Dependency, Separation Theory And A Budget Option For Dealing With Early Age Problems

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

According to the theory of separation-individuation by Margaret Mahler, the human self is born from the sea-ocean of the unconscious gradually and in stages. Codependency - life through others and for others, according to this theory, will be the result of problems in the development of a child up to 2 years old.

The child grows up, but does not grow up and does not become independent in an adult way. His psyche continues to function at the children's level, relying on the external environment - parents, family, team, state. With all the external attributes of adulthood, a person remains a child with characteristic childhood problems. It is difficult for him to remain autonomous, to be himself and to live in the first person.

Let us consider in more detail the main provisions of the theory of separation - individuation in connection with the topic of codependency

In the middle of the last century, Margaret Mahler and colleagues described several phases of early childhood development. Each of them takes a certain period of time, during which there is a qualitative leap in the psychological development of the child.

Autistic phase from birth to 2 months

Having been born from the mother's womb, the baby remains in the so-called. autistic cocoon as a biological being with zero awareness and reacts to the outside world to satisfy the physiological needs for food and sleep. “My husband hasn't changed at all over the past 40 years, he eats and sleeps just as well” - not an anecdote, but the reality of the autistic phase. He also coughs well, sneezes, spits up and has skin sensitivity to heat or cold. His emotional life is manifested in screams and movements.

For such a person, he himself, his mother and the world around him are merged in a single perception. The grasping reflex is already working and everything that he can reach, everything that he is allowed to drag into his mouth, stomach, into the house, into the bank account.

At this stage, object relations are not formed and the person very vaguely understands the difference between himself, mother and the world. He does not know how to build relationships with others, does not understand what interpersonal boundaries are, where he ends and where others begin with their desires, thoughts and feelings. Outwardly, this may look like antisocial behavior, like an unquenched need for care or servile over-concern for others.

Getting into the earliest autistic phase, a person seems to have nothing to say, he feels completely helpless, cannot speak, turn to others with requests, does not believe, does not hope, but the desire to live makes him show his state to others, cry and passively wait that someone will treat him with sympathy and regret. But he cannot even admit to himself that he needs pity. Feelings are disconnected and he feels "normal" while he is very, very bad and lonely.

Remembering and feeling the state of this phase can help fairy tale by G. H. Andersen's "Match Girl": A little barefoot girl is afraid to address passers-by, cannot knock on someone's door and does not freeze on the street while all people are preparing to celebrate Christmas.

Awareness of one's own separateness is experienced as a state of abandonment and uselessness, and the nondiscrimination of I from Not-I is experienced as a blessing. We are familiar with this level of experience, nostalgic and missing loved ones, feeling sorry for ourselves and others, feeling hungry, needing care, enjoying well-being and comfort, giving gifts and leaving a part of ourselves in another person, receiving gifts, feeling accepted and unconditionally loved. experiencing ecstatic states. This is all from there - from the paradise phase of the non-manifestation of one's consciousness and the subsequent symbiotic period.

From 2 to 4-5 months, there is a phase of symbiosis

It takes this time for the mother object to form. The infant endows the mother with tremendous value, is completely dependent on her and is devoted. She is a condition for his survival. The mother turns into the main object of love, to which all attention and aspirations are drawn: “give, give, give”, and with age - “give, bring, serve, oh, you can’t, no one needs me here, my grief is endless, evil people, fucking world!"

Insert an asterisk into my heart, an asterisk, Insert shells, shells, instead of ears, And instead of a peephole - balls, balls, Instead of pants, give pants, pants, Put me in a manger, in a manger, So that I would lie in the cradle, in the cradle

And let out nozzles, nozzles, Publishing at the same time screams, screams.

And then build a rainbow, a rainbow

So that gnomes, gnomes run along it

So that cats, kitties would live in it, And feed me from a spoon, from a spoon.

But you cannot, you cannot.

So why don't you fucking destroy me?

(Shish Bryanskiy)

The baby already knows how to smile and pull the handles, squeeze what is caught in a fist, and emotionally becomes attached to the One that gives and nourishes. A mother, seeing a smiling baby, feels tenderness. This child becomes "her child" and from this age we all love smiles so much.

An adult codependent at this stage of development cannot breastfeed and therefore looks for other maternal objects: Mother Nature, Motherland Mother, school, alma mater, company, government contracts … Meeting with this, we also smile and relax.

The call "Motherland Calls" during World War II ricochets from the adult ego into the psychic structures of the infant period and raises millions to protect the Great Mother. We want mom to live, we want to smile, not cry. Modern patriots - ours, American, Australian … either themselves are stuck in this optimistic smile of archetypal symbiosis, or they cynically use those who are stuck in this stage of development. Alcoholics, mothers' retirement drinkers, taster drinkers who enjoy the taste sensations, and beer belly carriers are men who regularly take on their breasts and regress into a phase of symbiosis. They do not drink, but eat alcohol, without which they are hungry, cold and sad. Women mothers who feed their husbands and children until their retirement are women who cannot live without feeding others, without watching someone hum, smile, wave arms and legs next to them.

The main thing is to preserve the ability to smile, to maintain eye-to-eye contact, because without a smile and absorption in each other, we fall into autistic loneliness.

Thousands of songs with warm and moist symbiotic-codependent moods have been written for people of symbiotic orientation - "We cannot live without each other", "You accept me as I am, look at my pure heart", "I will follow you, I need you any "," I will live for you, you are in me "… The child will not develop properly without such a powerful maternal message, but codependency strides through the years, it is firmly attached to the body I (there is no other yet) and becomes a relationship between the bodies of adults of people.

This is followed by the most important phase, marked by the acquisition and enrichment of the Self with new formations, skills and knowledge. During this period, the psyche is formed.

The actual phase of separation and individuation according to Margaret Mahler

Subphases:

Differentiation … Normally up to 9 months. The infant's interest is shifted to the result of his actions. He begins to be interested in the world around him outside the mother, but at the same time remains in a safe mother's space.

At this moment, you can notice that the child either clings to the mother's body, then moves away from it. He begins to feel his body and hers differently. Gradually, the image of one's own body is formed, bodily and psychological boundaries are created.

When an adult falls into this 9-month age, he seems to be completely independent, rational and active. He already has bodily autonomy, but at the same time he needs guarantees of safety.

He asks the questions that startups, consultants and coaches like to answer: "what to do?", "How to get it?" You've seen hundreds of article headlines ("Six Steps to Financial Self-Reliance", "Seven Ways to Become Insufficient", "How to Deal with Fear?", "How to Lose Weight Using Psychology?", Etc.) age.

Practice sub-phase. Up to 15 months. The child is encouraged by his abilities and achievements. He can pick up and throw a ball, he can walk to another wall, he can break or assemble a toy, win a competition, become a boss, lose 30 kilograms, buy a car, earn the first million, etc.

At this subphase, the intrapsychic image of the mother is formed and the baby begins to feel much more confident. He can already run away from his mother, play with strangers, have sex with them, go to work, etc.

At the same time, he needs a mother, wife / husband, a warm bath, delicious food and familiar slippers waiting for him at home. If this is not the case, then frustration, disappointment, resentment and indifference arise. Indifference to the nursing object is accompanied by irritation, quarrels and ends with leaving for another better mother or more generous father - "I do not love you as before", "our relationship has exhausted itself."

The most mature decision that a person at this conditional 15 months of age can make is to go to a consultation with a psychologist. And, perhaps, the psychologist will be able to become a fairly good and reliable mother. On occasion, it will even be possible to tell her that she is not attentive and responsive enough.

The main thing is not to break off the relationship at this stage, as more adult adventures and practices await ahead.

Reproshman(return). Up to about 2 years old. An adult in the state of such a child comes to the realization that, despite achievements and statuses, he is not omnipotent. The world does not bend under it and this discovery gives rise to a feeling of helplessness and abandonment ("luck turned away from me"). Where there was hope and success was expected, failure now awaits. If you remember the famous saying that “success has a mother’s face”, you can understand the essence of what is happening.

The disappointment and loneliness of an adult in this state are very similar to the experiences associated with the loss of a protective maternal object at the age of 2 - “my guardian angel has left me”, “I have returned, but no one is waiting for me”. But they said: "Do not return to where it was once good."

Reproshman is the first and very important stage in getting to know your aggression. At the age of up to 2 years, the child makes the first attempts to control his aggression without destroying his little world. Someone by the age of 30-40 already knows how to do it quite well, someone still continues to study, and someone thinks that they will do it anyway. Almost like the observation that people are divided into three categories: "Those who read Dostoevsky, those who will still read and those who will never do it."

It is at this early age that the child receives the first social vaccination to manage frustration and aggression. For some, it contributes to the development of immunity and tolerance, for some there is irritation and reaction, for some there is an encapsulation of aggression and cysts. Sometimes literally.

Much depends on the concentration of disease-causing violence and evil in the environment. Also from emotional hygiene skills. The child does not have these skills yet and he can smear anything with his poop - emotional waste. Adults, in theory, should already be able to independently cope with their aggression, be clean and take aggression against themselves from other people, without falling into despair.

In childhood, much depended on the mother. The child left her in order to adjust the whole world for himself, then he realized that this was impossible and, disappointed, returned to her knees. If the mother was tolerant and supportive of his attempts, was happy to return, could calm him down and did not show triumph from defeat, the child made new attempts, gradually became stronger and gained confidence. And, in the end, feeling fulfilled, he left her into adulthood.

This game is played from the codependent childhood period into adulthood with complications and traumatic consequences. Getting measles at age 5 and 20 are two big differences.

Like that child, a certain husband can leave and return, a codependent mother - the wife accepts, forgives, loves until finally the stronger husband leaves for the younger one. Perhaps now he will already be ready to love the one who, it is possible, if suddenly grows up, will leave him in order to love the one whom they also once disliked. All this looks like a cycle of love in nature, but in reality it is a vicious circle of codependency with a deficit and theft of love.

What are the events of 2 years old performed by adult men and women?

This is what happens to me:

the wrong one comes to me

puts his hands on my shoulders

and steals from the other.

And the one -

tell me, for God's sake, who should put your hands on your shoulders?

That, from which I was stolen, in revenge, he will also steal.

Will not immediately answer with the same, but will live with himself in a struggle

and unconsciously outline

someone distant to yourself.

Oh how much

nervous

and the sick

unnecessary connections, unnecessary friendships!

Where am I going from this ?!

Oh somebody

come

break

strangers connectivity

and disunity

close souls!

(E. Evtushenko)

This is already a full-fledged mental life, however, very overloaded with codependent connections, characterized by minimal freedom, melancholy, inconsolability and aggression.

4. Towards the permanence of the libidinal object

The libidinal object of desire is what is attractive to us and causes attraction. We want to eat it, get sexual release or satisfaction from other kinds of contacts. Social prohibitions are imposed on primary drives and, starting from childhood, we learn to resolve conflicts between "want" and "mustn't." At this time, the Ego develops and the inner objects of close people are created in the psyche. We become more stable and relationships with others become stronger and more mature.

The child (or even not necessarily a child already) gains confidence that his good relationship with loved ones will continue, despite short separations or temporary outbursts of anger. A person acquires the ability to self-reflection, now he has what is called the inner world. It is not empty and is inhabited by figures of mother, father and other significant characters.

M. Mahler, of course, also spoke about the role of her father

At the age of 18 months, the child identifies not only with the mother, but also with the father. It is the father who helps the child to detach from the mother, regulate his aggression, shows by his example how to restrain it, transfer it to another type of activity and get satisfaction from life without grief and sadness. This period is successful if the father is not only available, but also sane. And, of course, the process is complicated if the mother remains the only support and safety in the absence of the father.

Not a cure, but growing up

If you have come to this point, then there is very little effort left to understand that codependency is not a disease, but the kind of relationship that we inherit from early childhood. In an amicable way, they should be left in the past along with your crib, clothes, behavior patterns, self-perception, habits, motives, etc.

Codependents are not sick and do not need treatment. Moreover, time does not cure codependency either.

To one degree or another, we are all codependent because we preserve our childhood experiences at the bodily and emotional level. Children's fears, resentments, pity, greed, envy, children's infantile defenses will not go anywhere, just above this level of the psyche as a foundation, you need to build a house suitable for adult living.

Help with codependency is not plastering or whitewashing the facade, but a major overhaul, which begins with the foundation and the change of all communications. If this is not done, the foundation is not strengthened, the problem areas at the base of the psyche are not patched up, new connections are not established, then cracks will go along the walls in the form of diseases, broken relationships and many psychological problems. Achieving maturity requires investing in yourself and realizing that otherwise, codependency problems will become more and more pronounced over the years.

Defects in the foundation of a new house - at the basic level of the psyche, they can be completely invisible, but over time, usually it is already impossible to hide them by the age of 40-45. In order to have enough strength for reconstruction, it is desirable that the analysis of problems and the reconstruction of the psyche began at this age, still young by modern standards.

We do not recover from co-life, we grow out of it. This growing up takes time and effort. Some are a couple of years old, some are 5-6 years old.

Results and practice

We (the author together with Doctor of Psychological Sciences OV Lukyanov) developed a budget version of remote group work with codependency. It was attended by about forty women aged 30-50 years. It took three years of interesting and intense work. Some of the expectations turned out to be unrealizable, some of the results exceeded expectations. Everyone who completed the test results significantly reduced the degree of codependent relationships: they became less anxious and anxious, gained more mature autonomy and restored self-esteem.

Today I propose an individual format of remote work in correspondence with a well-thought-out and proven algorithm. Technically, it looks like walking through therapeutic spaces and completing individual written assignments, in the process of which you need to remember, relive, analyze and use creativity.

Payment in progress can be monthly or every 10 days. You just make a decision every time how much this format of work suits you, evaluate our interaction and your strength. In any case, the passage of therapeutic spaces and stages of work brings its fireproof results. You only decide whether you are ready to go further along the path of self-exploration and psychological maturation.

Initially, you need to plan that the work will take from one to three years.

Therapeutic Spaces Map

1. Spaces of attachment:

a space of vulnerability and fear;

space of control, attachments and boundaries;

a space of protection from shame;

the space of foundations and mature motivation.

2. Spaces of activity:

Shadow space;

space of the Initiative;

money space;

space of Power.

3. Space of involvement:

maternal role space;

the space of the paternal role;

partnership space;

the space of sublime childhood.

4. Open space:

space for cooperation (common cause) and assistance;

space considerations;

space of modernity;

space of resurrection.

To get started, you need to write to the author's mail.

You will also need to get in touch on Skype (FB, Viber) for personal acquaintance.