About Merging And Separation

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Once upon a time there was a boy. Not real. I came up with it in this post. In the same post, I asked the question "how to determine what really is in me and what does not apply to me?" So, using the example of this invented boy, I want to answer this question

So, this boy lived for himself, not everything was going smoothly in his family, but in general it was possible to live. He looked like personal therapy, began to feel more and more aware of himself, began to change his methods of contact with others - with his parents, with friends, with teachers at school.

Suppose he was 16 years old, and this is a hot age. It seems that there is already an experience that he is an adult, can decide a lot of things himself, but on the other hand, he felt his dependence on his parents - material and psychological.

And this, it is worth noting, is a crisis period. Even if we discard the hormonal changes from which it flatters and sausages, the change of values from "being a good child" to "I want to know who I am". It is very difficult to understand "who I am", when there is an addiction and when there is a habit, whatever I have done, it seems like parents are responsible for everything.

And now, it means that this boy turned 18 years old, he finished school and decided to go on a journey called "I want to know who I am, what I am."

He took with him on this journey a huge backpack full of experience and beliefs, knowledge from his parents and his own, experience of victories and failures.

He went to college, moved to another city, settled in a hostel, or found a job and rented himself a place to live (a room in a communal apartment).

There are no more familiar classmates, you no longer have to report to your parents at what time you came home, there is no longer a note on the refrigerator "son, you will find dinner on the stove."

The people around have changed, there is more freedom, but one has to answer for everything that has been created.

At first it was euphoria, then there was a period of revaluation of mother's dinners (their value increased) and parental care, there were periods of sadness over the loss of ties with classmates and courtyard friends. Yes, he called them on Skype, but it was still not the same.

In the new life, there were many experiments, including relationships - meeting with girls, long-term or not at all.

Dad used to say when he was angry with mom that "all women are fools, remember this, son. Do not try to get married." Mom said that "a man should be reliable and kind, not like your father." In general, over 18 years of close relationships with parents, then with teachers and other significant people, this boy was told a lot.

Of course, he filtered something and divided by 36, doubted something, but unconditionally agreed with something. That is, this is the very largest backpack of beliefs and ideas about the world with which he entered the world.

A year passed, then another, and the boy went through the contents of this backpack.

He realized that in some ways his parents were right, but in others they were not at all, that many parental beliefs did not suit him, and some very much even so.

He also went over his own beliefs - it was the most painstaking and complex work, similar to assembling jigsaw puzzles, and some details were not enough for the overall picture. So he set off on new travels to complete a picture of himself and the world.

For a long time, or for a short time, the boy was engaged in revising his backpack, throwing out the unnecessary, moving the valuable to its places, but now, having gone through all this thoroughly, we see a completely different person in front of us. He has his own values and personal orientation. He has his own dogmas and beliefs. He has his own desires. He appreciates the experience that he received in the family, found a distance in relationships with parents, in which goodwill and acceptance of parental characteristics are preserved, but in general there is an experience of their separateness and confidence in myself that my parents and family are like this and I love them that way. but with all my love for my parents, I have my own separate life and my own values.

Further, this now no longer a boy, feels the need to create his own, separate family, knowing what he is, what is valuable to him, what is unacceptable; he feels very clearly his separation from others, even significant others, but at the same time, he has a relationship in his own family, in which he can come very close and completely painlessly move away, going about his business (work, study, hobbies). It is painless, because both he and his wife have a lot of confidence that the distance does not threaten the security of their relationship in any way.

This is the end of the fairy tale. The fairy tale, by the way, is called indecently - a monad.

This is the name of the period of separation of the child from the parental family and gaining their own experience, thanks to which there is an understanding of oneself as a person separate from the parents, and the acceptance of responsibility for one's life.

This tale seems to be of little use in real life, isn't it?

Some kind of perfect this boy. As if his parents just like that - and let him go. And he is all so independent at once and everything is good with him. But what about the cosmic cost of renting a home? But what about calls from parents who are worried and know how to evoke very, very strong feelings from sex? But what about the problems with study and work, and the need to know that yesiche, mom and dad will be reinsured.

Well, in general, real life, it really bears little resemblance to this fairy tale. But I told it, answering my own question "how to separate what is mine, from what is not mine?"

Indeed, in order to find out how widely you can swing in your plans, it would be good to know about your real resources. I agree with my readers that only real experience helps to learn about their capabilities. But how to make it so that getting this real experience to stay alive?

After all, for example, you can change a lot of things - give up a tormenting relationship, move to another country, change jobs. BUT. Will the same thing happen again in new relationships? But won't it turn out that after the move, exhaustion will come, unbearable loneliness will rush and depression will take into its arms? But won't it be so that after being fired I will not be able to find a job for myself, where both money and bosses will satisfy me, and … …?

Here such experiences flood that "monad" is, of course, wonderful, but you want to live, therefore fear paralyzes and changes are postponed until better times. Because it is not yet clear whether I can cope with the difficulties.

And what to do? Shaw here you are combing my brains with fairy tales, tell me better where to get money from resources - an imaginary reader asks me.

And my answer will be this:

Start exploring your own boundaries. For only when I clearly feel where I am and where is the other world, what I can really influence, and what is generally outside my area of responsibility, only then will it be possible to weigh my own resources (skills, capabilities, abilities, etc.). Weighing them is important in order to calculate the possible risks in case of changes.

According to the results of a survey of people who have already left for another country (decided to make changes in their own lives), the following feature was found out:

People who decided to change relied more on their resources.

People who want changes, but do not decide on them, rely more on resources from outside.

In other words, people who have changed their lives trust themselves (thanks to developed skills) that they will find themselves a new circle of friends, will be able to earn money, because they are focused on the fact that changes in their own lives depend on the ability and willingness to change themselves (improve their skills, open up to something new). They believe in themselves and have a sufficient level of self-support.

People who do not dare to make changes, but want them, are focused on the resources around (if I had a couple of free millions, if only I had friends there who would support me).

That is, there is no trust in one's own resources, focusing comes from "what kind of soil will be nutritious for me with the tentacles that I have."

People who have changed their lives tend to "what other tentacles do I need to grow in order to eat better from the external environment."

There is also a third option "with what tentacles I need to find and join someone who can feed me in a new environment." But this is a separate story from another, no less entertaining tale. But in general, this is also about the search for external resources.

Why does all of the above have to do with personal boundaries? Because personal boundaries are ideas about the area of their influence.

If I feel guilty for the feelings of other people, considering their manifestations to be my own merit, or if other people seem to be guilty for what is happening in my life, then this is a clear symptom that people are experiencing their boundaries wide-eyed, very open. At the same time, the feeling of responsibility for others simultaneously carries with it both guilt and anxiety that many things cannot really be changed, but a person seems to have to change it.

However, if I have a clear knowledge, resonating right here with bodily consent, that this is mine, and this is not mine. This I can change, but this I cannot, this is my responsibility, but this is not mine, then I can manage it fully and clearly (if these ideas coincide with reality).

And the recognition of one's own boundaries begins with a dreary, at times, but slow and distinct listening to one's bodily sensations, feelings and emotions.

It sounds easy and clear, however, if you take any small exercise or practice, it often turns out that the feeling is clogged to the point of automatism.

For example, try feeling and chewing every bite of food at dinner. Without burying yourself in a computer, TV set or anywhere else. But right to be alone with food and completely "live" it. What thoughts and excitements arise? * I, by the way, am now looking at the monitor and eating *

Or just listen to your bodily sensations for 10 minutes and do nothing. Something combed? Thoughts fled into memories? Upcoming plans? A chorus of voices and internal dialogues sounded inside?

Or do all these exercises seem to you to be pointless nonsense, on which you do not want to waste time? That is, it is easier to discount it. Could it be that when some spontaneous "want" or "don't want" sounds inside you, it depreciates as instantly as this experiment?

In any case, the answer to the question "how to determine what really is in me and what does not apply to me?" simple: to feel clearly, separating yourself from the world.

But the very practice of this feeling is something that cannot be read in any magazine, book or article and adjusted in 5 minutes. Merging (blurring one's own boundaries) is the most dreary and long process in the work of a therapist. Because bit by bit, overcoming all the symptoms of fusion (low energy level, lack of arousal (I want this one specifically), confusion of my own desires with the desires of other people, distrust of myself as a result of insensibility of myself), the process of "washing out" of grains of gold takes place (that is yourself) from the rest of the sand.

Even the very process of writing this article about merging and separation (separating my boundaries from everything else) was given to me at a great price - my immersion in this topic was accompanied by both confusion and a lack of desire to dig deeply into this topic, constantly elusive focus. The blurring of one's own boundaries is the main power eater. More precisely, not even a devourer, but a washer.

But I still hope I was able to convey the main point in this post. Isn't it true?