a revival of interest in life.
It is the “gratitude” of the Inner Child who now feels protected.
And then we no longer need an external resource in the form of a person, an idea or a system that will finally be able to repay debts, fill needs that have not yet been recognized.
Now the necessary support is inside.
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