Love Cannot Be Punished (put A Comma Yourself)

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Probably, any parent at least once faced the question of whether or not to punish their child. If so, how, if not, also how? How to be in this or that case and how to figure out which strategy is correct?

You can't punish the little ones, but the big ones?

A child practically from birth begins to declare himself. At each age stage, he does this to the best of his developmental characteristics. At three months he cries, at three he is capricious and opposes any actions of his parents, and at thirteen he rebelles and provokes them. Is there a difference between a child of three months and a teenager of thirteen?

Undoubtedly, there is a logical answer. What's the difference?

At different levels of psychophysiological development, in different experiences of interaction with the outside world - yes, this is certainly true.

But there is one very important point on which these two children are similar. Both the first and the second are children of their parents. However, if in the case of a three-month-old child, as a rule, the issue of punishment does not arise, in the case of a teenager it can be very relevant. Why?

Is it possible to punish a creature that is entirely dependent on the mother, on the adults caring for him, small, defenseless and fragile? Most likely, the majority answer will be no. And in the case of a teenager?

Who is a teenager? He has his desires, his needs, his aspirations, his own system of values. He may be responsible to one degree or another for his actions. Almost. Nevertheless, even a newborn has both wants and needs, and he already knows how to express them.

A three-month-old and a thirteen-year-old child are much more similar than you might think. According to research in the field of neuropsychology, it is known that the human brain matures only by the age of 21. In adolescence, about 13 years old, a person matures the prefrontal cortex - the area of the brain responsible for self-control, attention, impulse control, organization, self-control, as well as the ability to draw conclusions and learn from their own experience. That is, for the maturation of all those necessary qualities, which in total can mean the ability to take responsibility for their actions.

Does this mean that before reaching this age, a child can behave as he pleases, and parents should condescendingly forgive him all his actions just because his cerebral cortex is still immature? This is not entirely true.

The child, who is both three months old and thirteen years old, are strongly influenced by their parents. Regardless of the parenting style and regardless of the child's reaction to this parenting style. Undoubtedly, the older the child becomes, the more differentiated his reaction to punishment becomes, he can evaluate it differently and draw conclusions, which a baby cannot, for whom punishment is identical to his parent's rejection. But whatever the style of upbringing - authoritarian, democratic, permissive, authoritative - a child of any age depends on him and on the incentives given to him by his parents. To simplify, we can say that all incentives given by parents can be divided into rewards and punishments.

What is punishment?

This is a kind of instructive, often negative response to the child for his misdemeanor. The lesson that parents think he needs to learn. In behavioral psychology, punishment is characterized as negative reinforcement or deprivation of positive reinforcement, which in both cases is considered ineffective.

The punishment received from such a significant person leaves an indelible mark on the child's psyche. Punishments can be of various types: bodily, emotional, manipulative.

Types of punishment

Corporal punishment is punishment that uses physical force of varying degrees of intensity to force a child to obey.

Emotional punishment (one of the most difficult to bear) is the deprivation of parental love for a misdemeanor (“I don’t talk to you”).

Manipulative punishments are tricks, manipulation of parents in order to achieve the desired behavior (“if you don’t do your homework, I will take the bike).

Consequences of punishment

Why are punishments dangerous?

Physical punishment. A simple slap on the bottom of a three-year-old baby can provoke a reciprocal aggression in the child - both on the parent and on those around him. And the sooner a child encounters repeated aggression, especially parental aggression, the easier he gets used to this way of responding to the environment, the more likely he will take it as the norm. Regular battering can make the child immune to physical punishment, which will force the parents to increase the degree of aggression in order to achieve results, and this in turn can increase the level of response aggression.

Emotional punishment. When a child hears “I’m not talking to you,” he feels bad, unnecessary. For a small child, the very fact of his existence is confirmed by the reactions of loved ones (for example, playing hide and seek with the baby: when the mother is hiding, she is not there.) The mother ignores the child, which means that the mother disappears from the access zone. She's gone. Losing a mother for a child is like losing yourself. When mom says: "You are behaving badly" he hears: "You are bad!" It is very difficult for a small child. To avoid such a severe punishment, the child learns to behave in such a way that the mother does not refuse contact with him. Often, at the cost of suppressing my feelings and emotions (if I fell down, my mother got angry because I’m screaming in the street. Next time I will not pay so that my mother would not be angry.) Suppressed feelings eventually turn into bodily symptoms or into aggression.

Manipulative punishments. When a child is blackmailed, he quickly learns this behavior and begins to play according to the given rules. First with the parents (“I’ll eat breakfast only if you give me a chocolate bar”), and then with the society (“if you let me write it off, I’ll invite you to my birthday”). Initially, every child sees in the parents the basis of safety. Depending on how the parents interacted with the child and on whether they satisfied his needs, primary trust or distrust in the world is formed. A child who trusts his parents from birth and receives punishment from them begins to feel anxiety (the world is not safe). Anxiety can turn into fixing fears, bodily symptoms (for example, enuresis, tics), or into autoaggression (towards oneself), as well as into aggression towards elements of the surrounding world. The older the child becomes, the more hidden, delayed and ambiguous his reaction to punishment may be, but it will be in any case.

What to do? DO NOT punish at all ?

There are psychological theories in which punishment is considered destructive to the psyche. Nevertheless, even if parents manage to raise a child without resorting to punishment, their child will sooner or later still face a society that is most likely not so loyal. In order for the child to understand the importance of their actions, regardless of their age and level of development, parents are advised to follow the following recommendations on the issue of punishment, combining the encouragement and mitigation of the child's negative reactions.

Psychologist's recommendations

1. Setting the rules … Parents should clearly understand “what is good and what is bad” so that the child can learn to navigate in them. The boundaries of what is permissible for a child are necessary, without them he feels insecure, striving to test the world and parents for strength, in order to finally "grope" these boundaries. They can be compared to the walls of a fortress. For a child, boundaries are not only limitations, but also the protection he needs.

2. No corporal punishment, punishment with psychological pressure. Nor can you be punished by the deprivation of basic needs, such as food. You cannot punish when the child is tired, stressed, after sleep.

3. Aggressive actions of the child in relation to others must be suppressed promptly and strictly. Softly but persistently. You can say: “You cannot beat a person (any other living creature). Because it hurts, offensive, unpleasant. " Teach other ways to express displeasure. Children who know how to speak are taught verbal, non-aggressive expression of protest. For example: “I want to play now myself” if a toy is taken away from him in the sandbox. If they beat him: "I feel uncomfortable / painful, move away." If that child does not react, move away, take the child away, explaining to him that that child did not act well, you cannot beat others. He probably did not know or forgot. All explanations are given in a form that the child can understand. Regarding the question that dads often ask: "But how to give back ?!" It is important to define the meaning of this “surrender”. To make another hurt and offended in the same way, or in order to defend yourself and your rights. In the second case, this can be done verbally, and in the first case, it is the stimulation of aggression. Whether such methods of responding to emotions are needed is up to the parents, but it is important to take into account the possible consequences (aggression generates aggression).

4. Absence of a pronounced emotional reaction to the child's negative action. Describe the situation as discreetly as possible, without coloring it with emotions. For example, instead of: “You broke my beloved vase, well, what have you done! "I am very sorry that my beloved vase has been broken." The child often unknowingly provokes the parents to get their attention. By not showing the child vivid emotions in response to his negative act, the parents demonstrate to the child the ineffectiveness of these provocations.

5. Assessment of the deed, not the child himself. For example, instead of: "How slovenly you are, you are all smeared" - "I don't think it is a good idea to jump in puddles, it stains clothes."

6. Explanation. Every action, every action needs to be explained. Even if the child is only 2 years old, he needs to be explained why fingers should not be inserted into the outlet. We can say that there is a current in the outlet, and it can bite painfully. For each child and for each age, an individual explanation of each situation can be selected, as long as it is. Telling stories on the topic corresponding to the problem works very well with kids.

7. Encouraging those actions that you believe are correct. Here, too, you need to pay attention to the importance of assessing the act, not the child. Not "you are great for climbing the stairs," but "great that you managed to climb so high!" This is necessary so that the child does not have the feeling that he is "well done" only when he achieves something. So that there is no feeling based on the famous poem: "Now I love you, now I praise you" - and if I had not washed myself, I would not have loved?

8. Praise and lap up a child just like that, for no reason. Giving candy is not "for something", but "just because I love you." Moreover, this is true..:)

9. You can come up with rules together with your child., discussing them and reaching compromises, for example, "during the day you can get any toys, but in the evening after dinner the toys should be removed" or "clothes for the street are chosen by mom, but at home you can dress the way you want."

10 a child, three months old, three years old or thirteen is a person … There is only one way to change it - by showing him everything by example. As the well-known proverb says: do not bring up a child - all the same, he will be like you.

And most importantly, for any child's misconduct, remember which of you is big and who is small. Everything else is secondary.