2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
In an alliance with a partner with narcissistic problems, there is a common myth for both partners about the existence of an absolute, ideal, unclouded symbiosis. The inability to realize this myth becomes the cause of painful experiences: depression, melancholy, anger, alcoholism.
How to tell if your love relationship is healthy or narcissistic?
A sure sign of a truly narcissistic relationship is the illusion of fusion, that is, the fantasy that we are or should become one once and for all; separation is dangerous. Envy lurked in every corner of this relationship; boundaries in such a relationship are not respected. An imbalance of power is common in this kind of relationship.
Narcissistic fusion can be described as the "dance" of progressive and regressive partners. The progressive partner is socially capable and grandiose, the regressive partner is passive and ill-adjusted, but overwhelmed with admiration for his grandiose half, so they need each other.
Often, a couple in which both partners have a narcissistic personality structure may well find a way of coexistence that satisfies the needs of dependence on both sides and provides conditions for social and economic survival. Emotionally, the relationship may be empty, but a certain degree of mutual support, mutual use and / or convenience can make them stable. Their strength in this case is determined by the general conscious ideas about the social roles of their own and their partner, financial factors, belonging to a certain cultural environment and interest in children. However, there is often an unconscious revival of past object relationships. Replaying the relationship between a frustrating, cold, rejecting mother and an offended, envious, vengeful child through mutual projective identification can destroy sex life, encourage acting out of "triangular" relationships, and threaten ties with the surrounding society. If one of the partners achieves extraordinary success or fails excessively, unconscious competition between them can lead to the collapse of the relationship.
The earliest experiences of a person associated with the fact that he loves himself, and others love him, are reproduced throughout his life. The dramas of development in the process of the birth of the “I” form a sense of their own Self and Others and determine who and how a person loves.
If in childhood attachment to a person who cared for and developed autonomy was safe, then the person chooses a partner who does the same, without needing to fantasize about maintaining love. But if the development of autonomy was hindered, then a person can reproduce the psychodynamics of the process of fusion, a sense of grandeur and omnipotence in relations with other people, whose boundaries are also blurred.
For some people, the stage of symbiosis, when a person, as a child, first felt his merger with his mother, was bliss. If the mother at this stage was not responsive or even absent altogether, then the child yearned for love and did not hope to receive it. If the mother was intrusive, then the child could defend his boundaries from interference. If the child grew up in an atmosphere of lack of attention, then his ability to love remained unfulfilled, and allowing himself to fall in love means being in danger of absorption. A fantasy of love with fictional barriers or unrequited love seems safe. With expectations so low, the narcissistic personality might seem like a good match.
If a person grew up in a family in which one or both parents were narcissistic, then he has an increased chance of becoming vulnerable in a love relationship that has a narcissistic flavor. Below are indicators by which you can determine if your legacy is affecting you.
- You fall in love often and quickly, or, on the contrary, are afraid to let people near you out of fear that you will be rejected or exploited.
- Only “perfect love” seems safe or exciting to you.
- After you get to know your partner better, and the first romance has passed, it turns out that he has defects or it becomes difficult to communicate with him.
- You have never fallen in love, you cannot imagine what being in love is like.
- You need to idealize or devalue your love object in order to have a good sense of self.
- You hardly forgive your lover for some unpleasant situations or, on the contrary, accept responsibility for all the troubles that happen between you.
- In a love relationship, you often feel pain or frustration.
A sober assessment of your strengths and weaknesses, as well as the strengths and weaknesses of your lover and your relationship with him, is the surest way to cope with pathological narcissism. You need to pay close attention to what may be behind any desire for the ideal.
Everyone knows such an unconditional rule that exists among both men and women, but it is supported by the latter, and gives reason for men, if necessary, to justify themselves; which sounds like this: "A woman should always have a mystery." Indeed, many people are afraid of the loss of idealization in love relationships, it seems that they will not be able to keep love if some mystery disappears from it, based on concealing vices, denying defects and applying makeup on hard-hitting truths. Such people strive to build and maintain a fantasy world that will protect their love from cruel reality.
You should consider that the main thing for you is freedom, which gives you the opportunity to remain yourself and be loved for who you are, including all your shortcomings. Healthy people can idealize the real qualities of their beloved, but be fully aware of their imperfections. They do not expect their partner to be an ideal, completely focused on their desires.
Normal self-restraint is a sign of autonomy and psychological stability. Assess the health of your relationship, taking into account boundary issues and how you and your partner handle any disagreements that may arise.
- What is your attitude towards the fact that each of you has personal time, personal friends, personal interests?
- How do you make decisions about how to spend your free time?
- Is there a habit in your relationship of reading each other's correspondence without asking, taking money from your partner's wallet, eavesdropping on telephone conversations?
- Can you have thoughts, feelings that you do not explain to your partner?
- Can you disagree with your partner without feeling hurt or angry?
- Does your partner often oblige you to accompany him to events that are not directly related to you?
- What do you think might happen if you insist on creating and strengthening boundaries? Can you ask your partner about this without fearing that you will be ashamed or that your partner will get angry or try to take revenge on you? Will your partner listen carefully and respond respectfully?
One of the main hallmarks of mature love is reciprocity. Reciprocal relationships are based on giving and taking. Narcissists just take without giving anything in return. True reciprocity implies mutual trust. If you have problems with this side of the intimate relationship, see if you can relax your guard against a friend, family member, or someone else you feel safe with. Once you know what it means to be able to give and receive, you can translate this feeling into your love relationship. But to get things done, you need to choose a partner who is not a narcissist.
“No king can marry for love”: not only because, as follows from the famous song “Kings can do everything,” their fate is predetermined by their origin, but because no “king” is capable of this feeling.
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