HOW TO LEARN TO COMMUNICATE

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Or how to start using everything that we already know about communication, but are afraid to trust ourselves.

First, let's take a look at what communication is, and whether it is just conversations.

Communication is "the transfer of information from person to person."

Everyone seems to know that it can be verbal and non-verbal. Verbal - communication through speech. We pronounce words and phrases that carry meaning, we name numbers. Non-verbal includes all sorts of body signals - position, muscle tension, head turns, position and movement of arms and legs, voice modulation, facial expressions, gestures, looks, intonation coloration of the voice, etc.

More than 90 percent of the information we get from these non-speech signals, but how do we use it?

And we use it, if we do not make special efforts, as was customary in the family where we were raised. If it was customary to ignore something, for example, sadness, we do it automatically. If it was customary to react sensitively to certain emotions or states, for example, anger or joy, then we react. And we expect the other person to do the same with respect to ourselves. And he was brought up in a different environment, perhaps even in a different culture, religion, and he "reads" our signals in his own way and reacts in his own way too. And the confidence of each of the parties is so persistent and dear to everyone! And it is so difficult sometimes someone else's way of reacting and presenting themselves to understand correctly!

And the way to understand another is so simple!

Mentally (or, if there is such a possibility, in fact), take the same pose as the interlocutor, imagine yourself to them - at the same age, of the same gender, in the same clothes, with the same intonation and look, saying that he is speaks. And catch that you feel, that you feel, what you want in this state. At communication trainings and in the psychologist's office, such exercises lead to amazing discoveries.

“It turns out that my husband wants affection, but with words he stabs and defends himself,” or “I thought that she was angry and hated me, but she didn’t care about me at all.” And no matter what discoveries happen, even offensive and unpleasant ones, they always bring relief, because they reveal the truth and release from the need to perform unnecessary actions. And they open up opportunities to do something more appropriate to the situation.

Let's move on to that communication has a purpose … Always. Here are the names of the types and the goals that are pursued in each.

1. Material - exchange of products and objects of activity, which in turn serve as a means of meeting the actual needs of the subjects.

2. Cognitive - knowledge Exchange.

3. Active - exchange of actions, operations, skills, skills. Here information is transmitted from subject to subject, expanding horizons, improving and developing abilities.

4. Conditioned - exchange of mental or physiological states. (It is interesting that there is and has its own terminological name a special subspecies of such communication, in which factual information has no meaning at all, like there is a topic, but the participants in the dialogue pursue the only goal - to agree with each other, to express full attachment to the speaker. It turns out that it looks like verbal communication, but in fact - emotional merging, an extreme version of non-verbal interaction.)

5. Motivational - exchange of motives, goals, interests, motives, needs. Motivational communication has as its content the transmission to each other of certain motives, attitudes or readiness to act in a certain direction.

For effective interpersonal interaction, you need to be aware of what specific goal you are pursuing with each of the interlocutors. If you look at the purpose of your interaction in the same way, then the dialogue will bring satisfaction to all participants.

And, conversely, if, for example, a teacher wants to teach you mathematics, and you are sad and want to share this state, then you will get a conflict that will not please either the teacher or the student. Well, unless you have come across a particularly professional, sensitive teacher who knows how to handle any state of the student so that it will not interfere with the assimilation of formulas.

Let's go now to needs … Matter is more subtle than goals. In the previous example, the goal is obvious - it is learning, mastering mathematical laws. And the actual need of a sad child is to be understood, accepted along with his current experience.

Tenderness, warmth, attention and regularity of communication are necessary for a child immediately after birth. It was found that attachment to the mother (or to the person who replaces her) plays a huge role in shaping the personality of the child. This close connection with the mother arises very early - it is born from the olfactory and auditory impressions of the child, but also through the exchange of glances, affectionate words - in a word, everything that makes up their communication. This makes him feel safe.

After two years, there is a need to meet the requirements of your age. The satisfaction of this need is expressed in accordance with the requirements imposed on the child by his age-related capabilities. If the requirements are overestimated, the child's self-esteem goes down, self-doubt is formed, which is the reason for failures in adulthood.

If the requirements are underestimated, self-esteem is overestimated, and when faced with the realities of life that do not confirm it, the child prefers to leave any activity. In adulthood, this is manifested in the behavior of an "unrecognized genius", all of whose achievements are in words, but in deeds - avoidance of work and responsibility.

On the one hand, the task of parenting after five years is to accustom the child to the requirements of society, life in society, to form a personality, that is, a set of social roles that must be fulfilled. But at the same time, each person is born as an individual and it is very important in the educational process not to lose this uniqueness of the inner essence of each child. Individuality must be seen, appreciated and respected. Many teachers and parents make irreparable mistakes when comparing children with each other (comparing the incomparable), developing the need to be better than everyone else (which is impossible and leads to constant dissatisfaction).

The need arising in a teenager is to feel belonging to a group or groups. In this social interaction, mutual respect is not at all necessary, especially among boys, there can be swearing, skirmishes. The main thing here is a sense of community with other adolescents. The characterological feature of a 10-15-year-old child is also manifested in a heightened desire to establish himself in society, to get adults to recognize their rights and capabilities.

Eight stages of human life from birth to old age are described by E. Erickson, who drew attention to the development of the human "I" throughout life, to personality changes in relation to the social environment and to oneself, including both positive and negative aspects. Let's name them briefly.

The first stage: from birth to one year - trust or distrust is formed.

Second stage: 2-3 years - independence or indecision.

Third stage: 4-5 years old - entrepreneurial spirit or guilt.

Fourth stage: 6-11 years old - skill or inferiority.

Fifth stage: 12-18 years old - identification of personality or confusion of roles.

In addition to the ones just described, there is a sixth stage: the beginning of maturity - closeness or loneliness, the seventh stage: mature age - general humanity or self-absorption and the eighth stage: old age - wholeness or hopelessness.

It should be noted that in addition to developmental needs, we often deal with destructive needs, both in others and in ourselves.

If you are a young child, then one of the most essential needs when communicating with adults is the need for admiration. The baby also needs this, so that he has a basic confidence that he was not born in vain, that he was expected and welcomed. And at three years old, you need to get confirmation, already at a different, more "adult" level, an assessment of your attractiveness as a future man and a future woman, whose features and manners have already been laid down, are visible and require recognition.

All of us in different periods of life and under different circumstances need to see and feel respect for ourselves. As individuals. As a professional in his field. As a child - the continuation of family traditions. As a parent. Etc.

But what will happen if neither admiration, nor respect, nor understanding has happened?

The need for love and acceptance can manifest itself in the form of their antipodes - in the need to humiliate, accuse, upset another person. Any of us can recall a case when suddenly comes across someone who asserts himself at our expense. Pouring out his negativity on others. And didn't you want to behave like that yourself?

Some people have an irresistible need to control everything around them, including living people. They are masters of manipulation, they feel good in high positions, where many subordinates are obliged to do their will. This can be quite constructive and adequate to a certain collective task. It may not be. And then those who fall into the field of influence and dependence on such a person find themselves in his networks of emotional and power manipulations, and always lose.

There is a need to be rejected, hurt, humiliated. Yes, yes, this is quite a need that can turn on from time to time, but for someone it is constantly present, built into the structure of the personality, if only an offensively devaluating manner of communication was adopted in the family.

Any need can begin to guide you, especially if you do not acknowledge it, do not notice. The more you deny her, “don't look in her direction,” the more power she gets. And sometimes the need for love, unsatisfied in childhood, turns a person's whole life into a pursuit of someone elusive, inaccessible, who could love and care better than a person himself can do it for himself.

We will be glad if our descriptions and classifications helped you to better understand yourself and those with whom you communicate in different life circumstances and allowed you to start communicating deeper, more versatile and more effective.