Separation Processes

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

SEPARATION

How often do we have to observe children who have already grown up, who are dependent on their parents. And now we are not talking about 10-15 year old children, but about 20, 30, 40, and sometimes 50 year old "boys and girls" tightly connected with the parent by the umbilical cord.

Separation in psychology implies the separation of an adult child from the parental family and his formation as a separate person, independent and independent.

Dependent relationships are always formed with the light hand of a parent. Well, of course! We gave the child life, what could be more valuable, now he owes us, owes us to the end of his life. A child growing up in such a family system finds himself under the pressure of obligation, forced to “pay off” the debt in all possible and impossible ways. If the parents' demands turn out to be outrageous, the child resists, then, of course, he experiences a strong sense of guilt.

Well, but, really, does the child owe his parents for giving him life … First of all, the very word “gift” means a kind of gratuitous gift. Well, and most importantly, the child, after all, he really did not ask you for anything. Perhaps he would like to be born in a different country to other parents, in a different era … The choice was made by two adults and the child certainly does not bear any responsibility for this choice.

Truth is simple enough to be accepted and understood only if the child is a conscious decision. After all, children often give birth not because they really want a child, but under the pressure of society and relatives (you cannot be recognized if your family is not continued). Also, children are born in a situation of uncontrollable instinct. And also because I really want to feel at least someone loved if the situation of intimacy is impossible with other people. So it turns out that the child is a kind of function, from the moment of conception, designed to meet parental expectations.

Here are the reproaches towards the child “We fed you, clothed, taught, took you to various sections, and you are ungrateful …” Yes, parents, on the day when you decide to bring a new person into this world, you automatically take on the obligation to feed teach how to dress, provide, at least what is necessary. Private schools, various sections, tutors, expensive clothes, fashionable gadgets are your choice! Parent's Choice!

It is worth noting that this kind of reproach is characteristic of parents, who often abandoned themselves, their interests, desires. “Everything for the child” or “I live for the sake of my son or daughter” or “Mashenka, Petenka is my life.” Behind such statements there are expectations in relation to children. The child, growing up, feels, in turn, obliged to abandon himself in favor of mom and dad. Relationships do not bring such joy to anyone. In such families, various manipulations are very often used, which, of course, does not contribute to either closeness between family members or warmth. Relationships are built mainly on obligation.

A similar situation occurs if the feelings in a couple have died out, the couple unites "to raise a baby." There are two strangers who are completely indifferent, at best, and at worst hostile to each other. Time passes, the child grows up and flies out of the family nest. Parents who choose this path will continue to make efforts to ensure that the child acts as a kind of glue for their couple.

Another family scenario that makes the separation process protracted, difficult, and sometimes impossible at all "The parent knows, it is better for the child and is always right, and if not right, look at the first point." In such a family, the child is completely deprived of the right to choose. It is forbidden to show initiative at all, or the shown "willfulness" will be ridiculed. The child is tightly controlled. Parental requirements are often not age-appropriate. Growing up in such a system, the child learns to “be deaf” to his own needs and desires. Needs guidance and guidance. He really wants to be independent and independent, but the world scares him.

One very anxious mother I knew forbade her 7-month-old baby to crawl, because there are germs on the floor. The child was endlessly frightened by the dangers lurking at every step "Don't jump off the couch, you will fall, break your head and all your blood will flow out." And also bandits walk the streets, especially in the dark. If you don’t put on a hat, meningitis will happen and you will remain a fool … "Straws" for a child are covered in all possible cases. And such a child grows up anxious, understands the world as a dangerous hostile one. And it really depends. Depends on mom. How is he without her..

Are you familiar with families in which parents try to realize their own dreams in a child? Dad dreamed of becoming a great boxer, he failed, but his son must win the championship! Mom all her life dreamed of an art school, but times were difficult, and the dream was not destined to come true. What are parents doing ?! Right ! They take the child to an art school or a sports section … I ignore the needs, desires and inclinations of the child. A child, for whom they decide what to love and what to get involved in, is extremely difficult to separate from their parents because they do not understand "Who I am" "What I am" "What I want".

There are four types of separation.

1. Emotional. "I'm not so dependent on parental approval or disapproval anymore."
2. Attitude separation. “I have my own view of the people around me and the events taking place. I do not look at the world only through the prism of a parental attitude to it. I am able to think and reason in my own categories, without constantly looking back at parental judgments."
3. Functional separation. “I am able to take care of myself, provide for myself, live separately from my parents”
4. Conflict situation “I have the right to live my own life, separate from my parents. At the same time, I do not feel guilty."

If all four types of separation are successfully passed, a person feels like a full-fledged person, loving himself and his loved ones, capable of building a healthy family, career, and mature relationships with others.

In order to separate, the child needs to leave the so-called comfort zone, make his own mistakes, gaining his experience. Learn to take responsibility for your actions, and then for your own life into your own hands. And in this he can be helped by parents who recognize the child's right to be a separate person. Parents who realize that the child is another person who has the right to their desires and needs.

And most importantly, dear parents! Remember that your life does not end with the birth of a child !!!! Live, love, study what you are interested in, breathe deeply, look for your own meanings! This is the best thing you can do for your child.