Merging And Proximity: 5 Key Differences

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

At first glance, it might seem that merging is intimacy in a relationship. That is, when I feel some kind of unity with my partner, agreement, similarity (and it seems that we are similar to almost everyone!), It seems to me that this is real intimacy, that very happiness that is so much talked about.

Merging is a really enjoyable process at certain points in a relationship. Initially, the baby is in merging with the mother and he feels very good there. But gradually the baby is separated.

At the initial stage of building adult relationships, merging also takes place. Due to him, we find those people with whom we feel good, with whom we can share certain emotions and be supported.

But any relationship develops and cannot stand still. And the next stage after the merger is the stage of differentiation, that is, when we notice not only similarities, but also differences between each other.

In some respects, noticing each other's differences means breaking up, breaking off the relationship.

But the formation of intimacy is possible only when the stage of differentiation has been passed, and the differences between partners have become a value in the relationship.

Let's note the main differences between merging and proximity (so that they also become the value of this article).

1. In merging there is only “we”, in proximity there is “I” and there is “you”

In a merger, it is very difficult to notice which of the participants wants what, to whom and what is important. There is a pronoun "we". “We want to walk,” “we need a new apartment,” “this is being done for the family,” “this is our desire.”

Of course, desires and needs can be the same. But it is possible to find out only in the case when there is an opportunity to separate and compare (you want to walk - yes, and I want to! ). In fusion it is impossible to separate and compare, there is no such skill. Therefore, it is often impossible to reliably figure out who exactly wants to walk and who needs an apartment.

2. In merging, relationships are built on mutual manipulation. In proximity - on mutual agreements

In a merging relationship, the only possible way to satisfy needs is through manipulation. “If you don’t do this, I’ll die (get sick, hang myself)!”, “How could you not wash the floor for me!”, “Don’t you see how bad I am, you cannot go out with your friends now! do you really like this idiotic car ?! That is, each of the participants is trying to achieve his goal through illegal actions. Playing on the feelings of a partner is what codependent couples live with. As a result of various manipulations of one partner, the second develops a feeling of pity, guilt, fear or shame, and he “obeys” the manipulator, ignoring his needs. In response, he also manipulates, but in a different form.

In intimacy, partners notice and openly present their needs to each other, there is nothing shameful in this and there is no threat of breaking off relations (like "how, do you not like this movie ?! That's it, you and I have nothing to talk about!").

In proximity, the satisfaction of the needs of one partner occurs through an agreement with another. "Make me some tea, please, won't it be difficult for you to do this for me now?" In this case, the rejection of the second partner (for example, he is going to football and is already late) will not be viewed as disrespect or total dislike, but will be accepted with understanding.

In closeness, there is also respect for each other's value systems and worldview. Partners communicate to each other about their own value systems (and take responsibility for this), but do not require that this system replace the other's value system.

3. There is no room for difference in merging. In proximity, difference is a value

In a merge relationship, it is very difficult to deal with each other's differences. Differences are perceived as something scary, which poses a serious threat to the relationship. “How will I live with her, because she doesn’t know how to cook (and doesn’t want to study) ?!”, “Why do I need him now, because he does not earn much ?!”.

In proximity, differences are values that are perceived as a resource."Yes, she doesn't like to cook, but she is beautiful in bed and always asks how I feel!" "Yes, he is not a millionaire, but when I watch him play with children, I'm just happy!"

4. Merging is the addiction and horror of loneliness. Intimacy is freedom of choice

People who are accustomed to being in a merger all the time are afraid of being alone. They are afraid of being abandoned, unnecessary. They are very dependent on a partner, and maintaining a relationship becomes more important than satisfying their personal needs. They feel that if they do something good for their partner, the partner will do good for them. And then they refuse to do good for themselves on their own (more precisely, it is very embarrassing).

5. In proximity, people may well be alone

They are able to provide for their needs on their own. At the same time, in a pair they are warmer, closer, more pleasant. Therefore, being in a pair relationship is their personal choice. And if suddenly this relationship ends, it will not be a threat to survival. Yes, definitely, it can be a sad event. But quite portable. After all, a close relationship can be built with another person.