2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Sometimes it is helpful to remind advanced clients of a psychologist:
trauma does not justify inappropriate behavior.
It's good to know a lot about your injury and what exactly triggers you.
Notice where almost out of the blue you fall into an emotional hole
- to catch yourself in time.
Knowing your trauma does not imply emotional connivance.
but it implies responsibility.
And the responsibility is to learn how to regulate yourself as best as possible.
In order to suffer less yourself
and not to multiply the suffering around you …
Yes, at a certain stage of therapy, a person is immersed in mourning their injuries, this is a normal part of the whole process.
Problems begin when a client who learns about the trauma begins to actively involve their loved ones - or desperately call them to account.
Sometimes adult children rush to elderly parents suffering from some kind of hypertension or heart failure, and dump lengthy accusations on them for the events of thirty years ago.
Such an explosion in the family system, very little productive - after all, parents still will not be able to make up for the loss and feed the "hungry" child. But they can easily get a heart attack.
The truth is, their time has passed.
They did what they could.
You are now among adults.
Your time has come!
Sometimes adults fall into childhood and try to urgently adopt / be adopted by their spouses, becoming capricious and demanding, generous with claims.
They are waiting for attention, understanding and absolute support in their whims - for the trauma, her mother …
Only now, no one, even the most loving partner, will be able to become an ideal parent.
No matter how anyone suffers, the partner is not obliged to endure everything, is not obliged to always be there, and even - oh, horror! - physically will not be able to love and accept you 24 hours a day.
All this is the task of the mother in relation to the small child.
The partner has his own tasks and his own path, which only partially intersects with yours.
Furthermore.
If in a marital contact you allow yourself to be "stuck" in the role of a child for a long time - expect that your sex will suffer. Forgive me for naturalism, but a partner is not a pedophile, he wants an adult.
Or here's a recent example, with the permission of everyone involved.
A middle-aged man complained about a crisis in his family life. Some time ago, his wife visited an experienced psychologist. Learning more about herself, she confided in her husband and had long conversations with him about her childhood traumas.
She asked him to change his behavior, not to do this and that, not to say this and that, because she is traumatized and it hurts in the most unexpected moments.
A loving husband tried, tried, and then said something like this:
“You know, I walk like on thin ice all the time. I serve your trauma every day. You taught me in detail how to behave so as not to accidentally hurt you. Out of love for you, I have completely adjusted, I am attentive and tense all the time. Yes, now you are calm, your tantrums have disappeared, but our relationship has become lifeless. There is so little room for me in them now … I can no longer suppress my personality just because in the distant past some other people hurt you."
It is sad when a person's knowledge of their injuries is perceived as a "resolver" of all different inadequacies.
All these "I am right because I am traumatized", "you are wrong because you provoke me", "I cannot be responsible for my reaction, I have an injury" only multiply the pain and spoil the relationship.
And here I want to write in multi-colored letters:
Your trauma is a good reason to learn how to support yourself as best you can.
This is already a hackneyed truth: only you can give the injured child within you all the support, love and attention that he so desperately needs.
Moreover, it is your adult responsibility to yourself.
Even if it hurts desperately, even if you want to howl at the moon, you can still regulate your behavior so that others do not hurt.
Your injuries are important to you and your counselor, but other people are not required to take care of them. Even when they are very fond of.
Hug the child inside you, hug him gently and carefully …
Tell him that you will not betray, you will not condemn him with words borrowed from your parents.
That you will stay with him always, in any experience …
And then be sure to teach him good manners!
For this is the path to a good life.
"Tame your inner beasts" - the Bible calls.
"Love your inner children," says psychology.
Between those beasts and children
like spaces between words or lines in a book, hidden is the true knowledge of man about himself.
Something big is hidden
clear and transparent as the sky …
With love and support
to all the tremulous traumatized children hiding in adults
uncles and aunts ❤️
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