A Family Cannot Be Saved; Divorce - Where Shall We Put A Comma?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

A lot comes to consultations of married couples in whose relations a crisis has come. Women suffer from a lack of love from their husbands. Husbands get tired of an endless stream of claims from wives. And I once again asked myself the question: what is it connected with?

Most family problems arise for a variety of reasons. First, men and women are actually different. Second, we are all hostages of those stereotypes of behavior and thinking that modern society imposes on us. The third is that the approach to solving most of the issues for all people differs so much that for mutual understanding it is necessary to form a common semantic field, that is, to create a special common language of communication between husband and wife.

Modernity erases the boundaries between feminine and masculine behavior, and does not form new "rules of the game" in people. In the choice of partners that modern women make, not feelings, as in ancient times, play an important role, but social factors such as wealth, profession, and the social circle of a potential husband. In such a situation, it often happens that the husband, climbing higher and higher on the social ladder, begins to treat the woman with disdain, which puts family relations on the brink of disintegration. And women begin to sigh that once men were ready to go to a duel because of the one they loved. Sacrifice yourself not in order to master your beloved, but to win her heart and show the depth of your feelings. This is a huge difference between the items of conquest: body and heart! Modern men have lost this quality. They are more interested in the body, and the heart is secondary. Alas! They create a family with a beautiful woman, less thinking about her as a partner for life. For many of them, this is a conquest, a game. But family is not fun, not a game. Without mutual interest in its existence - it turns out 'hack'. Lacking a true understanding, many simply distort the concept of a family, and then justify themselves, they say, “I have such a wife,” “I have such a husband”. And military actions begin between them: who is stronger? Who is more persistent? Who is more enterprising?

I think that the family should not be a place of fights and quarrels, nor a place of envy and discontent. It must be Heaven on earth. It is Paradise, no matter how pretentious it sounds!

The world is sick. And one of the diseases of the world is the disease of the family. If a person does not have a family, he cannot be happy, in my opinion. It does not matter what position in society and what position he occupies. It also does not matter how much money a person has in the bank, if he came home, and there are quarrels and military actions - he is still unhappy. In a family, people should treat each other with respect.

The most difficult thing is to be decent, honest, sincere and righteous in front of yourself and in front of people close to you. It happens that there is one person at work, and another at home. And he begins to prove - here at work I'm doing well! But a great relationship at work is not an indicator of sincerity. It is at home that a person becomes himself - it is difficult to pretend with his own. What kind of person is in the family, this is what he really is.

I am sure that more than anyone else on earth, a man is obliged to respect and even honor his wife. The wife should be more valuable than anyone, even … the president of the country)))). The same can be said about the wife. Her husband should always be the first for her. She must not forget that, first of all, she is a desirable woman for her husband, and only then everything else: friend, partner, advisor … Learning to both of them to read their partner like a book is the hardest work.

The first step in any marriage relationship is respect for each other. This is the first condition of how to bring the paradise climate back to your family. It's easy to check if you respect each other. People who respect their husband / wife never raise their voice at their partner (neither inside nor 'outside'). There are some spouses who don't say anything 'from the outside', but inside they 'boil'. And not only 'are boiling' - inside they have already expressed everything they wanted. If you really respect, (you honor - according to the church!), Each other, then you will never allow yourself this.

Never yell at your soul mate! Once you've crossed that line, it can take many years to fix just one such incident. Therefore, it is better to avoid such situations.

The second stage, as a very important condition - partners should treat each other with understanding, that is, put themselves in the position of another person. Try to constantly understand his / her feelings, motives of behavior, point of view. There is a reason for everything. Instead of criticism, try to simply understand. You should never rush to condemn, draw conclusions, but always understand and support your partner.

Family is the willingness to put oneself in the shoes of another in order to understand him. If you live like this, then a heavenly climate in relationships is provided.

The third step is to be ready to forgive! To do this, it is necessary to leave the partner the right to some share of mistakes, some share for the probability: what if suddenly I am wrong, and if suddenly … Only thanks to this fraction of probability, you can insure yourself against premature conclusions. And, if one of the partners did make a mistake, then he should be ready to ask for forgiveness first. Always! Probably even in cases where the other was also a little wrong.

A happy family is work, the center of life. If the center of life and the source of inspiration is work, then you live in a world of illusions of your mind. You risk never meeting your real self!

At counseling sessions for married couples, I often recommend them to read Harry Chapman's book "The Five Languages of Love". Almost everything that is written there, one way or another, is familiar to many from their life experience. But it happens that you read or hear a thought in a different form, expressed a little differently, in other words - and suddenly the puzzle is formed and clarity and confidence appears. So this is what happens with this book. One interesting idea of her is that falling in love has nothing to do with love. The essence of falling in love: a short-term hormonal craze that rarely lasts more than two years. Nice, but not forever.

But the thought about love … The essence of love is as follows. People express their love in different ways, each in their own language. And, if the languages do not match, it is very difficult for people to build and, moreover, keep love. Just as it is difficult for two people from different cultures and linguistic backgrounds to understand each other!

Harry Chapman believes there are five love languages. True, with many dialects. And for the harmony of relations, you need to determine and study the language or languages of your loved one and try to speak with him in these languages. The languages are: the language of approval (support, praise), the language of help, the language of the time, the language of gifts, and the language of touch (including sex). Identifying languages is very easy on children. The father comes from work and the child runs to him:

1. Hangs around the neck, kneels, hugs. Loves to be stroked on the head, loves to fight - his main language is the language of touch.

2. Drags a drawing that he painted or a house. built of lego, awaits praise - its language is the language of approval.

3. Asks to play Lego or a ball with him, go outside and fry a sausage on a fire in the park - the language of time.

4. Asks for help to do something - help language.

5. Asks. and what will you give me today - the language of gifts.

In adults, of course, it is more difficult to determine: there are many layers and influences, fixed ideas and conventions. We often don’t know exactly what we really want. But so too there are tricks on how to define your main languages and partner languages. And when both speak the same language - the vessel of love is filled and harmony and love comes into the relationship!